FGC Gathering: Some Thoughts on Privilege

There were several themes in the air at the FGC Gathering, and one of them was the concept of privilege.  I heard at least two messages in meeting for worship about privilege, and I know many people were in conversation about it.

All of that made me think about the difference between privilege and privilege.

I think you know what I mean, but just in case, here's an illustration.  Imagine a middle-aged man beginning to give a talk by saying, "I feel so privileged to be here tonight."  Now imagine a young woman with hairy legs and a shaking voice saying to that man, "Check your privilege."

It's the same man.  He has the same amount of privilege.  But it's different, right?

As I write this, I am keenly aware that I am a newcomer to this conversation.  But I sense an opening, in myself and in the Religious Society of Friends, that we are ready to engage more deeply on this issue. 

Part of that opening is inspired by two recent posts by Joanna H (Privilege, part 1 and Privilege, part 2).  I also know that many Friends (and others) have been working hard on this issue for years.  Ones that come immediately to mind are Liz O, Vanessa J, Jeanne B, and George L, and I know there are many more.

This is not meant to be a treatise on privilege.  Rather, I am taking a page from Parker Palmer and trying to write about something I don't completely understand.  I know it is challenging, and I appreciate you hanging in there with me.

It feels disingenuous to talk about the ways I feel marginalized without first acknowledging my own privilege.  Yesterday, a co-worker and I took a minute to list all of the ways we could think of that I am privileged.  It was a long list. 

I am: white, able-bodied, blue-eyed, Christian, reasonably attractive and fit, very well-educated, employed, cisgender, and a U.S. citizen.  I come from a middle class background and I have a vast safety net of family and friends.  Although I identify as bisexual, I usually come across as straight, which means that I have the choice of whether and when to reveal my sexual orientation.  The list goes on.  I did not do anything to earn this privilege, and all of these things make my life easier.

I am also a woman and a young adult Friend. 

Over the past few years as I have traveled among Friends, I have encountered assumptions about me and about who we are as Friends that make me feel alienated as a woman and a young person.  [Note: it feels a little strange for me to identify here as young.  I am 31.  In all other parts of my life, I am a real adult.  But in the context of the Religious Society of Friends, I am young and I am grouped into Young Adult Friends (YAFs), regardless of whether I identify as one.] 

This post is about the ways I have felt marginalized by my gender and age.  I am not trying to fix things.  I am just going to list of some of the assumptions I have come across and attempt to explain why they make me feel "other."  Although I am trying to separate them out, there is some overlap.

Assumption #1:  YAFs do not have much Quaker experience (and have lots of free time).  Last year, when I was in Kenya for the World Conference of Friends, a woman sat down next to me at breakfast.  She mentioned that she was on a nominating committee and asked me what my gifts and talents were.  I told her that I was pretty busy.  She said, "You're young, how busy could you be?"  At the time, I was clerk of my meeting in addition to holding down a full-time legal job.

Assumption #2:  We all have the same amount of money.  We don't.  Some people, when they want to go to a Quaker event, just write a check.  I don't think I have ever paid a full registration fee for a Quaker event.  In order to go to the FGC Gathering this summer, I had four grants (the Pickett Endowment, a workgrant for leading a workshop, a travel grant, and a scholarship from my meeting).  Young people are more likely to be taking the cheaper options: sharing rooms, getting fewer meals, or camping.  YAFs are less likely to have vacation homes.  At the World Conference of Friends, much was made of having Friends pay their fair share based on their home countries' gross domestic product.  But while we were there, a YAF from one of the wealthiest countries confided in me that she had been homeless just months before the conference.

Assumption #3:  The people who want to be there, are.  Sometimes when older Friends sigh and say, "Where are the young people?"  I want to respond, "They are at work!"  We do not all have flexible schedules.  I am fortunate enough to have a job with paid vacation leave, but even so, I had to save up for months to have enough vacation time to go to the Gathering for a week.  It is time I did not spend on other vacation or to see my family.  Young Friends are working to pay rent, support their families, or pay off student loans and other debt.  YAFs have to carefully discern whether to attend Quaker events.

Assumption #4:  Everyone feels safe.  Like many women (and also a lot of men), I am a survivor of sexual assault.  One of the consequences is that I am very sensitive about people touching me, especially men.  As a woman, I have found that many men—including Quakers—feel free to touch me in ways that they would never touch other men.  At Quaker events, there is a lot of hugging and other casual touch, and Friends have at times made me feel uncomfortable (or even shamed me) for avoiding hugs.  (And don't even get me started on "cuddle puddles.")

Assumption #5:  Everyone has an equal opportunity to speak and be heard.  This is a hard one because Friends have always held that men and women are equal.  However, in our culture, women are socialized to keep quiet and men tend to interrupt and to dominate the conversation.  Although Quakers try for more equality, we don't just leave those patterns behind when we are in Quaker settings.  One of the ways this comes out is in conversations about vocal ministry.  The assumption often is that ministers tend to speak too soon and for too long (more common for men).  My experience is that I am more likely to be unfaithful by waiting too long before I speak (more common for women).  Rather than being told to "be humble" in ministry, women may need to be told to "be bold."

I could go on, but that feels like enough for now.  I am not sharing these to try to make anyone feel bad.  I just ask that, if you find yourself making these assumptions, you stop to think first. 

Check your privilege, Friends.  And be grateful for the privileges God has given you.