Recorded Minister Report for 2015

My soul waits for the Lord
more than those who watch for the morning.
Psalm 130:6

Looking back over this year, it is helpful for me to separate it into three seasons.  In the spring, I finished my second year of Contextual Education through Candler—eight hours a week of being involved in the life of Atlanta Friends Meeting.  My main focus was on the meeting’s Gathered Meeting Retreat, which took place the last weekend of March.  The theme was “How Friends Worship.”  I was glad to have the opportunity to lead this retreat; it felt like a good use of my gifts.  I continued to facilitate monthly mid-week worship at Candler.  I also served on various committees at Atlanta Friends Meeting, including the Worship and Ministry committee, an anchoring committee, and clearness and wedding committees.  I finished my time as the chaplain of Sacred Worth (the LGBTQ Candler student group), and helped organize the Sacred Worth week on Trans*forming Christianity, where we celebrated the gifts of trans Christians.

Over the summer, I worked for ten weeks as the pastoral intern of First Friends Meeting, an FUM meeting in Greensboro, NC.  I was able to experience many aspects of pastoral ministry, including helping with four weddings, a memorial, and two baby blessings. I also

preached in programmed worship, worked in the office, went on pastoral visits, and organized Quaker Eights groups.  I was surprised by how much I enjoyed pastoral ministry, and how it brings together my gifts of vocal ministry, pastoral care, and administration.  It was also wonderful to connect with Friends from other meetings during my time in Greensboro.

In the fall, I returned to Atlanta for my final year at Candler.  Now that I have finished my Contextual Education obligations in the meeting, this has been a good time for me to discern what I feel called to do and what to let go.  I joined the Friends Journal Board of Trustees and traveled to Philadelphia for my first board meeting.  I took some interesting and challenging classes, including Ecclesiology, which gave me an opportunity to think about Friends’ practices and structures, and a class on Religion, Sexuality, and Reproductive Health, which was cross-listed with Emory’s school of public health.  I experienced a lot of changes in my life: I started a new relationship, had to leave my apartment, and I got a car.  The changes have been mostly very good, but I am still adjusting.

Letting things go has continued to be a good spiritual practice for me.  I withdrew from a class this year for the first time in my academic career, and I am not planning on taking the second semester of Hebrew; instead, I plan to focus on my thesis.  My support network is

good: I meet monthly with a spiritual director and am part of a spiritual nurture group that

meets twice a month.  I met regularly with members of my anchoring committee in the spring, but have not been as consistent this past fall.  I have found self-care practices that work for me, including exercise, drawing and coloring mandalas, and singing in choirs, and I have recently started playing more board games.

Looking ahead, the biggest thing on the horizon is graduation in May.  I am actively seeking employment for after graduation.  In December, I spent a weekend interviewing and preaching for a semi-programmed FUM meeting that is looking for a full-time pastor.  The search committee and I are in discernment, and I should know more in January.  I feel like my classes this semester are preparing me for pastoral ministry: I am taking classes on Conflict Transformation, Preaching, and a practica on Weddings, Funerals, and Confirmation.  I am trying to be open and embrace the new things ahead in the coming year.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Mid-Year Report

[To the May business meeting of Freedom Friends Church]

People say that the second year of seminary is the hardest. Academically, this year was not as challenging as I expected, but it has been emotionally difficult. Many things in the culture had an impact on people in my program, including the Black Lives Matter movement responding to white privilege and police violence, and especially the scheduling and delay of Kelly Gissendaner’s execution (an inmate at Lee Arrendale State Prison, where I worked as a chaplain intern last year). I also withdrew from a class for the first time ever, because the professor was a bully and I felt like I wasn’t learning anything. 

I feel like an outsider here in a number of ways. It has been challenging for me to be the only Quaker at Candler, where I am frequently called on to educate people about the Religious Society of Friends and to represent Friends. In the Pacific Northwest, my politics seem pretty moderate; here, people consider me extremely liberal. I miss the diversity of Friends in the Pacific Northwest and the ways Convergent Friends interact and worship together. 

I finished my contextual education at Atlanta Friends Meeting this spring. My main focus this past semester was on the meeting’s Gathered Meeting Retreat, which took place the last weekend of March. The theme was “How Friends Worship.” Over the weekend, we tried various prayer practices, talked about the language we use for the divine, and shared about our experiences in unprogrammed worship. On Sunday morning, we had semi-programmed worship, Bible reading in the manner of Ohio Yearly Meeting Conservative Friends, and unprogrammed worship. I was glad to have the opportunity to lead this retreat; it felt like a good use of my gifts. 

One of the purposes of seminary is to make students confront their own issues and unhealthy patterns. Over the winter, I began seeing a new therapist who has both an MDiv and a Ph.D from Emory---a good fit for me right now. She and I did good work together, particularly around anxiety, sexuality, and attachment. I have continued to see my spiritual director monthly, and a third person joined my anchoring committee. I have a strong support system, which is reassuring for me. 

Looking ahead to next year, there are a number of things I am excited about. I agreed to serve on the board of trustees for Friends Journal, and decided to step down from the Sacred Worth executive board to make time for that new commitment. My MDiv thesis proposal was approved: I will be writing about how women ministers’ bodies are seen as both threatening and threatened. I also will be participating in Candler Advantage, which will provide me with an $8,000 grant and three credits for spending the summer working at First Friends Meeting in Greensboro, NC. I am excited to spend time in a programmed, FUM meeting, and I am looking forward to preaching and gaining experience in pastoral care and administration there. 

In some ways, it is hard to believe that I am two-thirds of my way through seminary, though in other ways it has felt very long. I am starting to think more about what I want to do after I am finished with school here, and hoping to find a place and a job where I can settle for a while. Thank you for your love and support.

Kelly On My Mind

I met Kelly Gissendaner a year and a half ago, when I was on a tour of Lee Arrendale State Prison.  As part of our contextual education at Candler School of Theology, a group of my classmates and I would be spending four hours a week at Lee Arrendale as chaplain interns.  We were touring the prison before receiving our specific assignments.

Kelly greeted us with a smile.  As the only woman on death row, she was isolated from other prisoners, and she enjoyed having visitors.  She showed us the baby blankets she had been crocheting to donate outside the prison, and she was excited that the prison administration was going to allow her to have knitting needles, so she could relearn how to knit.

I was assigned to a different part of the prison, so I didn't see Kelly again, but I would hear about her.  How her favorite theologian is Jürgen Moltmann, and they are pen pals.  How Moltmann came when she earned her certificate from the Theological Studies Program in prison.  How she encouraged other inmates and challenged my classmates with her theological insights.

Last month, I ran into Chaplain Bishop, my supervisor in the prison.  She asked me, with tears in her eyes, to pray for Ms. Kelly.  Her clemency hearing before the Board of Parole was coming up, and if they denied clemency, she would be executed.  My classmates and I prayed.  People wrote letters and testified on Kelly's behalf at the hearing.  We held vigils and waited for news.

When the news came that the board had denied clemency, it was shocking.  People at Candler were devastated, and I can only imagine how those at Lee Arrendale felt.  Kelly was scheduled to be executed last Wednesday, but due to bad weather, her execution has been postponed until Monday.

I don't know Kelly well, but I know Lee Arrendale.  I know the fences with barbed wire and the locked gates.  I know how the buildings and the inmates' uniforms blend together, until it seems like the entire world is a monotonous sea of khaki.  I have sat with women as they grieved over the deaths of family members, worried about their children and grandchildren, and counted the days until they could leave.

Some studies have shown that over 80 percent of women in prison have experienced physical or sexual abuse before being incarcerated.  Unfortunately, Kelly is included in that number.  These women do not need the state to add to their experience of trauma and violence.  They need people to hear their stories, see them, and know who they are.

I do not want Kelly to be a martyr.  I do not want her to be a rallying point for a political cause.  I just want them not to kill her.



More information about Kelly Gissendaner

New York Times, A Death Row Inmate Finds Common Ground with Theologians

Huffington Post, Meeting Kelly Gissendaner and When Is Grace Enough?

Kelly Gissendaner's Clemency Application

The hashtag on Twitter and Facebook for Kelly is #kellyonmymind

Recorded Minister Report for 2014

“But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”  Jeremiah 29:7.

A lot of my ministry this year has been connected to Candler School of Theology, where I am halfway through the three-year M.Div. program.  I completed my second semester of contextual education working as a chaplain intern at Lee Arrendale State Prison in the spring semester.  It was good and challenging work.  A highlight for me was leading music at a Good Friday service with two of the women in prison. 

I am doing my second year of contextual education in Atlanta Friends Meeting.  I spend eight hours a week focusing on five areas of ministry: administration, liturgy (worship and preaching), mission and outreach, pastoral calling and congregational care, and teaching.  These categories do not always fit exactly in the context of an unprogrammed Friends meeting, but I have been able to find ways to engage with the meeting in each area.  For example, I am on the Ministry and Worship committee, I started a monthly meeting for worship at Candler, and I facilitated a panel on sexuality and Quaker identity.  I have also enjoyed providing pastoral care for some of the youngest Friends in the meeting.

At school, I am serving as the chaplain of Sacred Worth (Candler’s student group for LGBTQ students and allies).  As chaplain, I am on the executive board and I hold office hours and have a confidential email.  I enjoy meeting with people and helping to build this community within Candler.  In the fall semester, I was a discussion leader for Early Church History, which felt like another opportunity to provide pastoral care for seminary students.

As the only Quaker at Candler I find myself representing Friends often.  In the past year, I have taken a number of classes that have helped me discern my direction in ministry and have given me tools for the work ahead, including Nonprofit Leadership and Management, Sexuality in the Bible, and Discernment for a Sustained Life of Ministry.  I especially enjoyed my Preaching in a Secular Age class this past fall, where I was able to give a message out of open worship in the manner of Friends, working with an elder.

I also had the opportunity to travel quite a bit this year.  In February, I spent a long weekend in Philadelphia observing a Friends Journal board meeting.  While I was there, I got to spend time with several Friends and Jon W interviewed me for the QuakerSpeak project (I was featured in the QuakerSpeak video “Quakers and Women in Ministry” and a Friends Journal video on my recording process).  In April, I gave the Friday night message for Friends World Committee for Consultation’s Living Waters Consultation in High Point, NC.  It was a joy to work with Deborah S as my elder and I felt very supported and welcomed by Friends there.

I spent the summer living with my parents in Anchorage, working at a law firm.  It was great to be able to spend time with my family there, especially my nieces and nephew and grandparents.  In June, I visited Washington and Oregon for a few weeks, and was able to see many f/Friends and family.  At the end of the trip, I went to the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference, where I led a workshop on prayer.  Later in the summer, I visited Friends in Fairbanks and worshiped with Chena Ridge Friends Meeting.  I also worshiped with Anchorage Friends Meeting.  On my way back to Atlanta in August, I visited family in Oakland.  In October, I visited Friends in Nashville and attended North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative) Interim Body Meeting.  Although it was wonderful to see friends and family in all of these places, I was aware that, no matter where I go, I will be far from people I love.

I published an article in the March issue of Friends Journal called “Sending Forth: The Importance of Financial Support in Ministry.”  I have also continued posting on my blog, though most of my writing this year has been for class assignments.

My self-care this year has been good.  I see a spiritual director and a therapist regularly, and I have an anchoring committee through Atlanta Friends Meeting that is currently serving as my site supervisors for contextual education.  Over spring break, I went on a silent retreat at Green Bough House of Prayer.  One of my favorite things this year has been monthly gatherings for Atlanta Beer and Hymns (recently featured on Fox News!).  I have continued spiritual practices of prayer, reading the Bible, and exercise, and added drawing and coloring mandalas.

Looking ahead, I am planning to lead the Atlanta Friends Meeting Gathered Meeting Retreat in March.  I also hope to spend the summer in Greensboro, NC, as an intern with First Friends Meeting.  I am aware that I have been moving a lot and I am often on the edges of various groups, and I am feeling ready to find a place to settle for a while after I finish school.  I am grateful to Friends at Freedom Friends Church and Atlanta Friends Meeting for your support for my ministry, as well as the support and prayers I receive from so many others.

Sexuality and Quaker Identity

For my project for my Sexuality in the Bible class, I facilitated a panel at Atlanta Friends Meeting after meeting for worship on November 30, 2014. The format was to have three Friends on the panel share for 10-15 minutes each about how their sexuality (defined broadly to include sexual orientation, gender identity, marital status, and anything else that seemed relevant) has impacted their faith life and their Quaker identity. After the panel, I invited the rest of the people in the room to join the conversation in worship sharing: speaking out of the silence from their own experience in response to the query, “How has your sexuality impacted your Quaker identity?”

I initially hoped to have the forum on the last Sunday in October, but there was another event scheduled for that time. It was a little challenging to find people for the panel on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but I eventually found three people who were willing: “Anna,” a gender-nonconforming woman in her early 20s who identifies as queer, “Bruce,” a gay man in his late 50s, and “Mia,” a lesbian woman in her early 50s. I did not intend to have only queer-identified people on the panel (I had hoped to have at least one straight person!), but those were the people I found who were willing to participate. There were 22 people present for the panel, ranging in age from 20s to 70s, queer and straight, some married and some not. I invited the teens in the meeting, but none of them decided to come.

Anna spoke first. She grew up as a Quaker and spent several years questioning her sexual orientation and gender identity. She came out as queer in college, and her family and faith community were supportive. She is still questioning her gender identity, but is comfortable with female pronouns and with calling herself a gender-nonconforming woman. Anna said that she was glad to have grown up among Friends, who allowed her to be whoever she was. She was active in the gay/straight alliance in her high school and appreciated all of the support that Quakers offered to LGBT teens. She thinks it was helpful for her as she questioned her own identity, even though she had not yet come out. She feels that her identity as a Quaker is more central for her than her identity as queer or gender-nonconforming, and that has given her something to hold on to even as she questioned other parts of her identity. She also feels like her questions about identity have led her to what she wants to do with her life. She plans to apply to graduate school next year and would like to focus on the intersection of identity and environmental studies, particularly looking at individuals’ narratives.

Bruce spoke next. He talked about how grateful he is that he can now have easy conversations with family members about his partner, in part because his parents have passed away. His father was very conservative and left the Episcopal church over the ordination of women. Bruce was always very politically liberal, and he thinks the fights that he had with his father about politics were really a front for the conversation they did not have about Bruce’s sexual orientation. Bruce knew from a young age that he was attracted to men, but he prayed that God would take those feelings away. He laughed that God always answers prayer, but not always in the way that you want! Bruce said that, even ten years ago, he would have changed that part of himself, but now he sees it as an opportunity for ministry. He has experienced feeling like an outsider, which made him more compassionate, and he is able to share with others about his sexual orientation. Bruce told us how he sat on a nine-hour flight next to a Mormon man who had never met an openly gay man. A week later, the Mormon man sent him a copy of the Book of Mormon with a note saying that their conversation had given him a lot to think about. Bruce felt like it was an opportunity for both of them to learn.

Mia spoke last, and she began with an explanation of how she uses the word “God.” She struggles with saying “God” because it seems male and white to her, but she still uses it because everyone knows what it means. She is not sure whether she believes in God, but she does believe in that of God in everyone. That is the basis for her understanding of sexuality. It is a recognition of that of God in everyone, and sex is a meeting of that Spirit in two people. She feels like her identity as a lesbian and a woman are much less important than her identity as a Friend. Mia is involved with the high school program at the meeting and has taught First Day School in the past. She tries to bring this sense of identity to her teaching and help her students recognize that of God in everyone they meet.

When I opened up the discussion for worship sharing, several Friends spoke. One woman quoted Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your spirit.” She said that, as a straight woman, she had mostly conformed to the expectations of her culture, but having a friend who struggled with her lesbian identity to the point of being suicidal helped open her eyes to the diversity of sexual identities and the pain that the society cause to those who did not conform. Another woman talked about how she grew up during the sexual revolution, when it seemed like everything was permissible, but her experience was that a lot of people got hurt through sexual encounters, emotionally or physically (particularly during the AIDS epidemic). What she took away from that experience was that sex was a powerful thing that must be engaged in carefully.

A theme in the sharing was how to talk about sex and sexuality with the children in the community in an age-appropriate way. There was a desire to do so, but some questions about how. I shared that, having grown up in purity culture, I know that a lot of girls do not learn that sex should be pleasurable. I said that I hope the meeting can talk about how sex is a powerful thing, but also a source of pleasure, joy, and connection. One woman reflected how glad she was that two of the people on the panel had come out in environments that were supportive of their sexual orientations. She expressed the hope that the meeting could be a place for children to be who they are, LGBT or straight, and be supported as they question, evolve, and grow.

I was very pleased with how the panel and conversation went, and I got a lot of good feedback from the panel members and those who attended the panel. After we concluded, people stayed to talk with each other about the topics that arose. I think that there will be ongoing conversations in the meeting about sexual identity and Quaker identity, and it seems like there may be more thought and work on a sexual education curriculum for children based on these conversations.

Pastoral Authority in Unprogrammed Friends

[As part of my second year in a Master of Divinity program at Candler School of Theology, I am required to spend eight hours a week in an ecclesial setting.  My site is Atlanta Friends Meeting, where I am a sojourning member.  This week, in the class connected with that site work, we were asked to interview our site mentor about his or her views on pastoral authority and leadership.  These are my reflections on our conversation.]

When I interviewed my site mentor, Paul B, about his understanding of pastoral authority and leadership, we agreed that it is a tricky question for unprogrammed Friends.  In my site, Atlanta Friends Meeting (AFM), there is no pastoral staff.  Paul stated that the pastoral nature of Quakerism is that the community cares for itself instead of having a designated pastor or minister to provide care.  Thus, every Friend has an obligation to support the community.

At AFM, we do have a committee that focuses on pastoral care, the Care and Counsel committee.  That committee is made up of people who choose to be on it and serve for a designated term.  The committee draws people who are gifted in pastoral care, but they are not the only people who provide pastoral care in the meeting.  One of the tensions in an unprogrammed meeting is how to hold (mostly) volunteers accountable.  Having people rotate off the committee after their term is one way to do that.

As we spoke, the primary metaphor that Paul used for pastoral care was the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27).  Christ is the head of our meeting and we are the body.  Within that body, people care for each other and provide care as needed.  Friends are resistant to the idea of authority, other than the authority that comes from the Holy Spirit, but we do recognize the need for leadership.

Three committees in AFM cover three of the roles that a pastor traditionally fills.  Care and Counsel provides pastoral care as described above.  The Ministry and Worship committee focuses on the worship within the meeting and attends to things like weddings, support for ministry, and applications for membership (I serve on the Ministry and Worship committee).  We also have a Social Concerns committee, which connects the meeting to the larger community context and does outreach.

Reflecting on this conversation, I agree that the body of Christ is a very good metaphor for pastoral care in a Friends meeting.  I also realized that my personal metaphor for ministry has been the story of Peter’s shadow falling on people and healing them (Acts 5:15).  In that story, if Peter’s shadow is behind him as he walks, he will never know whom he is healing.

I have been a public minister among Friends for over six years now, and in that time I have lived in four different cities.  Each time I moved, I felt like God was calling me to the next place, but it has been very hard for me.  I feel like I have been planting seeds in ministry, but I do not get to stay long enough to see how they grow or if they bear fruit.  I have to trust that God is working through me even as I move on.

Having a year to spend deeply involved in the life of the meeting at AFM feels like a gift.  My site mentors and I are still discerning what ministry will look like for me in this context, but I know that there are needs in the meeting and that I have gifts to bring.  I am also grateful that I will not be doing this work alone.  We have a well-developed committee structure with many people bringing their time, gifts, and skills to support this community of Friends.

A Date

[This semester, I am taking a class called Vocational Discernment for a Sustained Life of Ministry.  Our first assignment was to write a creative conversation in which we discuss our call to ministry with another person.  This is my paper.]

I have been going on a lot of dates lately and inevitably at some point during the date, the conversation turns to how I am in seminary and that I am a Quaker.  Here is an only slightly exaggerated version of how those conversations go.

DATE:  So, you’re in seminary.  Does that mean you want to be a minister?

ME:  Actually, I already am a minister.  I was recorded as a minister by my Quaker meeting last June.

DATE:  Recorded?  What does that mean?

ME:  Quakers do not have ordination―we believe that only God can ordain ministers.  Instead, Friends observe and record the gifts of ministry.  My meeting observed my gifts of minister over several years, then I went through a recording process, and the meeting recorded me as a minister in a special business meeting.

DATE:  I don’t really know much about Quakers.  How are they different from other denominations?

ME:  Quakers believe that everyone has direct access to God.  Instead of looking outside ourselves for guidance, we turn to the inward Christ, or the light of God that we believe is inside of each of us to guide us.

DATE:  If we all have God inside of us, why do Quakers need to get together in groups?  Can’t you just turn inward?

ME:  A couple reasons.  One is that we are not always good at discerning what is coming from God and what is coming from us.  Our Quaker meetings help us to tell the difference.  Also, we believe that God can speak to us through anyone, so during our meetings, we wait in silence to see if anyone will feel led by God to speak.

DATE:  Wait, do you hear God talking to you?

ME:  Yes, I believe I do.  I hear God in the things that other people say to me, and in the things they do without speaking.  I also hear God in messages in meeting, and in nudges that I feel throughout the day to do or not do something, or to hold someone in prayer.

DATE:  But have you ever heard God speak to you directly, with words?

ME:  Yes.  That doesn’t happen very often, but I have experienced it.

DATE:  Can you tell me about a time when it happened?

ME:  A good example is the story that I consider my call to ministry.

It was in 2008, at the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference.  I enjoyed the conference very much, but by the end of it, I felt exhausted and very ready to go home.  I had agreed to be co-clerk of the planning committee for the next conference, and I was feeling overwhelmed because I had never done anything like that before.

I was sitting in our final worship for the conference when I heard God say to me, “It’s not always going to be this easy.”

I said, “What?”  Of all the words I could think of to describe my experience at the conference, “easy” was not one of them.

God responded, “Yes, this is the easy part.  It is going to be a lot harder after this.  But I will be there too.”

DATE:  Wow.  That sounds intense.

ME:  It was.

DATE:  Has it been hard?

ME:  Yes, sometimes ministry has been very hard.  I tend to resist God―mostly out of fear―making it harder for myself.  But I have always had the sense that God is with me.

DATE:  I get the sense that for you, ministry means something different from being a pastor of a church.  Is that right?

ME:  Being a pastor is one form of ministry, but I do not feel called to pastoral ministry right now.  My ministry has taken lots of forms: I have done traveling ministry among different branches of Friends, I lead workshops and preach, and I do quite a bit of writing.  I try to stay open to what I feel God is calling me to do.

DATE:  But what about seminary?  Why go to seminary if you are already a minister?

ME:  One reason is that I carry a concern for supporting leaders in the Religious Society of Friends.  We don’t always do a good job of supporting leaders, and I wanted to go to a school that was clear in its support of leadership and bring what I learned there back to my denomination.  

I was also hoping that seminary would help me learn how to have a sustained life of ministry.  Burnout is far too common, and I would like to be able to do this for as long as I feel God is calling me.

DATE:  I know that you are also a lawyer.  Are you planning to continue practicing law?

ME:  I am doing some legal work while I am in seminary to help pay the bills, but I am hoping to transition to full-time ministry over the next few years.

DATE:  And you’re from Alaska?  Are you planning on going back there after you finish seminary?  Or back to Oregon?

ME:  Probably not.  I love the Pacific Northwest, but I will probably go wherever I find a job.

DATE:  It sounds like you are going through a lot of changes in your life right now!

ME:  Indeed.  How about you?  Let’s talk about you for a while!

Recorded Minister Report for 2013

“For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”  Matthew 18:20.

Shortly after Freedom Friends Church recorded my gifts of ministry in June 2013, I had a couple opportunities for public ministry.  On June 30 to July 6, I led a five-day workshop on Convergent Friends at the FGC Gathering, and I had the opportunity to preach at Camas Friends Church on July 28.  I also found I had many opportunities, both formal and informal, to use my gifts.  I clerked a conference call clearness committee for a Friend who was discerning how to leave her job, and I was approached by several (mostly young) Friends, online and in person, to talk about topics that have been important for me over the past several years, such as the gift of prophecy, being a woman in ministry, and how it feels to be led to give vocal ministry.  My primary focus during that time, however, was the transition from my life in Salem to beginning seminary in Atlanta.  It was a full, emotional, and surprisingly productive summer!

On August 19, the cats and I flew across the country to our new home in Atlanta.  Orientation at Candler School of Theology began two days later.  The transition was harder than I expected, and my experience at Candler so far has been decidedly mixed.  There are things that I love about studying at Candler: my classes are interesting, the professors are brilliant and entertaining, and my classmates are thoughtful and kind.  I am especially excited about getting to take practical classes such as Nonprofit Leadership and Management and Vocational Discernment for a Sustained Life of Ministry.  As part of my contextual education, I spend Mondays as a chaplain intern at a women’s prison located about an hour north of Atlanta; that is one of the highlights of my week.  I also enjoy singing in a choir for credit.

But in the first few weeks of my time at Candler, the administration decided to give an alumni award to Eddie Fox, a man who has been extremely vocal in the fight to prevent full equality for LGBT people in the United Methodist Church.  I ended up in tears in a meeting with the dean and other students and faculty, saying how hurt I felt by the decision to give this award and questioning whether, as an out bisexual, I was really welcome at Candler.  In response to this controversy, an alum wrote that she feels Candler is “welcoming but not affirming,” and I have to agree.  It was especially disappointing for me because that is not the way Candler presents itself in its promotional materials.  One positive outcome is that I quickly connected with the LGBT group at Candler (Sacred Worth), and I have felt very supported by the Emory Office of LGBT Life and other allies on campus.

Another source of support has been friends at Atlanta Friends Meeting.  It was easy to decide which Quaker meeting to attend in Atlanta because there is only one!  Atlanta Friends reminds me a lot of University Friends Meeting in Seattle, both in size and culture, and Friends there have been very welcoming.  I became a sojourning member in October and I anticipate joining a meeting committee soon.  I have also asked the meeting for a support committee.

In November, I had the opportunity to attend a School of the Spirit spiritual renewal weekend in Durham, NC.  I also got to spend the night before the retreat with Friends at Wings of Dawn Farm.  It was wonderful to see so many friends from my School of the Spirit class and others.  I found while I was there that the planned theme of the renewal weekend (on loss and failure) was not speaking to me, so I spent most of the weekend on a true retreat, taking time for quiet rest and reflection.  It was good for my soul and reminded me of my need to incorporate more times of retreat into my daily life.

I have continued to do some writing, though writing on my blog ebbs and flows as usual.  I published a piece on working with an elder in the Western Friend book An Inner Strength: Quakers and Leadership, which came out in July.  I have an upcoming article in Friends Journal on the importance of financial support for ministry.  I have also been doing a fair amount of writing for my seminary classes and expect to do more this semester.

I feel that my self-care during this time of transition has been good.  My course load last semester felt manageable and I did not do very much paid legal work.  I have been intentional about my spiritual practices: setting aside time in the morning for prayer, reading a chapter of the Bible each night, taking Saturday as a sabbath from schoolwork, and getting regular exercise.  I have begun meeting monthly with a spiritual director, and Aimee M and I have kept up a spiritual friendship, checking in with each other over the phone every few months.

Looking ahead, the biggest thing on the horizon is that I will be giving a plenary message at the FWCC Consultation in High Point, NC on April 11.  I am preparing the message in advance so it can be translated into Spanish for simultaneous interpretation.  I hope to spend next summer working in Salem, and I have offered to lead a workshop on prayer at the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference.  My New Year’s resolution this year is discernment for a sustained life of ministry, and I have already found several opportunities to practice discernment!

I am grateful to all of you at Freedom Friends Church for your love, prayers, and support, as well as for the gift of my recording this year.  I am holding you in prayer as you meet for yearly meeting, and I look forward to seeing you next summer.

Love,
Ashley

Prison Mondays

I used to have an office with a desk that overlooked some trees, where I would sit at my computer and do legal work.  This semester, I sometimes think my office is a corner in a prison hallway next to a trash can.  I stand there while an inmate sits on the lid of the trash can, telling me what is on her heart.

Prison is loud and chaotic.  The dorms where I work as an intern are L-shaped, with open shared rooms down one hall and a day room on the other hall.  The rooms each have four sets of bunk beds and the lights never completely turn off.  It is nearly impossible to find a place for private conversation.

Sometimes I sit in the day room, talking with women or waiting for them to come to me.  Other times, I sidle up to a woman as she is sitting on the trash can, one of the quieter places in the dorm.  I ask if she wants to talk or if she would rather be left alone.  The other chaplain interns and I have found that the women are more likely to talk with us if we stand next to them instead of in front of them.

The women tell me about their children and their grandchildren (the majority are mothers).  They worry about sick family members and pray for the day that they will be able to return home.  Once I stood next to a woman whose eyes filled with tears as she told me that she had been driving drunk and the passenger in her car was killed in an accident.  "Will his family ever forgive me?" she asked.  "Will the pain ever go away?"

It's not all hard and heavy.  The women and I laugh together and share stories.  They tell me about the day-to-day frustrations of being in prison, and I agree that it must be hard.  They ask me questions about esoteric Bible verses (Jude 1:9, anyone?) and show me pictures of their families.

The women want to know what I can do for them.  Can I get them a bar of soap, deliver a letter, help them get into a class?  I tell them that I am there to listen.  We can talk about God if they want, or we can pray together, but mostly I am just there to be with them.  Some days, that's enough.

A Week

I am halfway through my first semester of seminary, and I feel like I have finally settled into a routine.  Some days I am amazed by how different my life is than when I was working an 8-5 job.  I am enjoying myself very much, though.

Outside Cannon Chapel

Before I came to Candler School of Theology, many people warned me that seminary can be challenging for one's spiritual life, so I have been very intentional about my spiritual practices: setting aside at least 15 minutes in the morning for prayer and worship, reading a chapter of the Bible each night, giving thanks before meals, getting regular exercise, and blessing roadkill that I pass by on my bike.

My typical week looks pretty much like this:

First Day: Worship

On Sunday mornings, I have been worshiping with Atlanta Friends Meeting, a large, unprogrammed meeting in Decatur.  My friends Sadie and Chris live just a mile up the road from my apartment, so they usually give me a ride to meeting, which also gives us a chance to catch up.  Worship begins at 10am and lasts for an hour of silence and messages, with a few minutes at the end for holding people or other prayer requests in the Light.  After getting home from meeting, I often nap and then do any schoolwork I have left for the coming week.

Second Day: Prison

One of the unusual things about Candler is that the program includes two years of contextual education.  In our first year, all of the first-year M.Div. students spend four hours a week in social ministry or clinical settings.  On Mondays, I spend the day with eight of my classmates at Lee Arrendale State Prison, the largest women's prison in Georgia.

Chaplain Bishop (left) and the Candler chaplain interns

We meet up around 8am to take a van up to the prison, located about 66 miles northeast of Atlanta.  I have
been assigned to two dorms in the general population.  Two other chaplain interns and I spend about an hour and a half in each dorm, and we meet up with our other classmates for lunch and a 90-minute reflection class in the middle.

Working in the prison is one of the highlights of my week.  When I walk in the dorm, I never know what will happen.  Sometimes a woman will approach me immediately and I will spend most of my time with her.  Other days, I wait in the break room for women to come talk with me.  Most of the time I listen as they share their experiences and concerns, and we pray and talk together.

Third Day: Classes

Other than the reflection group at the prison, all of my classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  The day begins with History of Early Christian Thought (8-9:20am), a large lecture class where we are learning church history from the time of the early church to the Reformation (we will take a class that covers the Reformation to the current day next semester).

Some of my school books

Next is Pastoral Care (9:30-10:50), a smaller class that is designed to complement our contextual education work.  My prison group is combined with a group that is working in another prison for a class of fewer than 20 people.  We are learning a lot about ministry in the prison setting and pastoral care and counseling for women, and we practice pastoral care with and for each other.

After Pastoral Care, I usually skip chapel so that I can eat some lunch and stop by the on-campus farmers market before choir practice with the Candler Chorale, a one-credit class (12-12:50pm).  Our choir is about seven people, and we usually spend our time on Tuesdays preparing the music we will be singing and leading in the Thursday chapel.

My last class of the day is Old Testament (1-2:20pm), another large lecture class.  This is also a year-long class, and we are currently working our way through the Pentateuch.  We started talking about Leviticus last week and will be moving on to Numbers tomorrow.  I think this is the class that many of my classmates have found most theologically challenging, but I am really enjoying learning about the sources of the Old Testament and reading the text more closely than I ever have before.

Pitts Theology Library

Fourth Day: Reading

Thursday is usually my busiest day of classes, so I spend most of Wednesday in the library, reading and preparing for that.  I also try to fit in a lunchtime swim at the Emory pool, and in the afternoon, I meet with a therapist in the Emory counseling center.  Counseling sessions are free for students (or, rather, included in our tuition and fees), and it has been really great to have someone to meet with each week to help me through all of the transitions.

Fifth Day: Classes

My schedule on Thursday is pretty much the same as Tuesday, with a few exceptions.  Instead of choir practice, my choir often leads the singing in chapel (11am-12pm).  After chapel, I sometimes have another one-credit class called First Year Advising (12-12:50pm).  As the name suggests, this is a class that is supposed to help all of us transition into seminary.  We meet regularly (though not every week) with our faculty advisor to talk about things like financial literacy and what we need to do to satisfy the M.Div. program requirements.

Inside Cannon Chapel

Sixth Day: Schoolwork

Friday is another day without classes and it is tempting to take the day off, but I have been trying to get most of my schoolwork done before the weekend.  It is also a day when we sometimes have special programs at school (for example, next week I will be taking an afternoon workshop on the Enneagram).  Again, I try to fit a run or swimming into the day.  In the evening, I might go out to dinner or do something else to unwind after the week.

Seventh Day: Sabbath

One of the reasons I try to do so much schoolwork on Friday is because I have set Saturday aside as a no-schoolwork day, a sabbath of sorts.  It is amazing to me how tempted I have been to do schoolwork on Saturdays, especially when midterms are looming, but I have managed to stick with it so far.

On Saturday mornings, I have been going to a yoga class at a local ashram, then I usually spend the rest of the day hanging out with friends, reading (fiction!), or catching up with things around the house.  So, it's not a complete sabbath, but at least one day a week when I am not completely focused on school.

More Thoughts on Recording

The night before I went to preach at Camas Friends Church, I had a dream.  I dreamed that I was sitting in the Camas Friends meeting room, waiting to give the message.  In my dream, the announcements and introductions went on and on, and I began to get anxious that there would not be space for me to speak.  To my horror, I saw people standing to leave.  One by one, they quietly walked out of the room.  But when I looked to my right, I saw a small girl sitting on the bench next to me.  She looked up at me, her eyes wide, and said, "Are you going to be the preacher today?"  Then I woke up.

I have been in Atlanta for a month now, and it has been a bit of a bumpy landing.  There are things that I love about studying at Candler School of Theology: my classes are interesting, the professors are brilliant and entertaining, and my classmates are caring and thoughtful.  But I have also experienced a fair amount of culture shock.  I am adjusting to living in the South and being a full-time student again after several years of working as a lawyer.  I am also the only Quaker in a Methodist seminary, which has its own challenges.

One thing I did not anticipate was how big of a deal my recording would be here.

Because it is the beginning of the year, I often find myself in classrooms where we go around the room and introduce ourselves.  For many of my classmates, the introduction goes like this:  "My name is Jessie and I am United Methodist, on the ordination track in the North Georgia Conference."

When it's my turn to introduce myself, I usually say, "My name is Ashley and I am a Quaker (a member of the Religious Society of Friends).  I am a recorded Quaker minister (the Quaker version of ordination)."  

When I say that, people's eyebrows go up.  They shift in their chairs.  Last week, a professor said to me, "So, you're just here for the education."

It's true.  For many of my classmates, they need to go to seminary in order to be ordained in their denominations.  As a Friend, I do not need the degree to be a minister (in fact, several Friends tried to talk me out of it before I came here).

I am grateful for my recording, and it is still new enough that I am trying to figure out what it means to me and for my ministry.  I sometimes think it means more to non-Friends than it does to Friends.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a friend who should be recorded. She has a clear call to ministry and has been deeply involved in public ministry among Friends, which is bearing fruit. But her yearly meeting does not record ministers. 

She said that, in a conversation with another minister, she blurted out, "I wish they would just record me!" The other (recorded) minister reminded her that recording is not something to take lightly. 

While I agree on one level, I also think that, when someone is doing public ministry, eventually the lack of recording can become a burden, and it is a burden that the meeting should take up. It is the responsibility of the meeting to provide support and accountability for public ministers, and recording is the way that Friends traditionally have shown their intention to provide that support and accountability. 

I also think this weighs heavier on women than men. It is true that yearly meetings that do not record ministers do not discriminate between women and men (neither are recorded). However, that does not take into account all of the voices that women hear telling them that they cannot do ministry. There are entire denominations that will not allow women to preach or even teach men. It is still unusual for a little girl to hear a woman preach. And when Friends say that they will not record ministers, that is one more voice telling women that they cannot be ministers.

Recording is important, Friends. Especially the recording of women. We need to take a look around and recognize the gifts that God has given to our meetings and find ways to support the Friends who are sharing those gifts with us.

Tearing Down, Building Up

The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

“Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.  Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.  See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

Jeremiah 1:4-10.

 The first time I preached, it was a surprise for everyone, including me.  

For our fourth School of the Spirit residency in the fall of 2010, the teachers put together a panel from the class to talk about "Being Other in Community."  I felt led to be on the panel, so I wrote a proposal saying that I would like to talk about the prophet as other.

After the teacher told me I would be on the panel, I spent the summer trying to write out my message.  First, I wrote about Elijah in the wilderness, telling God he wanted to die.  Then I wrote about the last chapter of Jonah: Even though Jonah's mission had been wildly successful, the story ends with Jonah being angry with God. 

Although both of those Bible passages spoke to me, the message was not coming together.  That was hard for me, because I had planned to write the message out in advance and submit it as my fall reflection paper.  I was also terrified of getting up in front of my class without knowing what I was going to say.

I spent a lot of time during that fall residency in prayer.  I still did not have the message.  Then, finally, during the hour of worship before the panel was scheduled to speak, I knew what I had to do.  It became clear that all I needed was Jeremiah 1:4-10, and that I would be preaching from that passage.

So I did.  I spoke about God calling Jeremiah to be a prophet and my own struggles with others naming the gift of prophecy in me.  I said that it was hard in part because I am young, but also because I am a woman.  I shared how challenging it is for me when I feel led to give messages that tear down and destroy, because I always want to build and to plant.

As I spoke, I knew I was preaching, and it felt right.  Afterward, I was glad that I didn't know in advance, hard as it was, because I only would have doubted myself and my abilities.  And that experience gave me confidence later when I felt led to preach again in programmed worship.

Now, three years later, I am beginning seminary at Candler School of Theology.  When I saw that the theme for orientation was "Tearing Down and Building Up," I laughed.  I knew immediately that it was a reference to the first chapter of Jeremiah.

Like the School of the Spirit, I know that seminary will be a distilling process for me.  In addition to what I will learn about the Bible and Christian history, I will also be learning about myself and what God is calling me to do.  I know that it will be challenging, and there will be days where I doubt myself and God, and wonder why I am here.

But I am also grateful for signs—like this orientation theme—reassuring me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Playlist III

I will be moving to Atlanta in just under a month, and I have been working on a new playlist for my ipod.  My playlists are not just a snapshot of the music I am listening to at the moment, they are one of the intuitive ways I work through challenging times.  I have posted before about playlists I made during some difficult ministry and before going to Kenya for the World Conference of Friends. 

This one is called "Something New."  Through these songs, I am trying to honor what I am leaving behind as well as where I am going.  I hope that they will help keep me grounded and give me strength and courage for what lies ahead.


Something New

The Dress Looks Nice On You, Sufjan Stevens
Wake Me Up, Avicii
Some Nights, Fun.
Pardon Me, The Blow
Skinny Love, Bon Iver
Nowhere, Massachusetts, Black Prairie
Wake Up, Arcade Fire
20 Dollar Nose Bleed, Fall Out Boy
Slips, Hymn For Her
Boom Boom, Storm Large
The Birth of Our Purpose, Jon Watts
You Are Everyone, Dar Williams
I Will Wait, Mumford & Sons
Carry On, Fun.
Fireweed Mountain, Seth Martin and the Menders
He Woke Me Up Again, Sufjan Stevens
The Only Moment We Were Alone, Explosions in the Sky
Walk Away Renee, Left Banke
Ancient Green, Kathleen Hannan
Loom, Ani DiFranco
Secret of the Easy Yoke, Pedro the Lion
Hum Hallelujah, Fall Out Boy
Your Hand in Mine, Explosions in the Sky
Banjo Lullaby, Seth Martin and the Menders
Cedar Tree, Indigo Girls
Shout Me Out, TV on the Radio
Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons
Throw Me a Curve, The Go-Go's
One More Night (Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead), Stars
There's Never Enough Time, The Postal Service
The Transfiguration, Sufjan Stevens
Jessica, Regina Spektor
What Light, Wilco
The Lord Bless You and Keep You, John Rutter
Below My Feet, Mumford & Sons
Promise, Pedro the Lion

My People

Send down the fire of your justice

Send down the rains of your love

Send down your Spirit, breathe life in your people

Make us the people of God

I have spent a lot of time over the past five years traveling among Friends, both in person and online.  I have been to evangelical, liberal, and conservative yearly meetings.  I have worshiped with Friends in meetinghouses and churches from Alaska to Nairobi.  I have read posts by Friends who are as close to me as family and by others who I have never met, but who I know to be kindred spirits.

All of this travel among Friends has been a privilege and a blessing.  It has also given me a vantage point on the Religious Society of Friends that I think is unusual.  I was reminded of that yesterday when I saw two posts online by Friends.

The first was by Becky A, who is currently serving as superintendent of Northwest Yearly Meeting.  In her post, On Our Way Rejoicing, Becky wondered what it is that Friends do together that is so worthwhile.  She proposed the following statement:

The NWYM of Friends churches are compelled to share the good news that Jesus Christ is alive and present today to teach us himself; that we identify ourselves as Friends of Jesus when we do what Jesus tells us to do individually and corporately; and that this Friendship is open to all.

The second post was by Cat C-B, entitled An Open Letter to my Christian Quaker Friends: Part 1 of 2.  In her post, Cat said,

. . .the same spiritual integrity that made me show up and keep showing up for Quaker meetings--because I was called, and I knew it--has also kept me loyal to and part of the Pagan community that formed for me a soul capable of hearing a spiritual call in the first place.  

For someone looking in from the outside, it might seem impossible that these people are part of the same religious society.  But I know better.  I have followed the ministry of both of these women for years, and I can attest that they are both faithful Friends.

It is hard for me, when I travel among Friends, to hear the ways that some Friends fear other Friends.  I wish all of you could see what I see.

We are all working so hard to be faithful.  We are trying to listen to the voice of the Spirit, however we name that divine presence.  Friends are also making a valiant effort to listen to each other across our differences, but we sometimes end up hurting each other, often through misunderstandings of the language we use.

Whenever I am with Friends, regardless of the kind of Friends, there is always a moment when I have the clear sense that these are my people.  It is not always the same—sometimes that feeling comes in open worship, other times in prayer, singing, or individual conversations.  Regardless of how it happens, I know then that these are Friends who are committed to each other and to listening to the voice of the Spirit together.

But now I am preparing to leave my Quaker bubble.  In just over a month, I will be moving to Atlanta to be a part of a different faith community: my class at Candler School of Theology, a Methodist seminary.

When I was coming back from the World Conference of Friends last year, I had a fairly long layover in the London airport.  There were several Friends around, and I ran into them a few times.  I was sitting on my own in one of the lounge areas, when I heard a clear message:

Go to the chapel to be with your people.

I shrugged and said, okay—it wasn't like I was doing anything.  I had spent time in the chapel during my layover on the way to Kenya, so I knew where it was.  I had the vague idea that I might find some other Friends in there and we could have a final meeting for worship.

But that's not who was there.

When I went into the chapel and settled into prayer, the people who joined me were:  Hasidic Jews, wrapping tefillin.  Muslims praying toward Mecca.  A young Catholic woman making her way through the Rosary.

Quakers are my people. And those are my people.  We are the people of God.

Asking for Money (Again)

There was a time a few years ago when it seemed like everyone was asking me, "Are you sure you don't want to go to seminary?"

My standard response was, "No.  I can't afford it."  

Like most people who go to law school these days, I took out some sizable student loans to pay for my education.  I have been faithfully sending in money each month for several years, but it will be a long time before I am finished paying those loans off.

Now I am going to seminary in the fall.  I still can't afford it.

I have been very fortunate: all three of the schools I applied to offered me full-tuition scholarships.  One offered me a generous living stipend as well.  Unfortunately, it was not the school I felt led to attend.  

Last month, I was on a plane between school visits, praying.  My prayer went something like this: "Hey God, this school is offering me a lot of money.  It is really hard to say no to that.  What should I do?"

The response I got was, "Since when do you make decisions based on money?"

Of course, that is right.  If I made decisions based on money, I would have made a lot of different decisions over the past few years, up to and including applying for seminary.  But I don't make decisions based on money; I try to make decisions based on how I discern God is leading me.

A few days later, I was sitting on the campus at Candler School of Theology, waiting for a friend to pick me up, when a student walked up to me and handed me small card with a piece of chocolate taped to it.  The card said,

"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you."  Isaiah 41:10

I went home and sent a letter to the school that had offered me so much money, thanking them for their generous offer and letting them know that I would be attending Candler.

Even though I have a full-tuition scholarship, I will need money for living expenses.  I am planning to get a part-time job while I am in school and I am going to take out more student loans.  At this point, that feels somewhere between a leap of faith and flat-out crazy.  But I believe this is the path God is putting me on, and I will do my best not to fear or be dismayed.

So I am asking for money again, as I have so many times before.  Would you be willing to contribute to help cover the cost of my theological education?  Any amount helps.  If so, please see the letter at the end of this post for information about how to make a contribution.

Another way to support me is through gift cards.  Two of the expenses I will have in the fall are food and books.  I would especially appreciate gift cards for Kroger, Powell's Books, or Whole Foods.

Finally, if you know of any scholarships that could help defray some of the cost of my education, I would love to know about them.  You can leave a comment here or email me; my email address is: ashleymwilcox AT gmail DOT com.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me in prayer and financially.  My ministry would not be possible without you.

* * *

[A letter from the Candler School of Theology Office of Financial Aid.]

Dear Colleagues in Ministry,

It is my pleasure to inform you that Ashley Wilcox has been admitted to Candler School of Theology's Master of Divinity degree program, beginning in the fall 2013 semester.  Ashley has also been selected to receive our Honors Scholarship.

The Honors Scholarship provides a $19,800 award.  This award is renewable each year, based upon maintenance of a minimum GPA requirement.

Candler's mission is "to educate faithful and creative leaders for the church's ministries in the world."  It is our hope that you will partner with us to assist Ashley in funding her theological education.  While Ashley's scholarship addresses tuition expenses, the actual cost of attending Candler this year is $44,009.  I invite you to make a contribution to Ashley's theological education.  You may alert me of your intention to make a contribution by letter, fax (404-727-2915), or email (candlerfinancialaid@emory.edu).  This will allow me to include your contribution as "Anticipated Aid" on Ashley's student account.

To ensure your contribution assists with fall semester expenses, please send it to Candler's Office of Financial Aid by August 15.  (Spring semester contributions are encouraged by January 15.)  Checks should be made payable to Emory University and mailed to my attention at

Candler School of Theology
Office of Financial Aid
1531 Dickey Drive
Atlanta, GA  30322

Candler's scholarship programs, along with generous support from individuals, local churches, community groups, and denominational bodies help make theological education possible for promising candidates for ministry, teaching, and service.  We believe that an investment in Ashley and students like her is an investment in the future of the church and society.  Please accept our thanks in advance for the support, both financial and spiritual, that you will provide Ashley in the days ahead.

Warmest regards,

Lisa Parker
Financial Aid Advisor
404-727-6326
candlerfinancialaid@emory.edu