FGC Gathering: Report

Report on the FGC Gathering

June 30 – July 6, 2013, Greeley, Colorado

At the Growing Edges of our Faith 

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.”  Psalm 16:6.

I did a variety of ministry while at the FGC Gathering, but my primary focus was on the workshop I led, “Convergent Friends: Worship and Conversation.”  This workshop took place over five days, meeting each day from 9:00 to 11:45 a.m.  Considering the context, the participants were quite diverse.  Twelve Friends registered in advance; another joined partway through and two were drawn away after the first few days by outside circumstances.  The Friends ranged in age from 18 to 92.  Most were from liberal, unprogrammed meetings, but one was from an Evangelical meeting in Bolivia and another was from a Conservative yearly meeting.  The participants were pretty evenly split between men and women, and we had varied levels of physical ability.

One of the gifts of doing this ministry was working with Aimee McAdams.  Aimee had eldered for me a few times at the World Conference of Friends last year, but this was her first experience traveling in the ministry as an elder.  It was a joy to see her growing in her gifts.  Each morning before the workshop, Aimee and I spent time in worship together.  That helped us connect with each other and be grounded for our work.  It became clear early on that we perceive the world in very different ways, which required us to be clear in communicating what we saw and felt.  We naturally split the work in the workshop, often with me paying attention to the group as a whole and Aimee tending to individuals who needed a little extra attention.  There was a high level of trust between us, in part based on the fact that we have a similar understanding of how God is present and at work in the world.  Working with Aimee was a pleasure, and I hope to have the opportunity to work together again. 

Leading the workshop was a growing experience for me.  Overall, I feel very good about it, but there were unexpected challenges.  Going in, I was a little nervous about the length; I had never led a week-long workshop before.  However, I felt pretty confident about the content.  With very few exceptions, I had successfully led all of the exercises in workshops in the past.  One thing I remembered as the week progressed is that every group is different―just because one activity was popular or meaningful in the past does not mean it will have the same impact this time.  Likewise, some things that had not been as meaningful in previous workshops took on new life.  This helped me learn to stay flexible and temper my expectations.  I heard feedback throughout the week that Friends found the workshop “gently challenging.”  I encouraged participants to stay with things that were uncomfortable, but to stop if something felt wrong.  

There were two main challenges that arose for Aimee and me as leaders.  The first was that we had a newcomer on the third day.  I had specifically asked the conference organizers not to allow anyone to take my workshop part-time, but I think this person changed workshops at the last possible moment on Tuesday.  The person was a fine addition to the group, but it was challenging for me because having a new person at that point changed the group dynamics and the new person did not know what we had done the previous two days.

The second challenge also involved an individual in the workshop.  I tried to be clear about my plans and expectations for the workshop, both in my written description of the workshop and in a schedule that was posted on the board all week.  I was intentional about the flow of the workshop, with more content and full-group activities in the beginning and more spaciousness and small-group activities as we got closer to the end.  I also decided to have Friends meet in the same small groups for the entire week.  In my experience, I have found that meeting in the same small group builds a level of trust and sharing that does not occur when the groups change each time.

The participant that I found challenging first approached me after the second day of the workshop.  He said that he had a lot of experience leading workshops and suggested that, instead of meeting in the same small groups, we change them.  He also informed me that his meeting was involved in the recent Indiana Yearly Meeting split, and offered to share those experiences with the group.  In retrospect, I should have said that the workshop was not the place for that discussion, but instead I just said that I would wait and see if there would be time for it.

About halfway through the final day of the workshop, we reached an impasse.  The group had finished one activity and I was about to introduce the next one, when the Friend said that he wanted to speak.  I tried to engage him individually, but it was clear that he wanted everyone to hear.  He then said that he had thought we were going to talk about the Indiana Yearly Meeting split, and he felt like we should take the time to do that.  Another Friend said he wanted to talk about some of the other large issues Friends face today, and a third said she wanted to talk about the issues the plenary speaker had raised the previous evening.

This was a hard moment for me because I knew that, no matter what I did, some people would be disappointed.  I listened to the Friends’ concerns, but Aimee and I were both very clear that we needed to follow the plan we had discerned in advance.  I suggested that, if Friends felt the workshop had not met their expectations, they share that in the written evaluations.  I can’t say for sure, of course, but my sense was that there was something about me or my leadership style that seemed particularly challenging to the individual who approached me.

I am happy to say that, during my time at the FGC Gathering, my self-care was the best it has ever been.  As is often the case when I do traveling ministry, I had trouble eating and sleeping.  It was a gift for me, however, to have so many people present who know me extremely well, including my former housemate, people from my School of the Spirit K-group, and members of my School of the Spirit care committee.  They were able to gently reflect back when I was acting tired or giddy.  I did yoga every morning, took breaks when I needed them, and went to the healing center twice for energy work.

One thing I was very aware of and had a hard time with was my rising level of "Quaker celebrity."  It felt like a lot of people knew who I was, either because they had read something I had written or heard about me some other way.  I felt like a lot of them wanted something from me, and I struggled with that feeling of fame and others' expectations.  It got to the point where I was carrying around a disguise (a hat and sunglasses), so I could escape when I felt like I needed to.  I have the sense that this will be an ongoing challenge for me.

Since returning home, I have tried to be very intentional and transparent about my process.  I was grateful that the gathering ended on Saturday, so I could take Sunday for re-entry.  I spent the morning in worship, creating a Venn diagram of my experience of the Gathering: preparation, what I thought I would do, what I did, and what I see coming out of it.  I have also written blog posts reflecting on re-entry and some of the themes I saw emerging at the Gathering, including privilege and vocal ministry.

I am grateful to all of the individuals and groups who made this ministry possible financially:  The Pickett Endowment, for its grant (and Lloyd Lee Wilson for nominating me); Friends General Conference, for the workgrant and travel grant; and Freedom Friends Church, for its scholarship.  I am also grateful to Freedom Friends Church for its spiritual support and traveling minute.  Thanks to everyone who was praying for me and who helped me to process my experiences both during and after the FGC Gathering.  And thanks, most of all, to God, for being with me every step of the way.

Ashley Wilcox 

July 14, 2013

FGC Gathering: Vocal Ministry

One of the things I often feel led to do is give vocal ministry in closing worship at Quaker gatherings.  This is challenging for me because I usually am pretty tired by that point.  It is also hard for me to give messages in front of large groups of people, so I feel God working me pretty hard at these times.  (I have written about this experience before, after speaking at North Pacific Yearly Meeting and at the World Conference of Friends.)

Talking about vocal ministry is hard because Friends believe that the messages in meeting are from God.  It would be easier if I could say that it is all God and I have nothing to do with it, but that is not true.  The message is from God, but God uses my voice and my experiences.

This is one of the reasons that daily spiritual practices are so important.  I have heard Friends refer to this as "stocking the pantry"—making sure there is good food there for when you are ready to make a meal.

I am tempted to say that, when I give vocal ministry, it is 25% me and 75% God, but that does not feel right.  Really, I think it is 100% me and 100% God—of course, God is much bigger than I am, so there is a lot more of God than me coming through.

It was in the middle of the night on Wednesday of the Gathering that I first had the sense that I might give vocal ministry in the closing worship on Saturday.  

As is often the case when I travel, I did not sleep well during the week I was in Greeley.  I was up in the night every night, often for enough time to read or eat a pretty substantial snack.  That night, I began to feel like I do when I am going to give a message, but I tried to ignore it and went back to sleep.

On Thursday morning, the feeling was still there.  I felt it while I was doing yoga before breakfast, and I was even more distracted than usual during breakfast.  (Poor Aimee, who was eldering for me, kept trying to get me to eat breakfast, to no avail.  Each morning, I would load up my plate, then pick at my food.  That is not usually the case for me; in what I keep thinking of as my "regular life," I am a big fan of breakfast and never miss it.)

Aimee and I left the dining hall and went to the classroom where our workshop was held.  As part of our preparation for leading the workshop, we settled into a time of worship, as we did every day.

During worship, I could feel the message strongly and I was really upset.  As we continued to worship, I told Aimee that I had this sense of leading and it was hard for me because I felt like I needed all the energy I had for the workshop and other obligations, and I didn't have anything left for the message.  I also shared the pieces of the message I had so far.

Aimee listened to me and asked clarifying questions.  In the end, I think we both had a sense of the message, but knew that it would be different by the time of closing worship on Saturday.  Our time of worship and clarification was very helpful for me; afterward, I felt like I could focus on what we were bringing to the workshop that day.

I have had this advance sense of giving vocal ministry enough times now that I know better than to fight it.  Instead, I did my best to let it go.  Every once in a while, I would check in to see if I still felt the leading.  It was there, like an ember in my chest, waiting for the right time.

At one point, Aimee asked me what it felt like for me to carry a message like that.  I said that, honestly, the closest feeling is how it feels when you have the stomach flu and feel like you are going to throw up.  You don't always feel like you will be sick right away, but it's always there to some degree.  You know that you will feel better once you do, but you also know that the feeling might go away on its own.

On Saturday morning, Aimee and I went to the dining hall early and I finally ate a full breakfast.  After eating, we continued to talk with Friends at the table.  Two of them at different times asked me if I had a message, and I said that I thought I did.  

As the conversation progressed, I began to feel the message more and more strongly.  I began to feel pulled inward and I had a hard time keeping my focus on the conversation, even though it was about the process of giving vocal ministry.

Aimee and I went back to our dorm and settled into worship in the living room of our suite.  Again, we talked out of the worship.  I shared some of what I was struggling with about the conversation at breakfast, Aimee asked clarifying questions and reflected back what she had heard.  Then we filled up our water bottles and walked over to the room where worship would be held.

One thing that often has been a source of anxiety for me when I feel like I have a message to share is whether there will be space to give it.  That is one of the reasons I like programmed worship—it has a specifically designated time for sharing messages that God has prepared in advance.  Sometimes I have felt the need to create space, but I did not have a leading to do that this time.

As we walked toward the room, I could see that Friends had set up the chairs so that they were facing each other in a large circle.  That was comforting.  At the entrance, two Friends from the worship committee said that Friends were settling into worship as they entered the room.  The Friends also let us know that the front rows were reserved for Friends who felt a leading to speak.  They asked that Friends move to the front row when they felt that leading.

I said, "I feel a leading to speak.  May I sit in the front row and stay there?"  The Friends looked a little startled, but nodded.

Aimee and I walked into the room, and I saw Connie G sitting in the front row of one of the sections.  I had told Aimee that I probably would have a clear sense of where I should be in the room, and in that moment, I knew it was sitting between Connie and Aimee.  I whispered to Aimee that none of the standing microphones were facing me.  After I got settled, Aimee asked me if she could leave for a few minutes, and I said I was fine.  She returned and we settled into worship.

A few minutes later, I quietly told Aimee that I had received more of the message.  She said, "I was just praying that you would get what you needed!"

Friends began to fill the room.  I had my eyes closed most of the time, so I didn't see most of them.  The worship deepened.  At the official beginning time, one of the Friends from the worship committee rose to welcome everyone and reminded Friends that those who felt led to speak should move to the front row.  She asked Friends to use the standing microphones, but then said that, if Friends had mobility issues, they should raise their hands and a Friend would bring the microphone to them.

Aimee whispered to me, "Good thing they will bring you your microphone!"

Then everyone settled into worship and I waited to give the message.  At that point, I was very physically uncomfortable, and most of what was going through my head was, "Stay in the room.  Stay in the room!" along with some unprintable words directed at God.  I looked up and saw two good friends—one who used to be on my care committee and another from my meeting in Seattle—which was very comforting.

A woman rose to give a message and sang.  Shortly after that, I felt led to speak.  I rose to my feet.  I felt anchored to the spot, with Connie on one side and Aimee on the other, and I could feel the presence of another Friend behind me, grounding me.  Even though the standing microphones were just a few feet away, I did not feel clear to move.  So I raised my hand.  A Friend brought me a microphone, and I delivered the message.

Although the messages I give are always slightly different, the ones in this context seem to follow a pattern.  They are intensely vulnerable, prophetic, based in Christian language or the Bible, and accompanied by a lot of tears.  In other words, it seems like they are geared to get one's attention.

I know by now that, for some Friends, hearing me give a message like that for the first time can be a powerful experience.  But for Friends who know me well or have heard me speak often, there is a sense of, "Oh, Ashley's just doing her thing."  Not that those Friends are dismissive—I believe that they are listening to the message and it may have something for them—but it's a little like hearing the same concert performance over and over.  It loses a little of its sparkle after the third or fourth time.

I have come to expect certain responses when I give these messages.  The best is when Friends say, "Thank you for the message" or "Thank you for your ministry."  Those phrases acknowledge that the message is from God and that I have been faithful in delivering it.  My usual responses is, "I am glad it spoke to you."

I have also found that Friends are drawn to me after I speak.  That seems natural.  I have spoken on behalf of God, and I have a certain "God glow" when I give vocal ministry that is attractive.

Another response I have found is that Friends will approach me and say, "I didn't understand what you were trying to say there."  My first response to that usually is, "The message probably was not for you."  I am glad that they are trying to engage, but I usually do not have the energy to try to explain the message.

The worst is when people approach me and try to debate what I have said or dominate me verbally or physically.  Fortunately, this does not happen very often, but it is difficult because I feel tired, vulnerable, and empty after delivering that kind of message.

That is where elders come in.  A big part of eldering for me when I give messages like that is being a watchdog at the rise of meeting.  Before the meeting, Aimee and I talked through an escape plan, if I felt like I needed to leave quickly.  

Fortunately, that was not the case.  I felt clear to stay through the rest of worship after I spoke.  After worship, I felt like there was a bubble around me.  Friends walked past, but only a few engaged.  Aimee and I sat until the room had nearly cleared out, then had a wonderful conversation with two children.  Finally, we headed back to our dorm room, so I could shower and change and go to lunch.

Networks of Support

When I travel among Friends, older Friends often comment in surprise that it seems like young adult Friends all know each other.  When they ask why this is, I say a few things: there aren't very many of us, we all tend to go to the same conferences and gatherings, and we have lots of mutual friends.  

But I think the main reason we stay so connected is social media.

When I talk about how important social media is for young adult Friends, I often get blank looks.  "You mean Facebook?"  they say.  "I have a Facebook account.  I don't really use it very much, though."

A few days ago, I had a conversation online that was a perfect example of the type of connection with other young adult Friends I am talking about.

This Sunday, in addition to being Easter, is the fifth Sunday of March.  At Freedom Friends Church, when there is a fifth Sunday, we alternate between having programmed worship and unprogrammed worship rather than our usual semi-programmed worship.  In the programmed worship, we ask someone to bring a prepared message and usually have someone lead special music.

I am scheduled to bring the message this Sunday.  While I am excited about it and I feel led to speak, it also makes me nervous.  It is unusual for anyone to preach at Freedom Friends.  In the nine years the church has been around, this is only the fifth time we have had programmed worship.

On Wednesday, I wrote on Twitter:

Last night, I dreamed that I lost my sermon notes for Sunday and when I got up to preach, I was completely naked. Whatever can it mean?

I wrote it in part because I thought it was funny.   It seemed to me like a classic anxiety dream, the kind where you haven't studied for the test and then you realize you are up in front of the classroom naked.

That afternoon, I got two responses.  The first was from Jon W, saying, 

Don't clothe yourself in plans! Let the Spirit strip you of the safety of notes! Prepare to be a pure, unfiltered channel!

The second was from Greg W, who said,

You are nervous! Relax! Also if God leads you to give another message, be open to that!

Greg also asked, 

Will you have an elder present?  

And I realized that, although my recording committee is going to be there, I had not asked anyone to elder.  I immediately sent an email to a member of the committee, asking if he would be willing to ground the space and hold the message in prayer.

In this brief, online conversation, fellow ministers who live in different cities reminded me of two important things: faithfulness in delivering the message and asking for the support I need.  I am grateful to them for their responses, and grateful for the ways that interactions on social media provide support and accountability for me in my ministry.


I wrote this article for an application to a scholarship sponsored by Direct2TV.com

Eldering III

After my last post, On Outrunning Your Guide, a Friend asked me if I had any advice on what to do if you hear someone else outrunning his or her guide.  This is really a question about eldering.  I have written in the past about serving as an elder for an individual minister and about working with an elder as a minister.  This post is about eldering within one's own meeting.


Dear Friend,

You asked if I had thoughts on what to do when you hear someone else outrunning his or her guide in giving vocal ministry.  I am a little ashamed to say that my initial reaction was, "Don't do anything!"  Taking a Friend to task for vocal ministry is the kind of behavior that has given "eldering" such a negative connotation, and I have spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to reclaim the positive definitions of the word!  Still, attending to the quality of worship and holding ministers accountable is an essential part of being an elder.

A few years ago, the Nominating Committee at University Friends Meeting spent some time reflecting on the question of eldering in response to vocal ministry and concluded that it was not possible to elder someone you do not love.  I think that is true for all kinds of eldering, but especially this kind.  It is something to approach with humility and grace.

As with vocal ministry, God may call anyone to serve as an elder at any time, but there are those in our meetings who have particular gifts of eldering.  An elder's primary task is to hold the meeting in prayer.  An elder may come to meeting early to ground the space, pray for the meeting throughout the week, or have a particular concern for the quality of worship.

If you are in meeting for worship and hear someone giving a message outrun his or her guide, my first recommendation is to go as deep as you can.  Pray for the minister and try to listen for the Spirit beneath the message.  Consider that the message may not be for you, and pray that it reaches the person who needs to hear it.

After the person giving ministry has finished, resist the temptation to respond!  I know that I sometimes feel an urge to smooth things over after a message that seems ungrounded, but I know that I would just be speaking out of my own discomfort and not at the prompting of the Spirit.

If you feel led to speak with the Friend who gave vocal ministry after the rise of meeting, test that leading.  Is the leading truly for you?  Is there someone else who may be feeling led to say something?  Does your meeting have a committee, such as Worship and Ministry, with a concern for the quality of worship?

If, after your discernment, you still feel clear that you have a message for the individual, ask to speak with him or her.  Be direct, speak with love, and say what God has put on your heart.  Then listen.  Giving vocal ministry is a vulnerable thing, and the Friend may have had the sense of outrunning the guide, or may be struggling with other issues.  Hold the encounter in prayer, before, during, and after.

People speaking without divine inspiration is one of the hazards of open worship.  If the meeting is grounded, it should be able to absorb the occasional misguided ministry.  But if this happens often or repeatedly, it is a symptom of larger problems that the meeting needs to address.

Some queries to consider:

• Does the meeting have a shared expectation that worship is a time to center and listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit?  
• Do members and attenders have a shared vocabulary to describe their experiences of feeling led to speak in worship?  
• Is there space for conversations about vocal ministry?  
• How does the meeting as a whole encourage vocal ministry and hold those who feel led to speak accountable?

Blessings,
Ashley

Eldering II

". . . the signals we give―yes or no, or maybe―
should be clear; the darkness around us is deep."

William Stafford, A Ritual to Read to Each Other

I have written in the past about what is like for me to work with a minister as an elder.  This post is about what it is like for me to work with an elder as a minister.

In doing ministry, I have had the opportunity to work with many different elders: young and old, women and men, and Friends from liberal, conservative, and evangelical yearly meetings.  They have all been wonderful and gifted in different ways.

At one of the School of the Spirit residencies, I was asked to speak on a panel about Being Other in Community, and I asked my classmate Margie D to elder for me.  She had never eldered before, and had a lot of questions about what that would involve.  That was good for me―I had mostly worked with more experienced elders, and Margie's questions made me think about what I really needed.  Afterward, she said she was glad that I was the first person she eldered for, because I was so specific.

In a few weeks, I will be bringing a message during one of the plenaries at the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference.  I am very fortunate to have Ann S as my elder for this talk.  Ann was on my support committee for three years and has served as my elder in the past; we know each other quite well.

Still, each ministry is different, and I had to spend some time thinking about what kind of eldering would be helpful for me this time.  Over the weekend, I sent Ann the following email:

Here is what I have in mind for eldering:  I would like to meet for worship at some point before the plenary (preferably that morning, but the night before would be okay if that works better).  I would like you to sit near me when I speak and hold me in prayer.  During the break, I would like you to make sure I am eating a snack and drinking water, and, if possible, keep people away from me.  After the plenary is over, I would like to walk with you to lunch (you don't have to eat with me, just make sure I get there!).  And, finally, I would like to get together at some point later that day to debrief about the plenary.

Even though Ann is a dear friend, I was nervous sending the email.  It is hard to ask for what I need!  But Ann responded that she was touched and impressed that I had thought it through so carefully.

The next day, I received an email from Jane S, another woman attending the conference, who is organizing a panel to speak about the FWCC World Conference.  I wrote Jane back and said that, because I would be speaking in another plenary, I would not be able to be on the panel.  That was hard for me too―it is always hard to say no, even when I am clear!

Jane wrote back quickly and thanked me for my prompt and helpful response.  Then she asked, "Do you have support planned for your time of speaking?"  I was so grateful that she understood, and grateful that Friends here have a shared understanding of the kind of support we need for ministry.

I am curious to hear from other ministers and elders:  

• Elders, what do you do to prepare for ministry?  What kinds of things are helpful to know from the minister in advance?  

• Ministers, what do you ask your elders to do?  What have they done that has been especially helpful?

 

FWCC World Conference Report

Report on the FWCC World Conference of Friends
April 17-25, 2012, Kabarak University, Kenya
Being Salt and Light: Friends living the Kingdom of God in a broken world
www.saltandlight2012.org

“You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.”  Matthew 5:14.

Pastor Judith bringing the message

 I arrived in Kenya on April 12 and spent my first five days there on a pre-conference tour of Nairobi with Friends from several countries.  As part of the tour, we visited a number of Friends churches in Nairobi Yearly Meeting.  The Kenyan Friends we met were overwhelmingly kind, welcoming, and hospitable.  A highlight for me was meeting Pastor Judith and visiting her meeting, Nairobi West Friends Church.  After their energetic, programmed worship, Pastor Judith invited me into her home, and the Friends there would not let us leave until after we had enjoyed soda and peanuts.  Another highlight was seeing the animals (and getting stuck in the mud) in Nairobi National Park.  The members of my tour bonded by singing songs about salt and light in English and Swahili as we waited for the park ranger to come pull us out of the mud with his tractor.  I am grateful for the patience and grace of George O (Nairobi YM), our tour guide, and our driver, Joseph.  On the last night before we left for the conference, most of the people on my tour met for worship, which ended up being some of the sweetest worship I experienced while I was traveling.

The FWCC World Conference took place April 17-25, with nearly 850 Friends who gathered from meetings and churches in 51 countries.  I did quite a bit of ministry while I was at the World Conference, which fell loosely into three categories: leading the convergent Friends thread group, eldering, and giving messages in meeting for worship. 

Convergent Friends thread group, day 3

The thread groups took place for an hour and a half during the afternoon of the first three full days of the conference.  There were about 30-40 people who attended my convergent Friends thread group each day.  On the first day, we spent most of the time on introductions, then had a short semi-programmed worship in the style of Freedom Friends.  On the second day, we had more conversation, listing dozens of words we use to describe the divine on the board and talking as a group and in partners about the language we use for God and our experiences of different kinds of Friends.  We closed with worship sharing about how we had seen God at work that day.  On the third day, we focused on prayer, including Wess D’s stations of the Lord’s Prayer activity, which was quite popular.  My hope for the thread group was that we would feel the presence of the living God among us, and I think that we did. 

For much of the conference, I felt clear about why I was there and what I was supposed to do.  As a result, I felt released from doing anything on the schedule that I did not feel directly led to do.  I have a tendency to do too much at this type of gathering, and that feeling of being released served me well and helped me to avoid some of the drama that others encountered at the conference.  For example, many of the Young Adult Friends (YAF) felt hurt by the fact that they could not reach unity on an epistle.  Although I did not feel led to attend the YAF meetings, I was later able to serve as an elder at a meeting for healing that some of the YAFs organized.  Similarly, I did not feel led to go to my home group after the first day, and instead took that time for rest and prayer.  Later in the conference, there was some controversy about the epistle by Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns being taken down, but it was primarily addressed in the home groups, so I did not have much to do with that.

Overall, I was surprised by the amount of eldering I did at the conference.  I did not go intending to elder, but opportunities arose while I was there, both formally―sitting on the facing bench during the worship organized by the Section of the Americas (English speaking), being invited to hold the meeting of the Section of the Americas in prayer, and in the YAF meeting for healing―and informally, in sitting with Friends in worship and in conversation.  As I have said in the past, I feel like I am about 75% minister and 25% elder, and the balance at the conference felt good to me. 

I felt led to stand and give messages in meeting for worship several times over the course of the conference.  Although this felt easier than it sometimes has in the past, it is still a hard thing for me.  Some of the messages felt strong, prophetic, and challenging (for me as much as anyone else!), but I also was blessed with opportunities to give joy-filled messages.  I felt on the whole that I was faithful with what I was given, and this is still an area where I am growing.

Me and Lucy

Throughout my time in Kenya, I felt like God was teaching me a lesson about support, abundant support.  This was grounded in the support I received from f/Friends and family before I left and personified while I was there in Lucy F (North Pacific YM), who served as my elder.  Lucy appeared the first night I arrived, before we went on different pre-conference tours, and gave me a much-needed hug after 30 hours of travel.  In a conference of 850 people, I found Lucy just about any time I thought of her, which felt like a miracle.  Lucy was an ideal elder for me there: after serving on my support committee for two years, she knows how I am when I do ministry, and she could make me laugh. 

 An experience I had in the dining hall at Kabarak provided a concrete illustration of the kind of spiritual support I received during the conference.  It is a pattern of mine that I have a hard time eating and getting enough sleep when I do spiritual work for any extended period of time, and the travel and malaria medication I was taking exacerbated those tendencies.  In addition, the dining hall was crowded, noisy, and the tables were in constant rotation, with up to a dozen introductions within a single meal.  There was plenty of food, but it was high in starch and meat, which is very different from what I usually eat.  The vegetarian options were better, but the line was always long and I felt guilty eating there because I had not registered as a vegetarian.  In general, I felt overwhelmed by the dining hall and I dreaded going to meals.

The dining hall

 One night, I went to the dining hall in a hurry.  I had something to do right after the meal, so I didn’t have time to wait in the vegetarian line.  When I got up to where the food was being served, I could not face eating the meat, so I asked the server to give me rice and just put some of the gravy from the meat on the rice.  He said, “Oh, do you want beans?” and quickly disappeared with my plate.  A minute later, he returned with beans on my rice!  I thanked him and continued down the line to pick up utensils.  Before I could get them, a Kenyan Friend I didn’t recognize said, “Oh, Ashley, you need utensils!” and put them on my plate.

In the same way, I felt like spiritual support appeared without me even having to ask.  An example of this support occurred on the afternoon after my last thread group session.  I gave the thread group everything I had, and I felt extremely tired and vulnerable when it was over.  As Lucy and I left the classroom where the thread group took place, we ran into Sharon F (Philadelphia YM).  Sharon said she had been thinking of me and asked where I was going.  I told her I was on my way to pastoral care with my elder.  She said, “good,” and continued on her way.  After Lucy and I debriefed at pastoral care for a while, it was clear that they needed to close the room.  I stepped outside to get some water and ran into my roommate, Alex Z (Southern Appalachian YM).  She said, “I was just thinking of you!” and asked how I was doing.  She then proceeded to escort me back to our dorm room and helped ground me for the work ahead.

Friends gathered in the auditorium for worship

It would be impossible to name all of the other people who supported me throughout the conference, but I would like to express my gratitude for a few more people in particular:
·    Kristin O-K (North Carolina YM Conservative), Carrie H (Northwest YM), and Joe S (North Pacific YM) for their prayers and help with the thread group
·    Emily S (North Carolina YM Conservative) and Charley and Lynn B (Alaska Friends Conference) for providing a hedge of protection around me the morning after my thread group was over
·    Colin S (Indiana YM) for lending me his cell phone so I could call my Mom on her birthday
·    Aimee M (Northern YM/Northwest YM) for sitting with me two times as I struggled with difficult ministry in meeting for worship and for her pastoral care
·    And all the people (some of whose names I don’t even know!) who prayed for me, sat with me, gave me hugs, encouraged me, and fed me

This report feels like a beginning to sharing my experiences at the World Conference.  In exchange for covering my conference registration fees, I plan to write two articles for Friends Journal: a shorter piece on my experiences visiting Friends in Nairobi Yearly Meeting and a longer piece on my experience of doing ministry at the World Conference.  In addition, I am sure I will have lots of other stories and experiences that arise over the coming days, weeks, and months.

I want to end by expressing my gratitude: to Freedom Friends Church for sending me with love and a traveling minute, to the PYM International Outreach Granting Group for its grant, and to all of my f/Friends and family, near and far, who sent prayers, financial support, and love, and who made this trip possible.  Thank you.

Ashley Wilcox
May 6, 2012

A view from my room at Milele Guest House

Care Committee Report II

Final Report to the School of the Spirit from Ashley W's Care Committee
June 2011

Introduction

We have met for the first time as the complete support committee for Ashley in order to prepare this report.  Half of us live in Seattle and met with Ashley during the first year of the School of the Spirit and the other half live in Oregon where Ashley moved a year ago. All of us have been kept informed by the sharing of notes from each meeting and have other periodic contacts with Ashley.  What follows arose out of the day five of us spent together in Portland with Ashley present.[1]

Because we are a scattered group geographically, our connections are probably different than that of some of the other Care Committees.  Only one of us is a member of Ashley’s current meeting, Freedom Friends Church (FFC), thus many of our interactions with her are in the broader context of the Quaker world.  Those of us in Seattle did have the gift of working closely with her as she named her ministry to University Friends Meeting (UFM) and worked with us during UFM’s year of discernment, taking a leadership role in developing retreats and the overall process.  This year she has stepped forward and serves as clerk at FFC.  She has visited with Friends at Multnomah Meeting in Portland while serving as elder for Marge at a workshop and for Noah M for part of the time while he was Friend-in-Residence there.

Self-knowledge and the ability to articulate it

In some ways, the SoS experience has helped Ashley to better articulate some aspects of herself, both to others and herself. At the first residency, she grudgingly admitted she was a minister, and that she wasn’t happy about it. It was a word that was hard for her. More recently, she casually told a friend of a friend she already was a minister. She also felt like she had more clarity about her own faith and gifts when writing her final paper- it was a lot easier to state those than it would have been two years ago. Writing about them is much easier for her than talking about them.

Ashley received a response from a SoS instructor to her faith and gifts statement, which among other things called out that it’s important for her to know when she’s bringing too much intensity to the table. In conversation with a co-worker, she realized she’s not intense at work- so it happens in some places and not in others. Ashley knows she is sensitive, and knows that she can be intense. She thinks it may be good for her to have a job where she’s not intense (as it presently the case), as a means to balance out her life. Excitement and focus on just one thing tend to trigger the intensity. Sometimes it’s the Spirit, sometimes it’s her personal response to an experience.

In an earlier conversation, a Friend made the distinction between being a conduit and an instrument of God, which is useful to Ashley. She played violin as a child, and remembers how awful she sounded as a 5-year-old with little experience and a tiny violin! A lot of the time when she has been given vocal ministry, she’s felt like a conduit. When she thinks about speaking in other venues, it feels more like she’s an instrument- same spirit, but different. It’s comforting to her to think about how much practice on the violin it took before she started to sound good.

Another Friend observed that as a conduit, your job is to clear the channel, whereas as an instrument, there may be many other things you need to do or practice in order to bring that sound to life. Being an instrument of God involves discipline and stuff that isn’t necessarily fun.

Gifts of Spiritual Nurture

Ashley took an online quiz on spiritual gifts, and it came up with a list of five that resonated with her:

Prophecy- this came up at almost every residency. Ashley thinks of this as truth-telling all the time. Prophecy isn’t always obvious, at least not to her, and she doesn’t know whether something she says is prophetic, necessarily, when she says it.

Writing- comes easiest, has the most experience and training here.

Prayer- is, for Ashley, an obvious response to things that happen. Having grown up with a lot of vocal prayer, she’s pretty comfortable with it.

Knowledge- understanding and working with systems- of power, structures, how organizations work- comes naturally to Ashley.

Faith- hopefully it comes through! She talks a lot about being a Quaker- her co-workers associate it with her, which isn’t the same thing as talking about God, but it’s in the neighborhood.

We wondered if “faith” is a gift per se, or rather something you just have. Is there a difference between a gift and a talent? Faith isn’t a talent, to be sure; is writing? And can/how do you work on gifts?

We also asked if the gift of prophecy had developed further in the past year, if her understanding of that gift has changed, and about her role as a prophet.

Talking about prophecy has become easier for her, if only through repetition. Her September talk at the residency on “the other as a prophetic role” was really good for this, too. Frank M hammered on this point then, and said he thought she was ready, but not ready to be ready- which was obscure, but felt right. “A prophet isn’t respected in his hometown.” This feels right, but it’s also difficult to be a prophet in your hometown, because you’re integrated into the community, not looking in from the outside. The message of a prophet is “turn toward God” and that’s the message she keeps giving over and over. But it’s not a comfortable role or word, and it’s not something she wants to do all the time. She wants to be able to feel comfortable and at home sometimes. She doesn’t think prophecy is about a new message so much as it is about timing- saying the right thing at the right time.

More used to the idea, yes, but not comfortable. Prophecy isn’t a full-time job; sometime you have to go home. The role is between God and the community. The job is to turn people/community toward God- which echoes Ashley’s description of her ministry a year ago.

One Friend noted she talked about prayer as more of a response than a proactive endeavor. Ashley said she does think of it as a response to things and people: being sensitive to people’s condition. The gift is to be able to pray for them, out loud or not, depending on the situation. The gift is the sensitivity to the need. We spoke of the many different kinds of prayer, and how talking to God can be a gift of proactive or reactive character. We wondered if this was a part of her leadership gifts, or if it’s a more personal thing. Ashley thinks of it as both. Prayer is part of vocal ministry and leading meeting in prayer happens often at Freedom Friends. Prayer overlaps with faith, too, in that she has a deep conviction that prayer works. Eldering also involves a lot of prayer.

How are these gifts in relation to spiritual nurture? And is spiritual nurture really what it’s about for you? Is a prophetic ministry different from spiritual nurture? Ashley thinks of prophetic ministry as being more challenging, and spiritual nurture is more comforting. Leadership relates to both- comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable. The program has helped Ashley to name her gifts, find her voice, and learning, rather than focusing on spiritual nurture as a comforting thing. The program focused on nurturing and deepening the RSoF, with the hope that participants would bring that experience back to their meetings. One Friend also called out an intent to develop leadership, which can take a multiplicity of forms in spiritual nurture.

Ashley’s Place in the Meeting Community

There’s some question of how to define Ashley’s meeting. Corinthians I shows up everywhere in Ashley’s life. The bit of the ear wanting to be the foot, and for her, the bit about owning which gifts are hers, and not being envious of other’s gifts. This question provoked reflection amongst the committee members. Ashley does feel like she’s a member of many different manifestations of the body of Christ, and a part of Friends in the Northwest. When asked if her role is different in the different communities she’s a part of, Ashley responded that it is. At Freedom Friends, it’s to be clerk; other places she goes, she’s a Young Friend. She feels in-between about that, in that she doesn’t quite fit in that community, but around older Friends, she is perceived as a Young Friend, so ends up being an intercessory between the two.

The ‘shadow’ yearly meeting in the PNW, where Friends in the Northwest find affinities across the yearly meeting and theological lines was mentioned. This “yearly meeting” is not named, and these Friends don’t all think alike, but there are ties there. Does anything carry over from her role as co-clerk of this “yearly meeting”? She mentioned a few things. A friend asked if she would be a prayer partner when traveling; the planning committee asked if she would be a speaker at the next one. She’s well-known there and continues to have relationships in that circle.

How about in the blogosphere? What’s the role there? She’s connected, knows most of the people who end up on QuakerQuaker, at least a little bit. The overlap between the blogosphere and the Convergent Friends scene is there. The world gathering, another venue of this sort, still feels distant to her.

Has the experience of SoS helped clarify her place in these various worlds, and has there been growth in that? Yes- part of it has been exposure to Conservative Friends, as well as more liberal East Coast Friends. The program has felt like a container for a lot of what she’s been doing, with her care committee and K group providing her with a place to talk. Two years ago at this time, she’d never been to any yearly meeting! Now she’s one of the usual suspects.

It was reflected that Ashley’s public roles serve as a connecting force, bringing the rest of the world into Freedom Friends. Ashley shared her frequent sense of meeting as a group of people held together with a big rubber band, with varying levels of attachment to various folk.

Discernment of Leadings: Her Roles as Minister and Elder

Regarding her role as minister and/or elder, Ashley focused on that which tells me when I’m supposed to be doing/not doing.  She used to feel that when money came through, it was a clear indicator that she was supposed to act.  Lately she has come to see that this is not a sufficient discernment.  More is needed.  She has to keep listening. Things are less black and white than they used to be in general. She used to feel really clear about leading, now, not so much.

She’s read Art Larabee’s article on good discernment to clarify this process: what are the things she associates with good or negative discernment (in relation to testing leadings). Just because Ashley has felt bad about something doesn’t mean she was wrong in her discernment. She was asked rhetorically: when is a leading something worth testing with a couple people, and when is something just crystal-clear? She also talked about how it takes courage to recognize when a leading has turned out to be untrue, and to reflect on it and learn from the mistake. Corporate testing of leadings big and small is one of the gifts of the RSoF.

Often leadings are only recognized in the rear-view mirror. A piece of discernment is seeing where the path was divinely ordered. Leadings aren’t just I’m here, what next, they are also, okay, I got here through divine guidance. Leadings usually don’t show the way clear to their very ends. Ashley talked about her clerking of Freedom Friends as an instance of being rightly-led, but not necessarily for the length of time she’d anticipated. She represents the idea of someone other than Alivia or Peggy being clerk.

Minister and elder – discernment of roles.  Where is Ashley now?   75% minster/25 % elder still holds.  She is not giving up eldering totally, but feels more called to be a minister now.  This past year she has served as an elder a lot and esp. when eldering for Noah she felt a strong pull to minister.  This became an example that if you don’t listen to voices early, they get louder and more chaotic.  A very painful experience. There was also a lot of good and there is a deep need for people to take up that role for others who are ministers.  Eldering was the theme of the Women’s Conference and of part of the SoS program. Both made a lot more people comfortable with that concept and role.

It was noted that you can’t do both at once and we spoke of the criteria which distinguish them (in past Ashley saw a sharp line between vocal ministry and eldering – something which is not true today). This is an important and painful point of growth for Ashley.

Areas of Growth

Can’t believe that 2 years ago Ashley had never been to a yearly meeting.  Since then has attended 5 yearly mtgs.  Ashley gets systems insights quickly.  It was affirmed that this is a huge gift and something she has used well.

Increased capacity to find her own voice has been a visible sign of growth – partly because she had to although this is probably hard for her.  Two years ago she would have skipped business meeting in order not to have to give a report.

Growth has occurred in the ownership of her ministry, although she may still be resistant to prophetic ministry.  Ministry has changed shape for her.

One growing edge is in asking for help.  When Noah was here, she felt pushed to do that–an awful thing and a good thing. Along with this is learning how to accept help.

More confidence in what she is doing and where she is going with it – when in past she had direction yet was unsure & scattered?

It was noted that Ashley didn’t answer question about self-care as part of being a Spiritual nurturer and a minister and leader.  That this spring this was an important dynamic.  Ashley has been developing more practices, but not enough – or perhaps “trying” too much.

Coming to see when it is appropriate to say no, perhaps a lifelong task.  This year she has been getting a lot of lessons in letting go and seeing things go forward without her.  At Freedom Friends, the Recording Ministers task force, her leading/idea, but not hers to do.  Other times has taken things forward when it was not hers to do.

To be synthetic is to be convergent and very much needed.  Vision without shape and structure is fleeting.  Ashley feels more like Fell than Fox and finds Paul very sympathetic, pulling stuff together.

One favorite ministry is from World Gathering of Young Friends where someone spoke that it was quite possible that when leadings appear, it doesn’t mean that if you don’t take them they die.  Someone else will take up that work if you don’t have the capacity.

Care Committee: Kathy H, Marge A, Judy M, Ann S, Lucy F, Jana O, Sarah H

________________________________

[1] Jana O and Sarah H were unable to attend this meeting.

Report on Visiting Capitol Hill Friends

Traveling Minute Report to Freedom Friends Church

“Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters.”  Hebrews 13:1.

It was very good to visit our brothers and sisters in Christ at Capitol Hill Friends.  On the evening of Sunday, May 15, I attended their meeting for worship, which began with a potluck meal.  After dinner, we spent time worship sharing in response to a query.  Then we sang a few songs and settled into an hour of waiting worship.  The worship was deep and lively.  I felt led to speak, as did several other Friends.  After worship, we had time for prayer requests.  We spent about three hours together that evening.

I asked my friend Jessica J to come with me as my elder.  Jessica is not a Quaker, but she is my best friend and went with me to Freedom Friends the first time I attended.  As a result of being my friend and following my blog, I think she knows a lot more about traveling ministry than many Friends do!  She was surprised that some at Capitol Hill Friends didn’t know about traditions such as traveling minutes and traveling with an elder.  After worship, when Jessica and I were walking back to the metro, I asked how she was doing, and she said she was surprised by how tired she was.  I said, yes, that’s how eldering is!

On Monday afternoon, I met with four people from Capitol Hill Friends for Opportunities, spending half an hour with each person in worship, prayer, and conversation.  All of the Opportunities were lovely, and they were very different from each other.  It was good practice for me in meeting people where they were, and I think it was a good experience for everyone.  I was especially grateful for the time I spent with Faith K and Micah B and for the chance to see how they are growing in their ministries and in their relationship with God.  After the Opportunities, I shared another meal with Friends.

Many of the things that Friends did at Capitol Hill Friends were similar to our practices at Freedom Friends, but I think their practice of answering a query might interest people in our meeting.  The query Friends discussed the evening I was there was:

How do we bear our testimony that God's creation is good and should be honored? What steps are we taking to reduce our destructive impact on the creation? How are we being called as a church to repent of our materialism and thoughtless consumption that leads to the destruction of countless plant and animal species, as well as untold human suffering? How are we careful to practice good stewardship of the material resources that God has blessed us with, remembering that all the earth is the Lord's and that we are ultimately answerable to God for our actions?

Friends shared their individual responses to the query out of worship.  Micah took notes on the things Friends shared and crafted a corporate response, which he then read back.  Friends planned to share their corporate response to the query with New City Friends in Detroit and receive New City Friends’ response to the same query.

I have been doing more ministry as an elder than as a minister lately and one thing I noticed in doing this work was how much better it felt to be going as a minister than as an elder.  I still had all my usual doubts, but it felt deeply right to be traveling as a minister―it felt like stretching out.  I am grateful to Freedom Friends for sending me out with your blessing and I am grateful to Capitol Hill Friends for their warm welcome and hospitality.

Dialogue

One of the things that has been keeping me from writing much lately is that I have been serving as an elder for Noah M while he is serving as Friend in Residence for Multnomah Monthly Meeting.  I knew this was going to be hard work, but I didn't realize how hard.  

Part of what is making it hard for me is that I am continuing to do my full-time job while trying to elder for Noah, which is not easy for either of us.  He would like more support and I would like to give more support, but it's just not possible for me to be with him all the time in this ministry.

I also feel like I don't understand everything that is going on right now.  Noah and I are both around 30 years old, and most of the Friends we have been spending time with are more than twice our age.  I am feeling the generational disconnect more strongly than I usually do, and this is some of what it feels like for me:*

ME & NOAH:  Hey guys!

OLDER FRIENDS:  Wow, look at these cute little ministers!  Let's feed them.

ME & NOAH:  Things have to change.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Yes!  What do you think should change?

ME & NOAH:  Everything.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Huh.  But how do we get young people to be on our committees?

ME & NOAH:  No, seriously, you are going to die if you keep this up.  [You = The Religious Society of Friends]

OLDER FRIENDS:  Wait, what was the agenda for the workshop again?

ME & NOAH:  You will be surrounded by flames and overcome by floods and God is your only hope.

OLDER FRIENDS:  By "god," do you mean "nothingness"?

ME & NOAH:  No.  We mean God.

OLDER FRIENDS:  Well, that language makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's meditate or talk about activism or something instead.

Please keep all of us in your prayers.


*I want to be very clear that, even though I am using Noah's name, these are a reflection of my experiences.  I am not in any way trying to speak for him.

Eldering

When I learned that Wess D was going to be the guest speaker for Quaker Heritage Day, my first thought was, "I should go with him as his elder!"  Then I looked at my planner and realized that I couldn't―Quaker Heritage Day was scheduled for the same weekend as the February School of the Spirit residency in Durham, North Carolina.

Wess and I talked on the phone soon after, and we both said we were sorry that we would not be able to do this ministry together.  I promised to keep him in my prayers, and he said that he would let me know how his search for an elder progressed.  A few weeks later, Wess sent me an email saying that he would be traveling with a Friend from his church who was new to this kind of work.  Wess asked if I had written any blog posts about being an elder and I realized that I had not, and I probably should.

So here are some of my thoughts on being an elder.  Before I begin, I would like to clarify that this is a specific kind of eldering, that is, traveling with a minister to hold the minister and the community in prayer as he or she gives ministry under a concern.  I have also done less formal sorts of eldering in my home meeting, which I may talk about in another post.  In addition, although I have eldered for both men and women called to ministry, I will use female pronouns for the rest of this post for simplicity.  I will also refer to the gathering as a "workshop," even though these reflections would apply in many contexts.

As an elder, I have found that prayer is essential.  When I feel called to elder for someone, that person is in my prayers long before we travel.  I pray that she will be open to what God is putting in her heart to share.  I also pray for the people we will visit, that their hearts will be open to hear the message.

Before the workshop, it is important for me to spend time with the minister.  It is best if we have an opportunity to worship with each other, but traveling and eating together are also good ways for us to "sync up" before offering ministry.

During the workshop, I continue to hold the minister and the community in prayer.  This can be a very powerful experience for me.  I often feel myself holding the meeting, which, for me, feels like being at the bottom of a well.  I don't always hear all of the words Friends are sharing, but I have a sense of how the Spirit is moving through them and in the room.

Eldering is a very physical experience for me.  When I am praying, I feel the weight of the ministry.  I am also very aware of the bodies of those in the room.  I have found that one of the gifts I bring to eldering is a sense of when to take a break, either because people are getting restless, or because they need time to absorb the ministry being shared.

I try to be mindful about where I am in the room, and I check in with the minister beforehand about what would feel most supportive for her.  Generally, I try to sit near the minister, but where I can also see everyone in the room.  Sometimes I feel led to move, and I try to be open to that.

I check in with the minister throughout the workshop, to see how things are going with her and to share any impressions that arise.  Sometimes this is as mundane as making sure the minister has water or a snack, other times it involves major course correction to respond to the needs of the people in the room.  If the workshop is long, it can be grounding to have another opportunity to worship together.

Throughout, I do my best to lay down my own business and concerns and be open to God. 

It is helpful for me if the minister lets me know if she wants anything in particular.  For example, when I eldered for Marge A in the fall, she asked me to sum up the day in the final worship.  Knowing that in advance helped me to pay attention to the threads of ministry being woven together over the course of the workshop.

The relationship of minister and elder is intimate, and I think it is important for anyone being called to this work to know that in advance.  Ideally, both the minister and the elder are open and vulnerable to God, which can make them quite open and vulnerable to each other.  Spiritual intimacy often is not recognized in our culture, and it can be confusing for those doing ministry and those witnessing the ministry.  Consequently, while doing this work, it is critical for both the minister and elder to keep their focus on God.

After the workshop is over, I try to spend time with the minister reflecting on the experience.  Something I have learned from the School of the Spirit is the practice of examen―reflecting on the day, in particular, how I felt the Spirit at work and where the Spirit felt absent or blocked.  This is a time when the minister and I may feel tender and tired, so it is not a good idea to rehash everything, but it is good to take some time to check in again and close in worship.  I also try to keep in touch with the minister over the following days and weeks to see if anything arises about the experience.

I realize that I have described a kind of idealized eldering experience here.  I don't remember to do all of these things all the time.  In fact, when I am preparing to serve as an elder, I usually have a moment of panic, when I feel sure that I can't do it.  That is important for me, because it reminds me that I am not doing this―God is working through me to help ground the minister in truth.

Friends have a lot of historical resources describing the experiences of ministers, but not very many about the experiences of elders.  That isn't surprising; I have found that elders aren't always the chattiest bunch.  It is intuitive work and there aren't always words for the experiences.  I hope that these reflections on my experiences are helpful for those feeling called to serve as an elder, and I would welcome responses from others who have done this work.