The Cross

As Easter approaches, I have heard people talking about the cross again.  It is a difficult topic, and one that has a lot of baggage for many people.

Last May, at our spring residency, my School of the Spirit class spent five days on the theme of the cross.  It was a challenging but rich time, and I came away from that residency changed.  One morning we spent about two and a half hours in extended worship.  Out of that silence, I gave the following message:

I've been spending a lot of time at my own cross, last night and this morning.  I know that many of us have these―times of evil and pain in our lives.  My cross is a bridge.  It's the bridge in front of my apartment.  And when I am there, I can hear his voice, the man whose face I don't remember, mocking me, asking where I am going and if he can come too.  I crossed the bridge and I could see my apartment in front of me.  I thought if I could just make it there . . . but I couldn't.  And I can feel his hand covering my mouth and his arms pinning mine as he starts to drag me under that bridge.

For some people, this is not a story, because that is all that happened.  I wasn't raped and I wasn't killed.  But part of me died that day, and it is my story.

As we have talked about the cross, what has come to me is that we don't just tell the story of the crucifixion one time and then we're done with it.  We tell the story over and over, and at different times, it means different things.

Sometimes when I tell my story, I am so angry.  I am angry that this happened to me and I want to know, where were my angels?  Why did God let this happen?  I am angry and I do not want to think that this story can be redeemed.

But sometimes I do, and I can see little bits of Light.

And later, singing:

This is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Giving this message was a powerful experience for me and for the people who heard it.  It was also an important step for me in healing from my experience of sexual assault, which occurred when I was 20 years old.  Even nine years later, this is still a tender subject for me, but I am sharing it here in the hope that it will be of some use.

Playlist

Music is very important to me when I travel in the ministry.  I love singing with Friends (Friends who sing, at least!), and from time to time, I offer singing vocal ministry.  I also find that listening to my ipod is a good way for me to get away from all of the stimulation that comes from traveling and for me to have some down time.  Sometimes when I am feeling upset or angry with God, I go for a walk and put my ipod on shuffle to see what I hear.

I tend to make playlists based on moods, and for the past few weeks I have been working on a playlist called "Ministry" (previous playlists include: "Beautiful but Sad," "Happier," and "Joy").  Some of these songs have stories that go with them, some remind me of particular people and places, some make me smile, and others just reflect how it feels for me when I am doing ministry.

It is a work in progress, like everything else.  Also, any music that makes me seem cool is there because I have good friends who give me music and because my brother, who has great taste, tells me what to listen to.

Ministry Playlist

The Wind, Cat Stevens
One Little Child, Kathleen Hannan
What Light, Wilco
Your Ex-Lover is Dead, Stars
All the Way Down, Glen Hansard
Hard to Be, David Bazan
Fidelity, Regina Spektor
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, Alivia Biko
Blackbird, The Beatles
Sing You Home, Kathleen Hannan
Family Tree, TV on the Radio
Sexyback, Justin Timberlake
Red Right Ankle, The Decemberists
Be Thou My Vision, Pedro the Lion
As Is, Ani DiFranco
It's Alright, Dar Williams
Dona Nobis Pacem, Alivia Biko
Curse Your Branches, David Bazan
One, Aimee Mann
Antichrist Television Blues, Arcade Fire
Kids, Mgmt
Samson, Regina Spektor
Neon Bible, Arcade Fire
Soul Meets Body, Death Cab for Cutie
I Am Always the One Who Calls, Pedro the Lion
Ostinato Del Caminito, Black Prairie
Let it Be, The Beatles
The Lord is My Shepherd, John Rutter
Letter From a Concerned Follower, Pedro the Lion
Disillusion, Badly Drawn Boy
Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
Let it Be Me, Indigo Girls
Ask Me Anything, Alivia Biko
Morning Has Broken, Cat Stevens
God Takes Care of the Little Things, The Boy Least Likely To

After the Storm

My most recent foray into traveling ministry ended on Sunday and I am grateful again for Robin M's post on re-entry.  I think all traveling ministers should have a copy of this to read each time they come home.  So I am trying to follow Robin's advice and be gentle with myself and others as I go back to "normal" life.

Today, this poem spoke to my condition.  I thought I'd post it here for any other Mary Oliver fans out there (and there seem to be a lot of you).

Wild Geese

by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting―

over and over announcing your place 

in the family of things.

Dialogue

One of the things that has been keeping me from writing much lately is that I have been serving as an elder for Noah M while he is serving as Friend in Residence for Multnomah Monthly Meeting.  I knew this was going to be hard work, but I didn't realize how hard.  

Part of what is making it hard for me is that I am continuing to do my full-time job while trying to elder for Noah, which is not easy for either of us.  He would like more support and I would like to give more support, but it's just not possible for me to be with him all the time in this ministry.

I also feel like I don't understand everything that is going on right now.  Noah and I are both around 30 years old, and most of the Friends we have been spending time with are more than twice our age.  I am feeling the generational disconnect more strongly than I usually do, and this is some of what it feels like for me:*

ME & NOAH:  Hey guys!

OLDER FRIENDS:  Wow, look at these cute little ministers!  Let's feed them.

ME & NOAH:  Things have to change.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Yes!  What do you think should change?

ME & NOAH:  Everything.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Huh.  But how do we get young people to be on our committees?

ME & NOAH:  No, seriously, you are going to die if you keep this up.  [You = The Religious Society of Friends]

OLDER FRIENDS:  Wait, what was the agenda for the workshop again?

ME & NOAH:  You will be surrounded by flames and overcome by floods and God is your only hope.

OLDER FRIENDS:  By "god," do you mean "nothingness"?

ME & NOAH:  No.  We mean God.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Well, that language makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's meditate or talk about activism or something instead.

Please keep all of us in your prayers.


*I want to be very clear that, even though I am using Noah's name, these are a reflection of my experiences.  I am not in any way trying to speak for him.

Eldering

When I learned that Wess D was going to be the guest speaker for Quaker Heritage Day, my first thought was, "I should go with him as his elder!"  Then I looked at my planner and realized that I couldn't―Quaker Heritage Day was scheduled for the same weekend as the February School of the Spirit residency in Durham, North Carolina.

Wess and I talked on the phone soon after, and we both said we were sorry that we would not be able to do this ministry together.  I promised to keep him in my prayers, and he said that he would let me know how his search for an elder progressed.  A few weeks later, Wess sent me an email saying that he would be traveling with a Friend from his church who was new to this kind of work.  Wess asked if I had written any blog posts about being an elder and I realized that I had not, and I probably should.

So here are some of my thoughts on being an elder.  Before I begin, I would like to clarify that this is a specific kind of eldering, that is, traveling with a minister to hold the minister and the community in prayer as he or she gives ministry under a concern.  I have also done less formal sorts of eldering in my home meeting, which I may talk about in another post.  In addition, although I have eldered for both men and women called to ministry, I will use female pronouns for the rest of this post for simplicity.  I will also refer to the gathering as a "workshop," even though these reflections would apply in many contexts.

As an elder, I have found that prayer is essential.  When I feel called to elder for someone, that person is in my prayers long before we travel.  I pray that she will be open to what God is putting in her heart to share.  I also pray for the people we will visit, that their hearts will be open to hear the message.

Before the workshop, it is important for me to spend time with the minister.  It is best if we have an opportunity to worship with each other, but traveling and eating together are also good ways for us to "sync up" before offering ministry.

During the workshop, I continue to hold the minister and the community in prayer.  This can be a very powerful experience for me.  I often feel myself holding the meeting, which, for me, feels like being at the bottom of a well.  I don't always hear all of the words Friends are sharing, but I have a sense of how the Spirit is moving through them and in the room.

Eldering is a very physical experience for me.  When I am praying, I feel the weight of the ministry.  I am also very aware of the bodies of those in the room.  I have found that one of the gifts I bring to eldering is a sense of when to take a break, either because people are getting restless, or because they need time to absorb the ministry being shared.

I try to be mindful about where I am in the room, and I check in with the minister beforehand about what would feel most supportive for her.  Generally, I try to sit near the minister, but where I can also see everyone in the room.  Sometimes I feel led to move, and I try to be open to that.

I check in with the minister throughout the workshop, to see how things are going with her and to share any impressions that arise.  Sometimes this is as mundane as making sure the minister has water or a snack, other times it involves major course correction to respond to the needs of the people in the room.  If the workshop is long, it can be grounding to have another opportunity to worship together.

Throughout, I do my best to lay down my own business and concerns and be open to God. 

It is helpful for me if the minister lets me know if she wants anything in particular.  For example, when I eldered for Marge A in the fall, she asked me to sum up the day in the final worship.  Knowing that in advance helped me to pay attention to the threads of ministry being woven together over the course of the workshop.

The relationship of minister and elder is intimate, and I think it is important for anyone being called to this work to know that in advance.  Ideally, both the minister and the elder are open and vulnerable to God, which can make them quite open and vulnerable to each other.  Spiritual intimacy often is not recognized in our culture, and it can be confusing for those doing ministry and those witnessing the ministry.  Consequently, while doing this work, it is critical for both the minister and elder to keep their focus on God.

After the workshop is over, I try to spend time with the minister reflecting on the experience.  Something I have learned from the School of the Spirit is the practice of examen―reflecting on the day, in particular, how I felt the Spirit at work and where the Spirit felt absent or blocked.  This is a time when the minister and I may feel tender and tired, so it is not a good idea to rehash everything, but it is good to take some time to check in again and close in worship.  I also try to keep in touch with the minister over the following days and weeks to see if anything arises about the experience.

I realize that I have described a kind of idealized eldering experience here.  I don't remember to do all of these things all the time.  In fact, when I am preparing to serve as an elder, I usually have a moment of panic, when I feel sure that I can't do it.  That is important for me, because it reminds me that I am not doing this―God is working through me to help ground the minister in truth.

Friends have a lot of historical resources describing the experiences of ministers, but not very many about the experiences of elders.  That isn't surprising; I have found that elders aren't always the chattiest bunch.  It is intuitive work and there aren't always words for the experiences.  I hope that these reflections on my experiences are helpful for those feeling called to serve as an elder, and I would welcome responses from others who have done this work.

Jesus and Me

It seems like everyone in my School of the Spirit class is hard at work on our second projects.  I have finished all my research, but I haven't written the paper yet, which is not great, because it's due next Thursday.  

One of my classmates is writing a paper on Jesus, and she sent us the following questions:

• Who is Jesus in your life?
• What does it mean to you to live a Christian life?
• What one thing would you say to people to describe your relationship with Jesus?

It took me a long time to respond.  And when I did, it was scary, because I knew the answers were not the "right" ones.  But they were real.  Here they are, with links to some of the Bible verses that led me to believe these things.

Who is Jesus in your life?

Jesus was a young man of incredible faithfulness and courage.  He was an introvert who was called to speak and lead; he sometimes lost his temper, but he always learned from his experiences.*  He did not know the future any more than any other person; that is to say, it came to him in bits and pieces.  And even when he knew what was going to happen, he still lived up to the measure of Light given to him.

What does it mean to you to live a Christian life?

To love God and to love your neighbor as yourself (which means you'd better love yourself!).

 

 

What one thing would you say to people to describe your relationship with Jesus? 

 

I don't feel that I have a relationship with Jesus like some of my friends do.  I admire him, but we don't hang out.  I experience God through the Holy Spirit, and I think those experiences are similar to the experiences of others who have a more personal relationship with Jesus.

*With thanks to my friend Janie, who pointed this story out to me.

Clerking

Last week, I became presiding clerk of Freedom Friends Church.  That wasn't a surprise.  Although you never know what the meeting will do, I had been assistant presiding clerk for the previous year with the expectation that I would go on to be clerk, and no one had raised concerns about my nomination.  But I wasn't expecting to clerk the business meeting in which I became clerk.

On Sunday morning before meeting, I got a call from Alivia, who was then presiding clerk.  She sounded awful.  She told me that after Ministry and Oversight met the day before, she had come down with a terrible cold, and had spent the night awake with a sore throat.  I said that I was sorry, and that I could clerk business meeting if she wasn't up for it.  She said she would think about it, and called me back a few minutes later to say that she thought it would be better for me to clerk.

I was terrified.  Although I have clerked committee meetings and conference calls, I had never clerked monthly meeting.  And, in addition to the regular business meeting, this was the Sunday we were going to have yearly meeting (because Freedom Friends is an independent monthly meeting, we have our own yearly meeting).  I had never even attended yearly meeting at Freedom Friends.

I knew I needed some backup, so I sent out an email to 22 Friends from all over the country, asking them to pray for me.  I said,

Dear Friends,

I just found out that Alivia has a bad sore throat and probably will not be able to clerk business/yearly meeting today, so I will most likely be clerking in her place.  This is the business meeting where we are considering the new slate of officers, including me as presiding clerk.  I would really appreciate it if you would pray for me and for Freedom Friends, whenever you get this (since God is out of time, I figure after-the-fact prayers work just as well).  Thank you!

Love,
Ashley

 A few minutes later, Peggy and Alivia picked me up and we went to church.

When we got to the church, Alivia and I went over the powerpoint slides that she had prepared for the meetings.  We talked again about whether she was up for clerking, and agreed again that she was not.  I know it was disappointing for her, after being clerk for over six years, to not be able to clerk her final business meeting, but it seemed right to both of us.

While we were talking, I realized that my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't hold my cup of tea.  I prayed to be able to get through the meeting.  Alivia prayed for me, and said that she would be praying during business meeting.  Then meeting for worship began.

It has been our practice at Freedom Friends for a while to have business meeting rise out of our usual meeting for worship.  So we began our usual semi-programmed worship with a song and gratitudes and petitions.  During the time for petitions, I said that I had not woken up that morning expecting to clerk business meeting, and asked the meeting to hold me in prayer.

After open worship, I felt led to pray and begin the business meeting.  As soon as business meeting began, I felt a calm descend on me.  I knew that Alivia and others were praying for me, and I felt easy to go through the agenda that Ministry and Oversight had prepared.  As I was clerking, I felt as if there were hands on my shoulders.  Even though I knew there was no one there, I almost turned around to check.  I could feel the presence of many of the Friends I had asked to hold me in prayer there in the room with me.

I was supposed to present on two topics during business meeting, my Margaret Fell Fund report and a recommendation from Ministry and Oversight to have alternating unprogrammed and programmed worship on fifth Sundays.  I knew it was not good process for me to present while I was clerking, so I asked Alivia to step in and clerk during those presentations, and she agreed to do so.  I think it must have looked funny for us to be switching chairs, but when we did, I could feel the weight of clerking come off my shoulders and see it go onto hers.  And when we switched back, I felt the weight on me again.

Business meeting took about an hour, then we took a 10 minute break, and met again for yearly meeting.  In our yearly meeting, we approved the new slate of officers, including me as presiding clerk, and minuted our gratitude for those who had served for the previous year.  We also extended our pastor's call for another year, and heard and approved the State of the Church Report.  And then it was over.

I know that being clerk of Freedom Friends will be one of the most challenging things I have ever done.  I know I won't do it perfectly, and making mistakes along the way will be part of the learning experience.  But thinking about it now, I feel so filled with gratitude.  I am grateful to all those who were praying for me, both there and far away.  I am grateful to Alivia for being faithful and allowing me to step into this role.  I am grateful to Freedom Friends for trusting me to listen to them and to God.  And I am grateful to God for being there with me through it all.