Sunday, July 11, 2010
This morning in worship, I felt very unsettled. I could feel myself preparing internally for the upcoming yearly meetings and strong emotions were going through me. On Tuesday, I leave for Missoula, Montana for North Pacific Yearly Meeting annual session. I return the following Monday, spend about a week at home, then go to Newberg, Oregon for Northwest Yearly Meeting annual session as the NPYM visitor.
I did the same thing last year and I don't know whether it was better to not know what I was getting myself into. Yearly meetings may look like a vacation from the outside, but they are hard work. Last year, I spent NPYM fighting with God about a message I felt led to give. And on the last day of my time at NWYM, I wrote in my notes that my heart was broken and that this is "hard work, harder than anything else because it requires everything."
In addition to all of this, I will be moving to Salem a few days after I return from NWYM. I have been fighting with God a lot about this move lately. I felt a clear call to move to Salem and I have arranged my life around that call, but at times it feels like too much. I don't want to give up my home, University Friends Meeting, or my friends here. I am sad to leave my godson, who just started to be able to pronounce my name. And I am not thrilled that even though my moving date is less than three weeks away, I still don't know where my new home will be.
Worship this morning gave me time to sit with all of this, and to cry. Friends on either side of me gave me silent support as I grieved all that I am giving up as I attempt to follow God's leadings.
I think I sometimes unintentionally give the impression that this faith stuff is easy for me. It's not. It is very, very hard. But I committed to try to make God the center of my life, and I shouldn't be surprised when God moves in and disrupts all of the ideas I have about how my life should go.
A Bible story that I return to frequently is the story of Jacob wrestling with God. This story speaks to me because that is how I often feel about my relationship with God: I am angry with God and we fight. At some point, God usually breaks me, but I know God also blesses me.
I probably won't have a lot of time to post here in the next few weeks as I travel and pack. I will be out doing my best to follow the Spirit, though, and I would appreciate it if you would keep me in your prayers.