It feels strange to tell a story about skiing when it was in the 70s all last week, but I am going to anyway. (It is stranger that it was in the 70s all last week in Salem, Oregon, in April. And that the predicted high for Saturday is 84. Climate change is real, you guys.)
When I was growing up in Alaska, I loved to go downhill skiing and I got pretty good at it. One day, I was out skiing with my mom and conditions were perfect. It was sunny and the mountain was covered in soft, fresh powder. My mom was ahead of me, so I took a run pretty quickly.
Then, close to the bottom, my ski caught and I wiped out spectacularly. I wasn't hurt, but I went head over heels, and my skis and poles all went in different directions. I got up and collected my skis and poles and skied the rest of the way down.
When I caught up to my mom, she was waiting with a friend, an older man who was an excellent skier. I was hanging my head because I knew they had both seen me wipe out. Then the friend said to me, "Don't be embarrassed. When you fall like that, it means you are skiing right at the edge of your ability."
A few weeks ago, I met with my recording committee for the last time. We didn't have a topic for the meeting, we just met to spend some time in worship and see what arose.
During our conversation, one person said that, when you do ministry, you have to be prepared to fail often. I told the committee my story about skiing and wiping out, and said that sometimes I have the sense that I am doing ministry right at the edge of my ability.
Sometimes I make it through and breathe a sigh of relief; sometimes I wipe out spectacularly. But I hope to have the strength to get back up and try again.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Easter Message
[This is the message I gave during fifth-Sunday programmed worship at Freedom Friends Church yesterday. In our programmed worship services, we have talked about some of the different ways of reading the Bible. This worship was in the style of lectio divina: we read the scripture aloud three times―twice before the message and once after, followed by a time of open worship. The worship began and ended with beautiful music by Seth Martin. I highly recommend his new CD and, in particular, the song Fireweed Mountain, which he played at the end of open worship.]
One day, Simon went to his dad. He was really excited. He said, "Dad, I have a great idea! Why don't we pray to Jesus to raise Max from the dead?" And Simon's dad had to explain to him that, although we believe that Jesus could raise Max from the dead, he probably wouldn't.
And that is what usually happens when people die: we don't see them again.
In the scripture we read today, Jesus has died and no one knows what is going to happen. The women follow their tradition; this is what they do when someone dies, they prepare the spices and go to take care of the body.
This is one of the stories that we tell over and over. We tell it every year around this time, and other times of the year as well. I think one of the reasons that we tell this story so often is because it has to do with death, something we all experience. We are all going to die, and we will all have people that we love die.
So I am going to tell the story of the first time I experienced death. This happened when I was 19. It was not the first time that someone I knew died, but it was the first time death really touched me.
In my family's neighborhood, there were two families with three children. One had three sons and the other had three daughters. The kids were about the same ages as the kids in my family, and our families were close.
One Sunday, very early in the morning, my mom woke me up to tell me that there had been a car accident. The middle son had been in a car that was hit by a bus, and it looked like he was not going to make it. He didn't. It was devastating for my family.
Then, less than a week later, we got a phone call, saying that there had been another car accident. Two of the daughters in the other family had been in the car, and the oldest daughter was killed in the accident.
I think there is a special kind of grief when young people die unexpectedly. No one knew what to do. Our church's youth pastor came to my family's house to talk to us, but I don't remember what he said. I didn't want to hear about God. I was too angry.
What I do remember from that time is my mom. Every day for two weeks, she made muffins for the families. She would wrap the muffins up in a basket and leave them on the doorstep for the families. During that time, I would wake up in the mornings and watch my mom make muffins, and that is where I saw God.
At North Seattle Friends Church, they have a practice on Sundays of sharing what they call "God stories"―stories of how they see God at work in their lives. This is one of those stories.
In this Bible story, when the women come to the tomb, they find the stone rolled away and encounter two men who look like light. These men say to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?"
I always used to read that as the men chastising the women, but now I read it as true. We find the living among the dead. God is especially present in times of death.
These men who look like light say to the women, "He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.'"
Jesus had said those things to the women, but when he said them, they didn't understand. It seemed like nonsense to them. But when the women heard them again, they understood.
These women―Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others―went back to tell the Eleven and the others what they had seen and heard, but those men did not believe them because they had not experienced it yet. To them, it seemed like nonsense.
My message this morning is this: Tell the stories of how God is present in your life, however you see God in your life. Even if, to others, it seems like nonsense.
On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’” Then they remembered his words.
When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense.
Luke 24:1-11 (NIV).As many of you know, I have a godson named Simon who is five. Last year, something sad happened to Simon. Simon would like to have a dog, but he can't because his mom is allergic. He got really attached to his aunt and uncle's dog, who was very elderly. Last year, that dog passed away. Simon was sad and had a lot of questions about death.
One day, Simon went to his dad. He was really excited. He said, "Dad, I have a great idea! Why don't we pray to Jesus to raise Max from the dead?" And Simon's dad had to explain to him that, although we believe that Jesus could raise Max from the dead, he probably wouldn't.And that is what usually happens when people die: we don't see them again.
In the scripture we read today, Jesus has died and no one knows what is going to happen. The women follow their tradition; this is what they do when someone dies, they prepare the spices and go to take care of the body.
This is one of the stories that we tell over and over. We tell it every year around this time, and other times of the year as well. I think one of the reasons that we tell this story so often is because it has to do with death, something we all experience. We are all going to die, and we will all have people that we love die.
So I am going to tell the story of the first time I experienced death. This happened when I was 19. It was not the first time that someone I knew died, but it was the first time death really touched me.
In my family's neighborhood, there were two families with three children. One had three sons and the other had three daughters. The kids were about the same ages as the kids in my family, and our families were close.
One Sunday, very early in the morning, my mom woke me up to tell me that there had been a car accident. The middle son had been in a car that was hit by a bus, and it looked like he was not going to make it. He didn't. It was devastating for my family.Then, less than a week later, we got a phone call, saying that there had been another car accident. Two of the daughters in the other family had been in the car, and the oldest daughter was killed in the accident.
I think there is a special kind of grief when young people die unexpectedly. No one knew what to do. Our church's youth pastor came to my family's house to talk to us, but I don't remember what he said. I didn't want to hear about God. I was too angry.
What I do remember from that time is my mom. Every day for two weeks, she made muffins for the families. She would wrap the muffins up in a basket and leave them on the doorstep for the families. During that time, I would wake up in the mornings and watch my mom make muffins, and that is where I saw God.
At North Seattle Friends Church, they have a practice on Sundays of sharing what they call "God stories"―stories of how they see God at work in their lives. This is one of those stories.
In this Bible story, when the women come to the tomb, they find the stone rolled away and encounter two men who look like light. These men say to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?"
I always used to read that as the men chastising the women, but now I read it as true. We find the living among the dead. God is especially present in times of death.
These men who look like light say to the women, "He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.'"
Jesus had said those things to the women, but when he said them, they didn't understand. It seemed like nonsense to them. But when the women heard them again, they understood.
These women―Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others―went back to tell the Eleven and the others what they had seen and heard, but those men did not believe them because they had not experienced it yet. To them, it seemed like nonsense.
My message this morning is this: Tell the stories of how God is present in your life, however you see God in your life. Even if, to others, it seems like nonsense.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Just a Psalm
When I was little, my dad would read a chapter of the Bible to me and my sister every night before we went to bed. Usually, we would read through one of the gospels or the stories from the Old Testament, but if we were late getting to bed, dad would tease us and say there wasn't enough time. We would beg him to read to us, and he would relent, saying, "Maybe just a Psalm." It became something that my sister and I would say jokingly, when we were up too late―just a Psalm.Thinking about that makes me laugh now. I still read the Bible before I go to bed, and I probably read the Psalms more than any other book. There is so much to them! The imagery is amazing, and I love how the writers reflect all of the emotions they are feeling: giving thanks, praising God, feeling abandoned, alone, or in despair―sometimes all in the same Psalm!
I also love how familiar the Psalms are, not just because I read them so often, but because I learned so many of them set to music in my childhood. I will be reading along, then come to a phrase or even a whole chapter that brings back a melody and a time and place I had forgotten.
I memorized a lot of Bible verses as a child, but the first entire chapter I learned by heart was Psalm 100. My travel Bible says that it is a psalm for giving thanks, which seems like a good place to start. [Note: I generally try to use nongendered language for God, but because I learned this Psalm with male pronouns, I am leaving it that way here.]
Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful song.
Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
A Child Is Born
Earlier this week, I went to a yoga class where the teacher mentioned that there were eight more days where the light would get shorter, and then we will start having longer days again.
As I have mentioned before, Quakers traditionally do not celebrate Christmas. In fact, there was a very funny post by Rob P recently about ways Quakers did not celebrate "the day called Christmas."
But I feel like, in this part of the world, it is nearly impossible not to participate in Advent. As the days get shorter, we wait and hope for light and warmth, and believe that those things will come.
This year, my family has had its own small-scale advent, waiting for my sister to give birth to her first son. He was not due until early January, but he had plans of his own and arrived early this morning.
Joshua H, born at 5:08 a.m., 7 pounds, 7 ounces
So now the waiting is over, and we can celebrate. In the past few hours, this new baby has brought joy to family and friends. I am looking forward to going to Anchorage on Wednesday to meet my new nephew, and I think we are all excited to get to know him.
Regardless of whether you celebrate a holiday this time of year or not, I wish you joy and love and light.
Blessings,
Ashley
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Arisen
For Jessica, my Southern Alter Ego:
Yesterday was the first warm, gorgeous day of spring, and I spent part of the afternoon laying out in the grass, contemplating resurrection.Setting aside the question of whether Jesus physically rose from the dead on the third day, I think we too often forget what a miracle it is that he was alive at all.
Jesus was human, and as a man, he had a body. That means that his body did all of the embarrassing things that bodies do. And all of the lovely things. Jesus could laugh and dance and sing and stumble, like the rest of us. He sometimes felt abandoned by his friends and by God, but he also had an immense capacity to feel joy and love.And we have bodies, which is pretty miraculous when you think about it. Our bodies do all of the embarrassing things that bodies do, and all of the lovely things. We can touch each other and comfort one another. We get to fall in love and have our hearts broken just so that we can learn how much more we can love. And we woke up this morning―joyfully or groggily, alone or next to someone we love. That too is a miracle.
Happy Easter.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Reflection Paper
In preparation for the 2010 Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference, we have asked each woman attending the conference to write a brief reflection paper on the theme, Walk With Me: Mentors, Elders, and Friends, and three quotes:
From: 2 Timothy 1:5-7
I’m reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and now, I’m certain, in you as well. That’s why I want to remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God didn’t give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, of self-discipline.
From: Martha Paxson Grundy, Tall Poppies: Supporting Gifts of Ministry and Eldering in the Monthly Meeting, p. 27, Pendle Hill Publications.
“Many Friends today are crying out for spiritual mentors, for ministers and elders who are lovingly steeped in our tradition. Some Friends hunger for a deeper relationship with God, for a connection with a divine power that heals and empowers. We long for wise and loving role models and examples.”
From: Patricia Loring, Listening Spirituality Vol. II, 1999.
“As meetings became settled, elders performed a variety of functions, according to their gifts and leadings. . . . [A]ll gifts and ministries were for building up the spiritual life of the meeting and the Society: directing and re-directing people to the Spirit of God, to the Inward Christ, the Light, the Inward Teacher, the Guide, the one true Priest and Shepherd. It was clearly understood that any member of the meeting might be called to some part of this service, but that some were specifically led by the Spirit at any given time.”
This is my reflection paper, which will be shared with all of the women attending the conference.
Walk With Me: Mentors, Elders, and Friends
As a child, I had frequent nightmares. Seeing any sort of violent picture or watching a violent movie would give me terrible dreams. I convinced my younger sister to share a bed with me for years to try to keep the bad dreams away (though I told her that it was because she might have nightmares, not me). When I talked to my mom about my bad dreams, she gave me a Bible verse, II Timothy 1:7. In the translation she taught me, the verse was, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind.”
I think the verse was helpful for me when I was younger, and the translation we are using for this conference seems like an appropriate message for me now. “For God didn’t give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, of self-discipline.” I sometimes act as if God had given me a spirit of timidity. I resist giving vocal ministry until I am visibly shaking and my breath is ragged and it is clear to everyone around me that I have to speak. I dread public speaking and I am embarrassed when I am the center of attention. But God keeps telling me to speak, so I do.
As I have helped plan this conference over the past two years, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the theme. The first time I heard Quakers use the word “elder,” I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew it sounded like a bad thing. These Friends were discussing someone’s inappropriate behavior in meeting and having to “elder” that person. Since then, I have learned a more positive definition of elder: someone who names and nurtures the spiritual gifts of people in a meeting and cares for the spiritual needs of the meeting as a whole.
Part of the work I have done to prepare for this conference has been to visit Friends meetings and churches and invite women to come. Sarah P and I have gone to many meetings and churches to worship with Friends and talk about our experiences with the conference. Although speaking in front of groups has been challenging for me, overall, this travel in the ministry has been a very good experience. Friends have been welcoming and we have had wonderful discussions about the different ways we talk about and experience the Spirit.
I am so grateful to all of the women who have been walking alongside me for the past two years. Each time the planning committee met, elders would hold us in prayer. I have a wonderful support committee made up of women who meet with me once a month to worship, listen, and hold me accountable as I try to discern what I am called to do. As Sarah and I have traveled and worked together, we have tried to be intentional about our spiritual friendship, giving each other space to talk about how God is at work in our lives. I am also thankful for all the friends who have checked in with me and given me phone call pep talks.
Many people have commented on how young Sarah and I are to be co-clerking the planning committee. When I attended the last women’s conference, I was so impressed by the amount of experience the women at the conference had. I met women who had served as leaders in their meetings, churches, and in the wider Quaker world. I look up to these women as mentors and elders, and I hope that this conference will provide space for women to share what they have learned with each other, across lines of age and tradition.
Setting aside time to listen to God and to listen to each other is a powerful thing. As much as I have been trying to plan this conference, I know that I can only do so much. I look forward to hearing what each person will bring as we gather together to listen.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hurry Up and Wait
I have never been very good at dealing with change and there seems to be a lot of it right now. The season changed while I wasn't paying attention and now we have another hour. In the last week I have spent time with my family, mourning the loss of my grandfather. My job is coming to an end (it seems like for real this time) and I am thinking about hibernating for a while.
One of the things I love about traveling in the ministry is the strong sense I get from moment to moment of where I am supposed to be. I don't know why I feel pulled toward a particular place or person, and I don't always know why I am there, but it is very satisfying even if I never know the reason.
I miss that feeling when I go back to what I still think of as my real life. I wonder how to find it, and the answer I get is to slow down.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A Thin Place
When I walked into meeting today, Jana was there. I was thrilled to see her. After she was hit by a car several weeks ago, no one knew what was going to happen. Her recovery has been incredible, and last Tuesday, she got to go home. Because of her broken leg, she is in a wheelchair, and she has months of various kinds of therapy ahead, but she looks amazing.
Jana seemed surprised by all the attention she was getting. She said that people keep telling her that she sounds just like herself, and she wonders how else she would be. Knowing that she would be mobbed if they stayed out in the social hall, Jana's husband took her into meeting early. Others joined and we all settled.
The meeting today had a special quality. We were silent for longer than usual, and three weighty Friends gave messages out of that silence. One in particular spoke to me. A Friend shared about a family in our meeting—a grandson, Milo, was born last week, and his grandmother, Lynn, is in the process of dying.
This message struck a chord in me because I was that baby.
My mom was eight months pregnant with me when her mother died. I know it was an incredibly hard time for her and the rest of my family, but it has also been a blessing for me. Even though I was born in a time of great sorrow, I have always known that my birth was a cause for great joy.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Survey Results
Thank you to everyone who voted in and commented on the survey! I think it was quite successful. I got a lot of good responses, both here and to my post on facebook.
Here are the official results:
Total number of votes: 28
I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that I grew up in a Bible immersion program. From kindergarten until eighth grade, I attended Sonrise Christian School, where we prayed every day (usually several times), had chapel once a week, and in addition to having a Bible class, memory verse was a graded subject (a subject I actually failed one semester in fourth grade, but that's another story). If we spoke out of turn in class, instead of having us write lines, the teacher would keep us in for recess copying out every verse in the concordance under "silence." And all through my childhood, my Dad would read us a chapter of the Bible every night before bed.
I have written before about my falling out with Christianity. A big part of the problem for me was how I saw people using the Bible as a weapon to condemn and alienate others. I wanted nothing to do with it, so I stopped reading the Bible (and going to church). Other than using my knowledge of biblical references to impress literature professors at my godless university, I didn't really think about it much.
But then, about ten years later, I found myself in an unprogrammed Friends meeting with a sudden urge to try reading the Bible again. It made me nervous. I wasn't sure what reading the Bible would do to me and I think I was afraid that I would have some extreme reaction―either become a fundamentalist or blow off all religion again.
Fortunately, neither of those things happened. I mentioned to my Mom that I thought it would be good to read the Bible in a different translation and asked her to send one of the many Bibles my parents have at their house. She went out and bought me a new Bible in the Message translation, which is the one I am close to finishing.
By reading the Bible, I was trying to bring something from my childhood into my present to see if it has life. I was also trying to take texts that had become so familiar that I could no longer see them and read them with new eyes.
It has been a very rich experience for me and one that I have tried to document to some extent on this blog. Just as it was in my childhood, the Bible is at times beautiful, violent, funny, frustrating, comforting, inspiring, and baffling. I don't think I am any closer to understanding it than I was when I started Genesis over a year ago, but I am glad I have given it a try.
Here are the official results:
Total number of votes: 28
- Read a little bit from the Old Testament and a little bit from the New Testament each day. (16 votes, 57%)
- Read the gospels over and over until you get it. (11 votes, 39%)
- Turn back to page one and try again. (5 votes, 17%)
- Start from the end and work your way back to the beginning. (4 votes, 14%)
- What do you need it for after you read it? (3 votes, 10%)
- The Koran
- Brief History of Time and The Universe in a Nutshell, by Stephen Hawking
- Tao te Ching
- The Essential Rumi
- The Tibetan book of the Dead
- Bhagavad-Gita
- The Essential Kabbalah
- The Way of a Pilgrim
- Siddhartha
- Awakening the Buddha Within
- the books of the Apocrypha
- The Untold Story of the New Testament Church, by Frank Viola
- Prophet and Teacher, by William Herzog
- The New Testament and the People of God, by NT Wright
- Daily Light on the daily path, from the Billy Graham Association
- Authors: Bart D Ehrman, David Boulton, and Karen Armstrong
- Write a new Bible
- a series of Lectio Divina either directed or random selections from the NT and maybe the wisdom books of the OT
- Jager-bomb
- lay the Bible on the table, use a blow dryer to select a random page and then stick a pin in a verse blindfolded and then live that verse out in a literal fashion for the day!
- get a copy of "The Untold Story of the New Testament Church" by Frank Viola and go through Acts and the Pauline epistles using it as a study guide
- read the NT over again, but in the order it was actually written
- start memorizing passages
- spend some time letting all this percolate
- read around the Bible, and have it to hand to see what the authors are talking about
- know the main reason I'm reading the Bible that day
- start reading it with other people
I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that I grew up in a Bible immersion program. From kindergarten until eighth grade, I attended Sonrise Christian School, where we prayed every day (usually several times), had chapel once a week, and in addition to having a Bible class, memory verse was a graded subject (a subject I actually failed one semester in fourth grade, but that's another story). If we spoke out of turn in class, instead of having us write lines, the teacher would keep us in for recess copying out every verse in the concordance under "silence." And all through my childhood, my Dad would read us a chapter of the Bible every night before bed.
I have written before about my falling out with Christianity. A big part of the problem for me was how I saw people using the Bible as a weapon to condemn and alienate others. I wanted nothing to do with it, so I stopped reading the Bible (and going to church). Other than using my knowledge of biblical references to impress literature professors at my godless university, I didn't really think about it much.
But then, about ten years later, I found myself in an unprogrammed Friends meeting with a sudden urge to try reading the Bible again. It made me nervous. I wasn't sure what reading the Bible would do to me and I think I was afraid that I would have some extreme reaction―either become a fundamentalist or blow off all religion again.
Fortunately, neither of those things happened. I mentioned to my Mom that I thought it would be good to read the Bible in a different translation and asked her to send one of the many Bibles my parents have at their house. She went out and bought me a new Bible in the Message translation, which is the one I am close to finishing.
By reading the Bible, I was trying to bring something from my childhood into my present to see if it has life. I was also trying to take texts that had become so familiar that I could no longer see them and read them with new eyes.
It has been a very rich experience for me and one that I have tried to document to some extent on this blog. Just as it was in my childhood, the Bible is at times beautiful, violent, funny, frustrating, comforting, inspiring, and baffling. I don't think I am any closer to understanding it than I was when I started Genesis over a year ago, but I am glad I have given it a try.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My Only Hope
Last week at meeting, I gave vocal ministry. Afterward, a Friend asked whether it was hard for me. I said that it was, as it always is, but I find that when I am sick and tired, I talk more because I have less energy to fight with God.
Standing next to the ocean has always reminded me of the enormity of God and my own insignificance. Lately, I have felt like God is the ocean and I am in it, being thrown against the rocks. My fights with God usually go something like this: God, I am not going to do that. God, please don't make me do that. God, do I really have to do that? Okay, God, I will do it, but I am not going to be happy about it.
I get really angry with God sometimes, but that's okay. God can take it. And then when I am done, we continue on. At times, I hear a quieter voice from God, saying, "You know, we don't always have to do this the hard way . . ."
As a kid reading the Bible, I had a hard time with the command to love God. It made God seem needy and vain and I didn't want to love anyone who would demand love. This time through, I've started to see this differently. Loving makes us better people, the people God wants us to be.
I also didn't like the idea of God as a father. That description made me think of some distant, invisible disciplinarian. But what occurred to me recently is that God is family. Drive you crazy, call at the wrong time, you're stuck with me kind of family. No one knows you quite like family, and in a pinch, there's no one I would rather have at my side.
Standing next to the ocean has always reminded me of the enormity of God and my own insignificance. Lately, I have felt like God is the ocean and I am in it, being thrown against the rocks. My fights with God usually go something like this: God, I am not going to do that. God, please don't make me do that. God, do I really have to do that? Okay, God, I will do it, but I am not going to be happy about it.
I get really angry with God sometimes, but that's okay. God can take it. And then when I am done, we continue on. At times, I hear a quieter voice from God, saying, "You know, we don't always have to do this the hard way . . ."
As a kid reading the Bible, I had a hard time with the command to love God. It made God seem needy and vain and I didn't want to love anyone who would demand love. This time through, I've started to see this differently. Loving makes us better people, the people God wants us to be.
I also didn't like the idea of God as a father. That description made me think of some distant, invisible disciplinarian. But what occurred to me recently is that God is family. Drive you crazy, call at the wrong time, you're stuck with me kind of family. No one knows you quite like family, and in a pinch, there's no one I would rather have at my side.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Are Quakers Christian?
After an epic, three day struggle with the weather and the Seatac airport, I made it home to Anchorage for Christmas. My mom and I both spent a considerable amount of time on hold with Alaska Airlines after my first flight was canceled, and we were very relieved when I finally walked out of the terminal on Monday evening.
On the way home from the airport, mom and I stopped by my parents' church to pick up my dad and sister Rachel. They had spent the evening at the church helping needy families pick out food and Christmas presents. Spending time at my parents' evangelical church always makes me think of how different it is from my Quaker meetings. After we left, I told my parents that a Friend had asked me whether my parents were upset that I had become a Quaker. Mom said, "I really don't care what you are, as long as it is Christian!"
I didn't say anything, but all I could think about were all of the discussions I have heard lately about whether Quakers are Christians. As far as I can tell, the answer seems to be, "it depends."
I have always loved Christmas. I love taking time off to spend with family and friends, sharing good meals, singing Christmas carols, and the excitement in the air. But this year I felt more aware of the tensions that many Quakers feel about celebrating Christmas, and that has made me a little sad.
For many liberal Friends, there seem to be two options: ignore Christmas altogether or just accept that it is a secular, commercial holiday and let the kids have their fun. I am not ready to accept either of these positions.
Christmas in my parents' house has always been a deeply religious holiday. I never believed in Santa, and that never particularly bothered me. I participated in Christmas pageants long before I could follow the Christmas story, beginning with my starring role as the Christ child at two months. The first spoken lines I had in a play were as the angel telling the shepherds the good news, which was quite a lot to remember when I was in kindergarten. In the following years, I played nearly every other role in dozens of Christmas pageants.
For many people, Christmas is one of the few times a year that they go to church. At this point, we all know the story, so why do people keep going back year after year? I can't say for sure, but I feel that there is more than just habit or guilt bringing people back into churches for Christmas. There is something about the story that compels us to go, to witness the miracle of a baby who came to save the world so long ago.
I think most people who know me wouldn't give a second thought to whether I am a Christian, but it is a question I have thought about a lot over the past year. I admit, it is much easier for me to say that I am a Quaker than that I am a Christian―the word has some serious baggage. But when it comes down to it, a living Christ is at the center of my beliefs. For me, being Quaker means being Christian, and living as a Quaker is how I have been able to find my way back to being Christian.
I think the question for me now is, how can I engage with my Christianity and live in a way that demonstrates my commitment to a Christ-centered life? If I cede the Christian label to people I disagree with, what am I losing in the process? If I am open and share my beliefs, what good can I do?
I have also been struggling with questions of equality and sameness. I fervently believe in equality, but I do not believe that being equal means that we all have equal gifts and abilities. I worry that Friends sometimes pretend like we are all the same to avoid an appearance of inequality, but we should not. Our communities will benefit if we choose to celebrate our differences and use our individual talents to their full potential.
I feel similarly about celebrating Christmas. It is true that every day is sacred, but why should we pretend that Christmas day is exactly the same as every other day? Instead, I choose to celebrate it as a day of joy and love, and a reminder of Christ on earth and Christ with us. My hope is that this bright day in the middle of winter will help sustain us through these long, cold months so that we can all celebrate together again in the spring.
On the way home from the airport, mom and I stopped by my parents' church to pick up my dad and sister Rachel. They had spent the evening at the church helping needy families pick out food and Christmas presents. Spending time at my parents' evangelical church always makes me think of how different it is from my Quaker meetings. After we left, I told my parents that a Friend had asked me whether my parents were upset that I had become a Quaker. Mom said, "I really don't care what you are, as long as it is Christian!"
I didn't say anything, but all I could think about were all of the discussions I have heard lately about whether Quakers are Christians. As far as I can tell, the answer seems to be, "it depends."
I have always loved Christmas. I love taking time off to spend with family and friends, sharing good meals, singing Christmas carols, and the excitement in the air. But this year I felt more aware of the tensions that many Quakers feel about celebrating Christmas, and that has made me a little sad.
For many liberal Friends, there seem to be two options: ignore Christmas altogether or just accept that it is a secular, commercial holiday and let the kids have their fun. I am not ready to accept either of these positions.
Christmas in my parents' house has always been a deeply religious holiday. I never believed in Santa, and that never particularly bothered me. I participated in Christmas pageants long before I could follow the Christmas story, beginning with my starring role as the Christ child at two months. The first spoken lines I had in a play were as the angel telling the shepherds the good news, which was quite a lot to remember when I was in kindergarten. In the following years, I played nearly every other role in dozens of Christmas pageants.
For many people, Christmas is one of the few times a year that they go to church. At this point, we all know the story, so why do people keep going back year after year? I can't say for sure, but I feel that there is more than just habit or guilt bringing people back into churches for Christmas. There is something about the story that compels us to go, to witness the miracle of a baby who came to save the world so long ago.
I think most people who know me wouldn't give a second thought to whether I am a Christian, but it is a question I have thought about a lot over the past year. I admit, it is much easier for me to say that I am a Quaker than that I am a Christian―the word has some serious baggage. But when it comes down to it, a living Christ is at the center of my beliefs. For me, being Quaker means being Christian, and living as a Quaker is how I have been able to find my way back to being Christian.
I think the question for me now is, how can I engage with my Christianity and live in a way that demonstrates my commitment to a Christ-centered life? If I cede the Christian label to people I disagree with, what am I losing in the process? If I am open and share my beliefs, what good can I do?
I have also been struggling with questions of equality and sameness. I fervently believe in equality, but I do not believe that being equal means that we all have equal gifts and abilities. I worry that Friends sometimes pretend like we are all the same to avoid an appearance of inequality, but we should not. Our communities will benefit if we choose to celebrate our differences and use our individual talents to their full potential.
I feel similarly about celebrating Christmas. It is true that every day is sacred, but why should we pretend that Christmas day is exactly the same as every other day? Instead, I choose to celebrate it as a day of joy and love, and a reminder of Christ on earth and Christ with us. My hope is that this bright day in the middle of winter will help sustain us through these long, cold months so that we can all celebrate together again in the spring.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Somebody to Love
I just finished reading Song of Songs and it almost made me wish I wasn't single. I really don't buy the explanation that this book is all about Christ's love for the church. This is a story about two people who are crazy about each other and some of the verses made me think, "hey, I'd like someone to feel that way about me!"
Being single is still kind of a novelty for me. I was in one relationship or another virtually continuously from the age of 14 to 25. My most recent relationship lasted for about six years and we both really thought that was it. We talked about marriage, children, real estate, you name it.
Then, right around the time I moved to Seattle, it all fell apart. It wasn't anyone's fault and we both felt really bad about it, but it just wasn't working anymore. I was devastated, but I was also studying for the bar exam, so I alternated between being devastated and being really studious, sometimes by the hour.
After some time had passed, I discovered that I really like being single. I have so much time to do things I want to do! And when I make plans, I really only have to think about myself. I tried casual dating for a while, but I hate small talk and I found that I was just having meals with very nice guys that I didn't care about, so I stopped.
I think my mother is about to despair at the prospect of ever having grandchildren. Whenever this comes up, I remind her that considering she had four children, it is bound to happen sooner or later. And I do want to get married and have children, eventually.
Over the summer, I had a moment of inspiration about the kind of husband that I would like to eventually have. Here is what I wrote in my journal about it:
Being single is still kind of a novelty for me. I was in one relationship or another virtually continuously from the age of 14 to 25. My most recent relationship lasted for about six years and we both really thought that was it. We talked about marriage, children, real estate, you name it.
Then, right around the time I moved to Seattle, it all fell apart. It wasn't anyone's fault and we both felt really bad about it, but it just wasn't working anymore. I was devastated, but I was also studying for the bar exam, so I alternated between being devastated and being really studious, sometimes by the hour.
After some time had passed, I discovered that I really like being single. I have so much time to do things I want to do! And when I make plans, I really only have to think about myself. I tried casual dating for a while, but I hate small talk and I found that I was just having meals with very nice guys that I didn't care about, so I stopped.
I think my mother is about to despair at the prospect of ever having grandchildren. Whenever this comes up, I remind her that considering she had four children, it is bound to happen sooner or later. And I do want to get married and have children, eventually.
Over the summer, I had a moment of inspiration about the kind of husband that I would like to eventually have. Here is what I wrote in my journal about it:
An ideal husband: A man who is creative and kind. He is cute, but not cocky, and he thinks I am beautiful. He is not afraid of talking about faith and he seeks God. He wants to have a family and is committed to raising children with clear values and a sense of social responsibility. He has a great sense of humor and sees the irony in everyday life. He inspires me to be the best version of myself and sees clearly which choices are right for me, even when I don't see them myself. He loves the arts and good food and enjoys cooking with me. He likes to sing. He is good at managing money and helps us to live within our means. He comes from a large family and gets along with his relatives. He is as smart as me, but in a different and complementary way. He has interests that he is passionate about and a career that gives him time to pursue those interests. He loves me and is excited about spending time with me.I believe that he is out there and that someday I will find him. This does not mean that I am looking or want you to start setting me up (you know who you are!). For now, I have plenty to do and I am willing to wait until the right person comes along.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Give Peace a Chance
My brother James and my sister Lael are both off on adventures, travelling through the United States. I can't say I'm not jealous, but it is fun to live vicariously through their stories and pictures. This picture of James's latest stop made me laugh. He looks like such a flower child and his hair is very impressive.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Joy to the World
When I was in Anchorage over the summer, my sister Rachel asked me which fruit of the spirit I was working on. Without even having to think about it, I responded, "Joy." For a few years, I was actively working on peace―trying to figure out what I think peace means, and what it would look like to have real peace instead of just avoiding conflicts. I don't know that I really answered either of those questions, but now I am asking them about joy.
A couple months ago, I listened to a Joyce Meyer podcast about the fruit of the spirit that really caught my attention. She said that whatever you pray for, that's what will be tested. She was specifically talking about patience, but I knew as soon as I heard her that this would apply to any of them. Since I had already been praying for joy for a few months by then, I was a little worried about what testing my joy might look like.
Turns out, it looks like pneumonia, financial crises (both in the country and personal), political scandal in my home state, a frustrating job search, and a lot of feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm not saying that my prayers are somehow responsible for all of those things, but it has been a little difficult to work on joy in the midst of them.
And yet, there is joy. I have been grateful for so many things this week. The retreat at University Friends Meeting on Saturday went so much better than I could ever have hoped, and I can feel the excitement in the air there about the Year of Discernment.
Last night, I met with my clearness committee again and I am having trouble finding words to describe how wonderful that was. At one point during the clearness committee, a Friend suggested that an experience I had was an example of way opening. As soon as she said it, I had the indescribable feeling that I get when way opens, and I feel led to the next clear step. It was so helpful to be reminded of that feeling because I feel like so much of what I have been doing lately has been because I feel like I have to, not because I feel led.
I am also grateful that I got a chance to talk to Alivia last night. I have been sorely missing music in my life lately, and I was excited to tell her that I am planning on joining a Christmas choir. When I told her, she said that it was good for me to get some music back into the mix, but asked what was I planning on giving up. I knew immediately what needed to go, a committee that has felt wrong for me from the beginning. This morning, I sent an email explaining that I did not feel called to that particular ministry at this time. It felt very good.
I know that the fruit of the spirit is not something that I can force. But I believe that if I am faithful and follow where God leads me, the fruit of the spirit will come. I am also working on letting go of things, including my ideas of what I should be doing. For now, Cat Stevens speaks to my condition:
I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never
I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never
A couple months ago, I listened to a Joyce Meyer podcast about the fruit of the spirit that really caught my attention. She said that whatever you pray for, that's what will be tested. She was specifically talking about patience, but I knew as soon as I heard her that this would apply to any of them. Since I had already been praying for joy for a few months by then, I was a little worried about what testing my joy might look like.
Turns out, it looks like pneumonia, financial crises (both in the country and personal), political scandal in my home state, a frustrating job search, and a lot of feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm not saying that my prayers are somehow responsible for all of those things, but it has been a little difficult to work on joy in the midst of them.
And yet, there is joy. I have been grateful for so many things this week. The retreat at University Friends Meeting on Saturday went so much better than I could ever have hoped, and I can feel the excitement in the air there about the Year of Discernment.
Last night, I met with my clearness committee again and I am having trouble finding words to describe how wonderful that was. At one point during the clearness committee, a Friend suggested that an experience I had was an example of way opening. As soon as she said it, I had the indescribable feeling that I get when way opens, and I feel led to the next clear step. It was so helpful to be reminded of that feeling because I feel like so much of what I have been doing lately has been because I feel like I have to, not because I feel led.
I am also grateful that I got a chance to talk to Alivia last night. I have been sorely missing music in my life lately, and I was excited to tell her that I am planning on joining a Christmas choir. When I told her, she said that it was good for me to get some music back into the mix, but asked what was I planning on giving up. I knew immediately what needed to go, a committee that has felt wrong for me from the beginning. This morning, I sent an email explaining that I did not feel called to that particular ministry at this time. It felt very good.
I know that the fruit of the spirit is not something that I can force. But I believe that if I am faithful and follow where God leads me, the fruit of the spirit will come. I am also working on letting go of things, including my ideas of what I should be doing. For now, Cat Stevens speaks to my condition:
I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never
I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Visual Interest
I recently had a birthday and my parents gave me a digital camera! When I called to thank them, my Mom said, "Now you can put some pictures on your blog!" So I will.
I have been blessed with many visitors in the past few weeks. Two weeks ago, my friend Kirsten came to stay for the night. We skipped meeting and went wedding dress shopping instead. Unfortunately, I took all of the wedding dress pictures on her camera, so I don't have any to share. I can say that she looked beautiful in all of them.
Last weekend, my friend Andrea came to visit from the Bay Area. She works for a non-profit that created a documentary about public health. One of the featured areas was the High Point Neighborhood in Seattle, so we took the bus over to check it out.
Then my Mom came for a visit this weekend! We had a great time going to see Spring Awakening and going out to eat. Yesterday, we visited Snoqualmie Falls. It was beautiful and we had a lot of fun walking around.
Today, we met up with my friends Emily and Myles for breakfast. It is always great to see Emily and Myles and I wish we could see each other more often, but they are pretty busy with this little guy!
And because Emily, Myles, and Mom came to University Friends Meeting today, I got to show off our new sign.
Thank you to everyone who came to visit. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life!
I have been blessed with many visitors in the past few weeks. Two weeks ago, my friend Kirsten came to stay for the night. We skipped meeting and went wedding dress shopping instead. Unfortunately, I took all of the wedding dress pictures on her camera, so I don't have any to share. I can say that she looked beautiful in all of them.
Last weekend, my friend Andrea came to visit from the Bay Area. She works for a non-profit that created a documentary about public health. One of the featured areas was the High Point Neighborhood in Seattle, so we took the bus over to check it out.
Then my Mom came for a visit this weekend! We had a great time going to see Spring Awakening and going out to eat. Yesterday, we visited Snoqualmie Falls. It was beautiful and we had a lot of fun walking around.
Today, we met up with my friends Emily and Myles for breakfast. It is always great to see Emily and Myles and I wish we could see each other more often, but they are pretty busy with this little guy!
And because Emily, Myles, and Mom came to University Friends Meeting today, I got to show off our new sign.
Thank you to everyone who came to visit. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Connected Friends
First, happy birthday, Dad! I hear 60 is the new . . . something. Anyway, I hope you had a great day!
I have always wanted to be in a book club, and now I kind of am. Quaker Buddy* and I have started reading A Description of the Qualifications Necessary to a Gospel Minister, by Samuel Bownas and having long-distance conversations about it each week. When I told my Mom the name of the book, she groaned and suggested that we pick something a little lighter. Despite the very long title, the book is only 104 pages and, at two chapters a week, it is really not a lot of reading.
We have "met" twice now, and I have been amazed by how much we both have to say. Many of the themes Bownas discusses have been important in our lives lately, including what it means to be a minister, the purposes of traveling in the ministry, and how to discern a true leading.
By "gospel minister," Bownas means vocal minister. The other day, QB and I discussed whether we would identify as vocal ministers. Neither of us speaks in meeting very often, but we both do at times, and I think we each could have easily said yes or no.
QB decided that if asked, she would say that she considers herself a vocal minister because she has had the experience of being led to speak, and would be able to articulate that experience. I said that I would say no for similar reasons: I have had profound experiences in meetings when I did not feel led to vocal ministry and I could talk about the ways in which silent members participate.
After our conversation, I started thinking about how sometimes when I post, I have an experience similar to how I feel when I give vocal ministry―I feel strongly led. Even so, I have a hard time thinking of my blogging as a ministry.
The next topic for the Adult Religious Education class at University Friends Meeting is "Being a Connected Friend," and the discussion will be about how Friends use the internet to connect and interact, locally, regionally, and nationally. In keeping with my renewed commitment not to take on any more, I am not speaking. I am interested in the topic, though, and I think two of the queries for discussion are particularly good:
*QB asked to remain anonymous and we agreed that "Quaker Buddy" is funnier than "Spiritual Friend," but with the same basic idea.
I have always wanted to be in a book club, and now I kind of am. Quaker Buddy* and I have started reading A Description of the Qualifications Necessary to a Gospel Minister, by Samuel Bownas and having long-distance conversations about it each week. When I told my Mom the name of the book, she groaned and suggested that we pick something a little lighter. Despite the very long title, the book is only 104 pages and, at two chapters a week, it is really not a lot of reading.
We have "met" twice now, and I have been amazed by how much we both have to say. Many of the themes Bownas discusses have been important in our lives lately, including what it means to be a minister, the purposes of traveling in the ministry, and how to discern a true leading.
By "gospel minister," Bownas means vocal minister. The other day, QB and I discussed whether we would identify as vocal ministers. Neither of us speaks in meeting very often, but we both do at times, and I think we each could have easily said yes or no.
QB decided that if asked, she would say that she considers herself a vocal minister because she has had the experience of being led to speak, and would be able to articulate that experience. I said that I would say no for similar reasons: I have had profound experiences in meetings when I did not feel led to vocal ministry and I could talk about the ways in which silent members participate.
After our conversation, I started thinking about how sometimes when I post, I have an experience similar to how I feel when I give vocal ministry―I feel strongly led. Even so, I have a hard time thinking of my blogging as a ministry.
The next topic for the Adult Religious Education class at University Friends Meeting is "Being a Connected Friend," and the discussion will be about how Friends use the internet to connect and interact, locally, regionally, and nationally. In keeping with my renewed commitment not to take on any more, I am not speaking. I am interested in the topic, though, and I think two of the queries for discussion are particularly good:
- Can you find real Quaker community on the internet?
- Can blogs actually help you center into the Light?
*QB asked to remain anonymous and we agreed that "Quaker Buddy" is funnier than "Spiritual Friend," but with the same basic idea.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Busy Life, Idle Blog
A short post to explain why I probably won't be writing so much this week. There is a lot going on around here! My roommate got back from his summer travels on Saturday. Though he did accidentally lock me out of the house yesterday, he has more than made up for it with his newfound love of baking bread!
Then my brother James arrived yesterday. He is here for the week before setting off on a tour of the U.S. Did you know that Amtrak sells month passes? It is fun to spend time with James and he treated me to a lovely Indian dinner tonight. I think maybe it's a good idea to have so many boys around, they seem to feed me!
Good news on the job search. I was just settling down after getting all of my applications done when I found out that I have an interview next Tuesday! It's only a first-round interview, but I am excited about it. And if this doesn't work out, I still have year to find something else . . .
Finally, I have my first volunteer shift serving breakfast at ROOTS tomorrow. I went to training ages ago, but I had to wait until the beginning of the month to get on the schedule. Of course, this means that I have to get up pretty early, so I think I'd better head to bed.
Then my brother James arrived yesterday. He is here for the week before setting off on a tour of the U.S. Did you know that Amtrak sells month passes? It is fun to spend time with James and he treated me to a lovely Indian dinner tonight. I think maybe it's a good idea to have so many boys around, they seem to feed me!
Good news on the job search. I was just settling down after getting all of my applications done when I found out that I have an interview next Tuesday! It's only a first-round interview, but I am excited about it. And if this doesn't work out, I still have year to find something else . . .
Finally, I have my first volunteer shift serving breakfast at ROOTS tomorrow. I went to training ages ago, but I had to wait until the beginning of the month to get on the schedule. Of course, this means that I have to get up pretty early, so I think I'd better head to bed.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Time to Get Away
Now that it is finally starting to seem like summer in Seattle, I'm headed back up to Anchorage. I don't think it will be quite as warm there, but I am looking forward to a week of doing very little. So far, my plan include sleeping a lot, spending time with my family, reading, and running (I also heard a rumor that a screening of Mama Mia! might be in my immediate future).
Of course, no vacation would be complete without some Quaker networking, so I am going to try to finally make it to Anchorage Friends Meeting. I am also hoping to check out Anchorage Friends Church, but so far all I have been able to find is a disconnected number. I am hopeful that if I talk to enough Friends I might not be the only Alaskan at the next Quaker Women's Theology Conference, but I guess we'll have to see!
Of course, no vacation would be complete without some Quaker networking, so I am going to try to finally make it to Anchorage Friends Meeting. I am also hoping to check out Anchorage Friends Church, but so far all I have been able to find is a disconnected number. I am hopeful that if I talk to enough Friends I might not be the only Alaskan at the next Quaker Women's Theology Conference, but I guess we'll have to see!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Apology
My great-uncle just commented on my blog, asking me what I was getting out of revealing my inner thoughts to the world. Before I knew it, I had filled up an entire page of barely legible, hand-written notes. Apparently I get a lot out of it!
Probably the best part of having this blog is that I get to write. It may seem strange that I am so happy about this, considering that my job basically consists of writing all day, but writing here is completely different. It is one place where the writing is entirely my own, for better or worse. I am the only author and editor, I choose the topic, and I can play with language to my heart's content. I get the best and worst of writing―sometimes I am so inspired that I feel like all I have to do is put my hands on the keyboard and the ideas just flow through me, other days I have something I desperately want to say, but can't find the words. Writing for an immediate audience is scary, but exhilarating.
Another thing I get is relief. I tend to be in my head way too much. Here, I have a place to put all of my thoughts and ideas and try to make sense of them. When I write something, I know whether it is true―otherwise it just won't write. Even when something seems bad or strange or overwhelming, I feel better after I have written it out.
It also gives me a way to let friends and family know what is happening in my life. I recently had a conversation with a friend I hadn't spoken to in months and asked whether I had told her that I moved. She said, "Oh yeah, I read about it on your blog!" I had no idea she even knew about my blog. By writing posts and reading friends' blogs and comments, I feel more connected to people I care about, even if they are far away.
Writing regularly changes the way I see things. I feel like I am more aware of what is going on around me and I keep an eye open for new things that I can learn about and incorporate into my writing. Thinking in terms of themes and topics helps me see connections between areas in my life that I probably would not notice otherwise. It also provides a forum to write about things that interest me, whether it is books, music, podcasts, pictures, news, or stories.
When I first started writing this blog, I was ambivalent at best. I thought maybe writing about my faith would mean that I wouldn't have to talk about it as much―I could just point people here if they had questions. The opposite has proven to be true. The more I write about my faith, the more I end up talking about it. Even more surprising, I don't mind. Who knew I had so much to say?
Probably the best part of having this blog is that I get to write. It may seem strange that I am so happy about this, considering that my job basically consists of writing all day, but writing here is completely different. It is one place where the writing is entirely my own, for better or worse. I am the only author and editor, I choose the topic, and I can play with language to my heart's content. I get the best and worst of writing―sometimes I am so inspired that I feel like all I have to do is put my hands on the keyboard and the ideas just flow through me, other days I have something I desperately want to say, but can't find the words. Writing for an immediate audience is scary, but exhilarating.
Another thing I get is relief. I tend to be in my head way too much. Here, I have a place to put all of my thoughts and ideas and try to make sense of them. When I write something, I know whether it is true―otherwise it just won't write. Even when something seems bad or strange or overwhelming, I feel better after I have written it out.
It also gives me a way to let friends and family know what is happening in my life. I recently had a conversation with a friend I hadn't spoken to in months and asked whether I had told her that I moved. She said, "Oh yeah, I read about it on your blog!" I had no idea she even knew about my blog. By writing posts and reading friends' blogs and comments, I feel more connected to people I care about, even if they are far away.
Writing regularly changes the way I see things. I feel like I am more aware of what is going on around me and I keep an eye open for new things that I can learn about and incorporate into my writing. Thinking in terms of themes and topics helps me see connections between areas in my life that I probably would not notice otherwise. It also provides a forum to write about things that interest me, whether it is books, music, podcasts, pictures, news, or stories.
When I first started writing this blog, I was ambivalent at best. I thought maybe writing about my faith would mean that I wouldn't have to talk about it as much―I could just point people here if they had questions. The opposite has proven to be true. The more I write about my faith, the more I end up talking about it. Even more surprising, I don't mind. Who knew I had so much to say?
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