Becoming Whole

This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.  (Matthew 5:23-24)

My first experience of Friends from different traditions coming together was at the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference in 2008.  Over the course of that weekend, space opened up for me.  Hearing women from evangelical Friends churches speak reminded me of the evangelical church of my childhood.  For the first time, I really had time to feel how much it hurt me to leave that church and to grieve.  It was hard and painful at the time, but it was also good to face that part of myself and begin to accept it.

I don't think it's an accident that I am frequently called to ministry between the branches of Friends.  As someone who grew up in an evangelical culture but now worships with liberal Friends, I feel myself being drawn to the gaps between the groups.  I know both languages and I can go back and forth between these Friends who don't always speak to each other directly.

As I try to follow the Spirit in my daily life, it is becoming harder for me to compartmentalize parts of myself.  I no longer feel that my work self is so different from the way I am at home or at meeting.  In a recent conversation with a friend, I defined integrity as knowing who you are and bringing your full self to every situation.  I fall short of this often, but I am trying to be more fully myself and I admire those I see around me who are trying to live with integrity.

When I travel to Friends churches and meetings, sometimes the Religious Society of Friends seems very compartmentalized.  Talks about different kinds of worship can quickly become debates over who the "real Quakers" are.  Some worship in silence, some with singing, some with spoken prayer, and some through listening to a prepared message.  But everywhere I go, I meet Friends who have a living relationship with the Spirit and are waiting to hear the voice of God in worship.

At the Quaker Women's Theology Conference, we encourage women to use narrative theology, that is, to tell their own stories of how God is at work in each person's life.  I think sometimes we are afraid of talking about God because we fear that our experiences do not match.  But it makes a lot of sense to me that we would all have different experiences of knowing God.  I think God is like a mutual friend.  For example, I know Sarah, and Sarah's husband knows Sarah, and you may know Sarah, but we would never expect to all know the same things about Sarah.  Narrative theology allows us to recognize God in another person's story, even if that person uses very different language.

As I write this, my heart is with the Friends who are planning the Young Adult Friends Gathering in Wichita, Kansas next month.  I am still not clear whether I will be able to go to the gathering, but I know that the work they are doing is good and important.  These Friends are doing the hard work of reconciliation, of bringing together the different pieces of the Religious Society of Friends.  We need to know who we are and face all of the parts of ourselves before we can bring the message of peace to a world that so desperately needs to hear that message.  I am proud of these leaders who are trying to go to each other and make things right, and I will continue to pray for all who will gather to worship together.

Daily Bread

Then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you.  The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.  In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions."  (Exodus 16:4)

A little over a week ago, I freaked out about money again.  I got a notice in the mail telling me that my forbearance period is ending and I will have to start making payments on my student loans again in July.  I called the lender to ask whether it would be possible to wait to pay until September, when I will have a regular paycheck again.  The person on the phone was sympathetic, but had good reasons for recommending that I start paying at least the interest on my loan in July.

Soon after, I went to Spokane for the weekend.  Sarah P and I were going to visit Sandpoint Friends Meeting in Sandpoint, Idaho, the last of our official meeting visits for the Quaker Women's Theology Conference.  Over the weekend, I said to Sarah that I had been feeling a lot like the Israelites in the wilderness.  Even though God has always provided for me in the past, I worry about having enough for tomorrow.

Sarah and I had a wonderful time visiting Spokane Friends.  We were thrilled to have our friend Leann accompany us as an elder.  Worship was quiet, but filled with the Spirit, and after worship, Friends there welcomed us with a delicious potluck.  We enjoyed sharing about the women's conference and talking about the different ways Friends worship together.

I flew back to Seattle on Sunday evening and got home around 10.  I was hungry from traveling and went to the kitchen to look for a snack.  When I opened the fridge, it was packed with all kinds of fruit and vegetables, much more than we usually have.  I asked my housemates about why we had so much food and they said a CSA box had showed up at our door during the weekend.

Over the next two days, we tried to get in touch with the CSA.  My housemate wrote them an email to let them know that we received the box of food, but had not ordered or paid for the delivery.  We figured it was probably supposed to go to someone in the neighborhood, but had been delivered to our house by mistake.  Finally, someone from the CSA responded.  He said he did not know who the intended recipient of the box was, but to go ahead and eat the produce so it wouldn't go to waste!  

So for the past week, I have been eating an amazing variety of fruit and vegetables from the CSA box.  This is not the first time I have suspected that God has a pretty good sense of humor. I am grateful that sometimes that sense of humor comes in the form of tasty food that mysteriously appears on my doorstep!

Register for the Quaker Women's Theology Conference!

Dear Friends,

We would like to remind you that the early registration deadline for the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference is May 1.  If you have already registered for the conference, we look forward to seeing you!  If not, please consider registering on our website: www.pnwquakerwomen.org.  Remember, there are three steps to register for the conference: 1. registration, 2. payment, and 3. uploading your paper, and all of these need to be completed by May 1.

Even if you will not be able to attend the conference, please encourage friends to come.  Right now, women from Northwest Yearly Meeting are not proportionately represented.  If you are from Northwest Yearly Meeting, please consider attending.  If you are not, please invite women you know from Northwest Yearly Meeting.  The conference is a place for us to share the best of our Quaker traditions, and we hope that women from Northwest Yearly Meeting will be present to share what is meaningful for them in the programmed and evangelical tradition.

We also ask you to consider donating to our scholarship fund.  We rely entirely on donations to provide scholarships for women to attend the conference.  At this point, because we have not received donations, we are not able to offer any scholarships.  You can donate on our website.

We are excited to see the ways the Spirit is at work as we plan the conference.  Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to listen to God and to listen to each other this summer.

In peace,

Ashley W and Sarah P

Planning Committee Co-Clerks
www.pnwquakerwomen.org

Oh, The Places I'll Go

Earlier this week, I met with my care committee.  As part of my preparation for our meeting, I wrote a list of all of the places I expect to travel between now and the end of July:

• April 17-18: Visit Sandpoint Friends Meeting in Sandpoint, ID to worship with them and talk about the Quaker Women's Theology Conference.
• April 24-25: Visit Freedom Friends Church in Salem, OR.
• May 2:  Visit North Seattle Friends Church in Seattle, WA to worship with them and talk about the Quaker Women's Theology Conference.
• May 13-16: Convergent Friends and New Monastics workshop at Pendle Hill, PA to serve as an elder for Martin Kelley and Wess Daniels as they lead the workshop.
• May 17-18: Visit friends in Washington DC.
• May 19-24: School of the Spirit residency in Durham, NC.
• May 28-31: Young Adult Friends Gathering in Wichita, KS. (I am still trying to discern whether I am led to attend this event.)
• June 16-20: Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference in Seabeck, WA.
• July 14-18: North Pacific Yearly Meeting annual session in Missoula, MT.
• July 25-29: Northwest Yearly Meeting annual session in Newberg, OR.  (I have submitted my application to be the NPYM visitor to NWYM again; I should know whether they chose me by the end of April.)

One of the things I talked about with my care committee when we met was whether I should go to the Young Adult Friends Gathering in Wichita.  I feel that this is an important gathering, but I am wary of spreading myself too thin.  I also do not have a lot of extra money right now, and getting to Kansas from Seattle is pretty expensive.  One person on my care committee suggested that I pray for a "burning bush," such as a plane ticket to Wichita.  So I am continuing to hold this in prayer to see if Way opens.

Looking at this list makes me excited and nervous.  Traveling in the ministry can be wonderful, but it is also spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting.   Fortunately, I will be leaving my paid employment at the end of this month, so I will be able to dedicate time and energy to this work over the summer.  But leaving my job also means that I will not have a steady income for the next few months.

I am so grateful for my care committee.  Our meetings each month help keep me grounded and give me energy.  I treasure the time we spend in worship and I appreciate that they are willing to ask me challenging questions and listen when I say hard things.  As I go out, I feel them walking alongside me.

I will continue meeting with my care committee as I travel.  I am also looking for other forms of spiritual and financial support for the next few months.  

If you feel so led, I would appreciate it if you would pray for me.  Pray that I would be rightly led as I travel, that I would be where I am supposed to be, that I would be able to maintain my energy, and that I would be given the right words when I am led to speak.  

If you would like to make a financial contribution to support my ministry, please send me an email: ashleymwilcox AT gmail DOT com.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  I will do my best to continue writing here about the ways God is working in my life, and I look forward to seeing God's work in Friends as I travel this spring and summer.

Mistaken

Today is Palm Sunday, the day that Christians remember how Jesus entered Jerusalem on a donkey.  As he passed by, people shouted with joy, welcoming him.

Because I am a Quaker, the story of Palm Sunday reminds me of the story of James Nayler, who also rode into town on a donkey.

After that, things did not go well for either of them.  

A week later, the same crowd killed Jesus.  And although the government did not kill Nayler, it came close.  Nayler was branded, tortured, and broken, and his friends deserted him.

Friends tend to tell the story of Nayler as a cautionary tale, that he had delusions of grandeur.  But I think that James Naylor knew that if you walk in the steps of Jesus, you may end up suffering the way he did.

The saddest part of the story for me is how Nayler was abandoned by Friends.  It seems to me that these early Friends acted out of fear in turning their backs on him.  Even if they were convinced that he was mistaken in his leading, he was a part of their community, and doing what he felt led to do.

Sometimes when we follow leadings, others will cheer and welcome us joyfully.  It is more likely, though, that others will be confused or even hostile.  How can we support each other in our leadings when they are difficult or challenging?  How do we hold each other when we make mistakes, as we surely will?

As I venture out in ministry, I want my community to see me when it seems like things are going well.  But I need my community more when I mess up.  I hope that my mistakes will not be as public and humiliating as James Nayler's, but even if they are, I hope that f/Friends will be there to help catch me when I fall.

Traveling Mercies

I recently had the gift of not having paid employment for two months.  This did not always feel like a gift, particularly at 2 a.m. when I worried about money.  But most days I was thrilled at the prospect of being able to choose how to spend my time.  I had time to pray, time to run, and time to do all of my School of the Spirit readings without feeling rushed.

Then I went back to full-time work and now I am struggling to find balance.  Lately, it feels like I work all week, then work all weekend.  This past weekend, I spent 9-4 on Saturday clerking a planning committee meeting for the Quaker Women's Theology Conference.  In the evening, Sarah P and I planned to go to Bellingham.  We had agreed to visit Bellingham Friends Meeting for worship on Sunday morning and then give a second hour presentation.  But after being in the committee meeting all day, we couldn't do it.

Around 6 p.m., we started wondering whether we should call our host and say we were not going to be able to make it that night.  We decided to go to dinner first and I chose a restaurant less than a mile away from my house.  

The drive to the restaurant was terrifying.  It felt like cars were coming at us from every direction.  Considering we could barely make it to a restaurant that is practically in my neighborhood, we decided that the hour and a half drive to Bellingham was not a good idea.  We called our host, apologized, and said that we would be there in the morning.

The next day, we woke up early and drove to Bellingham.  We had a great conversation on the way there and found the Bellingham Friends Meeting right away.  Everywhere we have traveled, Friends have been wonderful hosts.  Bellingham Friends were so welcoming.  During worship, Sarah P gave a message.  Afterward, we led the second hour discussion.  I think it went really well.  Friends shared openly about their experiences of the Spirit and their interactions with others who use different language.  Then we drove back to Seattle and Sarah P drove to Spokane.

The trip was wonderful, but I woke up Monday morning exhausted.  I was having a really hard time facing the prospect of going to work, though I did eventually go.

There are so many things I love about traveling in the ministry.  I love the feeling of being led and of things falling into place.  I love the way that everyone listens to God and each other when we are there.  I love the feeling of being connected to Friends in so many different places.  But traveling all weekend and then working all week is not sustainable for me.

Over the spring and summer, I expect to travel quite a bit and I am trying to figure out how to make ends meet while I travel.  I have heard many stories of how when early Friends traveled in the ministry, other Friends in their meeting would take care of their families and work while they were gone.  I am fortunate to live with two handsome young men who take care of my cats while I travel, but I can't just have someone from the meeting do my job for me.

I do not expect to be paid for ministry, but sometimes it would be nice if I could do ministry and not have to pay for everything else as well.

Called to Be

Since I got back from the last School of the Spirit residency, I have had a strong sense that things are shifting for me. I am having a hard time finding words to describe how I feel, but I will try.

It feels like things are physically changing in my body, or my soul, or maybe both.

One thing that is increasingly clear is that I am called to be a minister. That is terrifying because I don’t know what it means. It feels stronger than being called to ministry, and it is more than the general Quaker idea that we are all ministers. I am afraid that I will screw up, that I will do the wrong thing, that I will not know what I am doing.

I also think that it just means doing what God tells me to do. In some ways, that is comforting, but it is also disconcerting because God and I frequently have different ideas of what I should do.

I did not get any messages to give in meeting between the November and February residencies. It felt like a long time, even though it was just a few months. I noticed my lack of vocal ministry in particular when I visited meetings. For the past year, whenever I have visited meetings, it was more likely than not that I would give vocal ministry. Between November and February, I visited three meetings and didn’t have a thing to say.

Then I gave vocal ministry two weeks in a row, first at the residency and the next week at University Friends Meeting. They were both forms of ministry that I have felt very uncomfortable about in the past: vocal prayer and singing. But they both felt right and good. I also did not experience the days-ahead-of-time dread that I sometimes get when I have to give a message, which was nice. Both messages came very clearly during the meetings, I felt the moment I was supposed to give them, and I did. Even now, I feel okay about them, which is also unusual for me (I tend to second-guess and pick apart vocal ministry a lot, even though I think it’s disrespectful to God).

I had an amazing phone conversation with Noah M last week. I feel like I am still processing a lot of the things we talked about, but one thing in particular felt like a gift. I was saying that I feel comfortable going back and forth between liberal and evangelical Friends because I know the different religious languages, thanks to my childhood in the evangelical church. Noah said that he sees the gift of speaking in tongues as being able to speak different religious languages. I had never thought about that passage that way before and it really resonated with me.

One of the things I feel has been shifting recently is what I feel called to do. The focus I used to have on community doesn’t feel right anymore―it seems like I am called to do something more to do with God. I keep thinking about the message I gave during NPYM annual session last summer, especially this part:

In A Testament of Devotion, Thomas Kelly wrote, “We have mistaken the nature of poverty, and thought it was economic poverty.”

He also said, “The deepest need of men is not food and clothing and shelter, important as they are. It is God.”

Our service is to turn others toward God, in whatever language you use. To turn others toward the Divine, toward the Light, toward Christ, toward Love. That is our service. And I wonder what our lives would look like if we knew it.

I feel like this is my ministry, what I am called to do. In a spiritually impoverished world, God is calling me to turn others toward God, in whatever language. I don’t have any particular idea how to do this, but it feels right.