I had my first real experience with Friends United Meeting (FUM) Friends over the weekend at the Stoking the Fire conference, which took place May 22-25 in Milford, OH. This was supposed to be my first week of work at First Friends Meeting, but since my supervisor is out of town, she suggested that I attend the conference and get to know FUM Friends that way. I usually like to wait a while to let things settle before writing about an experience like this, but since I am leaving for California tomorrow, I want to write some of my initial impressions.
One of the highlights for me was being able to ride in the car with other Friends from North Carolina Yearly Meeting (FUM). I did not know any of these Friends before we set off together on the 7.5-hour trip from Greensboro to Milford, but we know each other well now! We spent a lot of time talking about our meetings, yearly meetings, and preaching, and we laughed a lot.
This was the first Quaker conference I have been to in a long time where I did not have any
responsibilities. That was a little strange for me, but also pretty great. The planners did a good job of building spaciousness into the schedule, with breaks and unstructured time, and I spent a fair amount of time napping and reading for pleasure. The conference center was also very comfortable, with single rooms and plenty of food.
I didn't know what to expect entering an FUM gathering, but the Friends were extremely welcoming. I got to spend time with some Friends I hadn't seen since the 2012 World Conference of Friends. It was lovely to be able to catch up and share new ideas (some Friends and I especially enjoyed debating the parameters of "bro theology" over lunch one day). I also got to know some new people, and I expect those relationships will continue online and as we travel among Friends.
The worship times were warm and welcoming, with a spirit of listening and a willingness to experiment. The gathering was explicitly Christ-centered, and I got the sense that many Friends there feel out of place in their own meetings; they seemed relieved to be in a place where they could share their Christian beliefs freely. The singing throughout the weekend fed my soul, especially in the Saturday evening Taize worship.
One thing that was surprising and disappointing was the gender imbalance in presenters over the weekend. Men preached every morning, led the plenaries, and led most of the other activities in the large group. In our main sessions, only two out of ten were led by women. There were three young men (i.e., under 40) present, and all of them had leadership roles in the main sessions; there were at least eight young women, and none of them did. The women who led tended to be in typically female roles: as support, leading music, or leading prayer. I also noticed immediately that everyone was using male pronouns for God. I am not used to hearing exclusively male pronouns anymore, and it was distracting and a little alienating for me.
Even more distressing were some of the comments that older men made to younger women present. There was one man in particular who referred to all of the women there as "honey" and "girl," and then proceeded to tell them what to do. I heard from three women that some of the men had made inappropriate comments about their appearance, including sexual and racial remarks. This behavior is unacceptable and I expect better from Friends.
The conference took place over Pentecost weekend, and there was a sense of longing for a new Pentecost among Friends, a renewed fire in the Religious Society as a whole. We did not experience that kind of fire, but there was a warmth to the gathering that was encouraging. I think most of the Friends there came out with a renewed feeling of commitment and a greater sense of hope for the future of Friends.
In the final session, we spent time sharing where we had seen fire in various places throughout the weekend. Rather than a bonfire, many of the fires were more like the candles in the Taize service—small but giving off more light and heat than we might have expected.
Then Colin invited Friends to join him in the center of the circle, to draw near to Christ with him. He started by inviting people individually and eventually everyone was welcomed in. Afterward, a Friend referred to this moment as an altar call, and I realized that it was, but unlike other altar calls I have witnessed, which can feel manipulative and coercive, this grew organically out of the time that we shared together. Friends felt free to come to the center or stay on the edges, and Christ was present everywhere.
[To the May business meeting of Freedom Friends Church]
People say that the second year of seminary is the hardest. Academically, this year was not as challenging as I expected, but it has been emotionally difficult. Many things in the culture had an impact on people in my program, including the Black Lives Matter movement responding to white privilege and police violence, and especially the scheduling and delay of Kelly Gissendaner’s execution (an inmate at Lee Arrendale State Prison, where I worked as a chaplain intern last year). I also withdrew from a class for the first time ever, because the professor was a bully and I felt like I wasn’t learning anything.
I feel like an outsider here in a number of ways. It has been challenging for me to be the only Quaker at Candler, where I am frequently called on to educate people about the Religious Society of Friends and to represent Friends. In the Pacific Northwest, my politics seem pretty moderate; here, people consider me extremely liberal. I miss the diversity of Friends in the Pacific Northwest and the ways Convergent Friends interact and worship together.
I finished my contextual education at Atlanta Friends Meeting this spring. My main focus this past semester was on the meeting’s Gathered Meeting Retreat, which took place the last weekend of March. The theme was “How Friends Worship.” Over the weekend, we tried various prayer practices, talked about the language we use for the divine, and shared about our experiences in unprogrammed worship. On Sunday morning, we had semi-programmed worship, Bible reading in the manner of Ohio Yearly Meeting Conservative Friends, and unprogrammed worship. I was glad to have the opportunity to lead this retreat; it felt like a good use of my gifts.
One of the purposes of seminary is to make students confront their own issues and unhealthy patterns. Over the winter, I began seeing a new therapist who has both an MDiv and a Ph.D from Emory---a good fit for me right now. She and I did good work together, particularly around anxiety, sexuality, and attachment. I have continued to see my spiritual director monthly, and a third person joined my anchoring committee. I have a strong support system, which is reassuring for me.
Looking ahead to next year, there are a number of things I am excited about. I agreed to serve on the board of trustees for Friends Journal, and decided to step down from the Sacred Worth executive board to make time for that new commitment. My MDiv thesis proposal was approved: I will be writing about how women ministers’ bodies are seen as both threatening and threatened. I also will be participating in Candler Advantage, which will provide me with an $8,000 grant and three credits for spending the summer working at First Friends Meeting in Greensboro, NC. I am excited to spend time in a programmed, FUM meeting, and I am looking forward to preaching and gaining experience in pastoral care and administration there.
In some ways, it is hard to believe that I am two-thirds of my way through seminary, though in other ways it has felt very long. I am starting to think more about what I want to do after I am finished with school here, and hoping to find a place and a job where I can settle for a while. Thank you for your love and support.
