Kelly On My Mind

I met Kelly Gissendaner a year and a half ago, when I was on a tour of Lee Arrendale State Prison.  As part of our contextual education at Candler School of Theology, a group of my classmates and I would be spending four hours a week at Lee Arrendale as chaplain interns.  We were touring the prison before receiving our specific assignments.

Kelly greeted us with a smile.  As the only woman on death row, she was isolated from other prisoners, and she enjoyed having visitors.  She showed us the baby blankets she had been crocheting to donate outside the prison, and she was excited that the prison administration was going to allow her to have knitting needles, so she could relearn how to knit.

I was assigned to a different part of the prison, so I didn't see Kelly again, but I would hear about her.  How her favorite theologian is Jürgen Moltmann, and they are pen pals.  How Moltmann came when she earned her certificate from the Theological Studies Program in prison.  How she encouraged other inmates and challenged my classmates with her theological insights.

Last month, I ran into Chaplain Bishop, my supervisor in the prison.  She asked me, with tears in her eyes, to pray for Ms. Kelly.  Her clemency hearing before the Board of Parole was coming up, and if they denied clemency, she would be executed.  My classmates and I prayed.  People wrote letters and testified on Kelly's behalf at the hearing.  We held vigils and waited for news.

When the news came that the board had denied clemency, it was shocking.  People at Candler were devastated, and I can only imagine how those at Lee Arrendale felt.  Kelly was scheduled to be executed last Wednesday, but due to bad weather, her execution has been postponed until Monday.

I don't know Kelly well, but I know Lee Arrendale.  I know the fences with barbed wire and the locked gates.  I know how the buildings and the inmates' uniforms blend together, until it seems like the entire world is a monotonous sea of khaki.  I have sat with women as they grieved over the deaths of family members, worried about their children and grandchildren, and counted the days until they could leave.

Some studies have shown that over 80 percent of women in prison have experienced physical or sexual abuse before being incarcerated.  Unfortunately, Kelly is included in that number.  These women do not need the state to add to their experience of trauma and violence.  They need people to hear their stories, see them, and know who they are.

I do not want Kelly to be a martyr.  I do not want her to be a rallying point for a political cause.  I just want them not to kill her.



More information about Kelly Gissendaner

New York Times, A Death Row Inmate Finds Common Ground with Theologians

Huffington Post, Meeting Kelly Gissendaner and When Is Grace Enough?

Kelly Gissendaner's Clemency Application

The hashtag on Twitter and Facebook for Kelly is #kellyonmymind

Workshop: On Prayer

[The workshop I am leading on prayer at the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference.]

Douglas Steere said that “To pray is to pay attention to the deepest thing that we know.”  In this workshop, we will explore different kinds of prayer, including body prayer, a breathing prayer, and an interactive stations of the Lord’s Prayer.  Everyone is welcome.

Led by Ashley W – Originally from Alaska, studying at Candler School of Theology in Atlanta, and a recorded minister of Freedom Friends Church in Salem, OR.  I call a lot of places home.

Convergent Friends Workshop Email

[Sent to the Friends registered for the Convergent Friends workshop I am leading at the FGC Gathering.]

Dear Friends,

I am looking forward to seeing all of you in just a few weeks at the FGC Gathering!  Aimee and I are praying for you and for our time together in the Convergent Friends workshop.

One thing that we ask everyone to do between now and the Gathering is to spend some time each day doing a spiritual practice.  Some suggestions for a daily spiritual practice are:

• Spending time in worship or prayer
• Reading scripture or from the workshop reading list
• Taking a walk with intention
• Setting the intention of loving each person you encounter

If you would like some other suggestions, the FGC New Meetings Project has put together a helpful handout on Tips for Developing a Regular Spiritual Practice.  This is one way for us to start feeling connected and intentional about our time together.

I hope that you all have safe and pleasant travels!

Blessings,

Ashley

Asking for Money (Again)

There was a time a few years ago when it seemed like everyone was asking me, "Are you sure you don't want to go to seminary?"

My standard response was, "No.  I can't afford it."  

Like most people who go to law school these days, I took out some sizable student loans to pay for my education.  I have been faithfully sending in money each month for several years, but it will be a long time before I am finished paying those loans off.

Now I am going to seminary in the fall.  I still can't afford it.

I have been very fortunate: all three of the schools I applied to offered me full-tuition scholarships.  One offered me a generous living stipend as well.  Unfortunately, it was not the school I felt led to attend.  

Last month, I was on a plane between school visits, praying.  My prayer went something like this: "Hey God, this school is offering me a lot of money.  It is really hard to say no to that.  What should I do?"

The response I got was, "Since when do you make decisions based on money?"

Of course, that is right.  If I made decisions based on money, I would have made a lot of different decisions over the past few years, up to and including applying for seminary.  But I don't make decisions based on money; I try to make decisions based on how I discern God is leading me.

A few days later, I was sitting on the campus at Candler School of Theology, waiting for a friend to pick me up, when a student walked up to me and handed me small card with a piece of chocolate taped to it.  The card said,

"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you."  Isaiah 41:10

I went home and sent a letter to the school that had offered me so much money, thanking them for their generous offer and letting them know that I would be attending Candler.

Even though I have a full-tuition scholarship, I will need money for living expenses.  I am planning to get a part-time job while I am in school and I am going to take out more student loans.  At this point, that feels somewhere between a leap of faith and flat-out crazy.  But I believe this is the path God is putting me on, and I will do my best not to fear or be dismayed.

So I am asking for money again, as I have so many times before.  Would you be willing to contribute to help cover the cost of my theological education?  Any amount helps.  If so, please see the letter at the end of this post for information about how to make a contribution.

Another way to support me is through gift cards.  Two of the expenses I will have in the fall are food and books.  I would especially appreciate gift cards for Kroger, Powell's Books, or Whole Foods.

Finally, if you know of any scholarships that could help defray some of the cost of my education, I would love to know about them.  You can leave a comment here or email me; my email address is: ashleymwilcox AT gmail DOT com.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me in prayer and financially.  My ministry would not be possible without you.

* * *

[A letter from the Candler School of Theology Office of Financial Aid.]

Dear Colleagues in Ministry,

It is my pleasure to inform you that Ashley Wilcox has been admitted to Candler School of Theology's Master of Divinity degree program, beginning in the fall 2013 semester.  Ashley has also been selected to receive our Honors Scholarship.

The Honors Scholarship provides a $19,800 award.  This award is renewable each year, based upon maintenance of a minimum GPA requirement.

Candler's mission is "to educate faithful and creative leaders for the church's ministries in the world."  It is our hope that you will partner with us to assist Ashley in funding her theological education.  While Ashley's scholarship addresses tuition expenses, the actual cost of attending Candler this year is $44,009.  I invite you to make a contribution to Ashley's theological education.  You may alert me of your intention to make a contribution by letter, fax (404-727-2915), or email (candlerfinancialaid@emory.edu).  This will allow me to include your contribution as "Anticipated Aid" on Ashley's student account.

To ensure your contribution assists with fall semester expenses, please send it to Candler's Office of Financial Aid by August 15.  (Spring semester contributions are encouraged by January 15.)  Checks should be made payable to Emory University and mailed to my attention at

Candler School of Theology
Office of Financial Aid
1531 Dickey Drive
Atlanta, GA  30322

Candler's scholarship programs, along with generous support from individuals, local churches, community groups, and denominational bodies help make theological education possible for promising candidates for ministry, teaching, and service.  We believe that an investment in Ashley and students like her is an investment in the future of the church and society.  Please accept our thanks in advance for the support, both financial and spiritual, that you will provide Ashley in the days ahead.

Warmest regards,

Lisa Parker
Financial Aid Advisor
404-727-6326
candlerfinancialaid@emory.edu

Workshop

Convergent Friends: Worship and Conversation 

FGC Gathering, June 30 - July 6, 2013

 University of Northern Colorado, Greeley, CO

2013 Theme: At the Growing Edges of our Faith

Workshop Number: 9 
Who may register?: Open to All (adult & high school) 
Worship/Worship-Sharing: 40% 
Lecture: 5% 
Discussion: 25% 
Experiential Activities: 30% 

“Convergent Friends” describes a movement of Quakers coming together across the branches of Friends to discover the best of our tradition. We will explore different kinds of worship and share how God is at work in our lives. Come prepared to be changed by the Spirit present among us. 

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19. 

Where is the life in the Religious Society of Friends? How does truth prosper among us? How can we engage one another across our differences? Each day, we will engage in different kinds of worship, including semi-programmed worship with singing and vocal prayer, extended open worship, and worship-sharing. We will spend time sharing the names we use to describe the Divine, and why those words are meaningful for us. We will also share stories about our experiences encountering different kinds of Friends, and how we saw the Spirit through them. One day, we will focus on different kinds of prayer, and walk through an interactive Stations of the Lord’s Prayer together. We will also explore Bible reading in the Conservative Friends tradition. Be ready to speak from your own experience and listen deeply. There will be time for sharing in small groups, art, music, and laughter. 

Everyone is welcome. 

Please Bring: 
A Bible (any translation) 
Any art supplies you would like to share 

Required Reading: 
Acts 2 
Eight Questions on Convergent Friends: An Interview with Robin Mohr 

Recommended Reading: 
A Testament of Devotion, by Thomas R. Kelly 
Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers, by Anne Lamott 
Essays on the Quaker Vision of Gospel Order, by Lloyd Lee Wilson 

About the leaders: 
Ashley W is a member of Freedom Friends Church in Salem, Oregon and a graduate of the School of the Spirit Ministry's program On Being a Spiritual Nurturer, class of 2011. Ashley served as clerk of Freedom Friends in 2011-12 and was co-clerk of the planning committee for the 2010 Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference. She first developed parts of this workshop while traveling with other ministers to visit meetings, churches, and yearly meetings in the Pacific Northwest. She then presented it as a three-day thread group at the Sixth World Conference of Friends in Kenya. Ashley has traveled in the ministry as a minister and an elder and carries a concern for supporting ministers in the Religious Society of Friends. Her writing has been published in Western Friend, Friends Journal, various Quaker anthologies, and on her blog, www.questforadequacy.blogspot.com. 

Aimee M will be serving as an elder for Ashley during the workshop. Aimee grew up in Oregon attending Quaker churches in Northwest Yearly Meeting. She moved to Washington state, met her husband-to-be at FGC in Tacoma, and then moved to Minnesota where she attends two different Northern Yearly Meeting meetings. She has been involved with Friends World Committee for Consultation (FWCC) for several years and was thrilled to attend the recent World Conference in Kenya, where she served on the Pastoral Care committee.

Click here to see the workshop description on the FGC website.
Registration opens on April 3.

Convergent Friends

I actually have been writing quite a bit lately . . . just not here.  In addition to the legal writing I do every day for work, I have been doing the kind of writing that is important, but not necessarily for a wider audience: personal statements, scholarship and grant applications, a workshop description.  

As you might imagine, I end up writing about Quakers a lot.  One paragraph that is part of a longer essay seemed worth posting, a description of convergent Friends:

One of the growing edges in the Religious Society of Friends is a movement called “convergent Friends”: Quakers coming together across the branches of Friends to try to discover the best of our tradition.  This is a movement toward reconciliation.  It is not based on the idea that we all have to worship the same way or believe the same things, but on the conviction that there is still life in the Religious Society of Friends, that God is still speaking to and through us, and that we can learn about the Spirit among us―however we name that Spirit―by sharing our experiences of the divine and listening deeply.

I will be heading down to California tomorrow evening to interview at Claremont School of Theology on Tuesday.   I would appreciate your prayers for safe travels and for clarity and grace while I am there.

Here and There

As usual, when my life gets busy, my blog gets quiet.  After a pretty low-key October, November has had a lot going on.  Fortunately, it's all good.

Early this month, I went to the FGC Traveling Ministries regional retreat for ministers and elders.  The retreat was hosted by Salem Friends Meeting, which is within walking distance of my house!  After spending so much time traveling long distances to get to Quaker events, I was thrilled to have a retreat so close.

About half of the Friends from the traveling ministries retreat.  Photo by Deborah F.

Deborah F and Kristi E did a wonderful job leading the retreat, and it was great to be able to catch up with Friends from the Pacific Northwest who I don't get to see often enough.  One of the highlights for me was leading Friends on a walk after lunch around the capital and the campus.  The leaves were beautiful and I got to show Friends some of my favorite places, including the statue of the Circuit Rider across the street from where I work.

Then last week, I used the long weekend for a trip to Seattle.  It was fun to go just to visit, and my adventures included a three-year-old's birthday party, vodka tasting, worship at University Friends Meeting, and lots of really good food.  The best part was being able to spend time with so many people that I love.  I hope to visit again soon!

Godson Simon granting my wish.  Photo by Emily W B.

Over the last several weeks, Friends United Meeting has engaged in 40 Days of Prayer for the future of Friends.  Even though Freedom Friends Church is not a member of FUM, I have been praying along.  I have really enjoyed joining in prayer with Friends around the world, and I look forward to seeing the fruit of this time of discernment.

And now I am grateful for a quiet weekend at home.  I will be meeting with my recording committee for the first time tomorrow afternoon.  I have been in the recording process for a while now, and meeting with a committee for discernment is the next step.  At times, I have really wanted to be recorded as a minister, other times I really have not.  Right now, I am feeling pretty ambivalent.  I have written before about how fraught recording is, especially for women, and it feels a little like putting a big target on my back.  But I do feel that God is leading me to go forward in the process, and I trust the Friends on my committee and in my meeting to hold me in prayer as I do.  If you feel so led, I would appreciate your prayers as well.

Summer Reading

Summer is a great time for some light reading outside.  While some use that time to catch up on a mystery series or those classics they have been meaning to get to, I seem to be drawn to spiritual memoirs, particularly ones written by women.  Here are a few that I have enjoyed recently.

Jesus Loves Women: A Memoir of Body and Spirit, by Tricia Gates Brown.  This book was recommended to me by Cherice B, who wrote a review on her blog.  If it hadn't been for Cherice's recommendation, I know I would not have read it, the title would have been too off-putting, but I'm glad she did.  In the introduction, Brown wrote that she is drawn to "the complex interplay of body and spirit, of the sensual and the spiritual, and the sexual and the spiritual."  As I read that, a voice inside me said, Yes!  This is what we need!  I am grateful for Brown's honesty in telling her own story, and the connections she makes between spirituality and the body.  I do not know Brown personally, but she is a Quaker who lives in the Pacific Northwest, and it was fun to read a memoir with such a familiar setting. 

Beginner's Grace: Bringing Prayer to Life, by Kate Braestrup.  I first got to know some of Kate Braestrup's story in her book Here If You Need Me, about her work as a chaplain to game wardens in Maine (if you have not read that book yet, go get it from your library immediately).  I grew up in a family and school where prayer was a given, so it surprises me how often I hear people say that they do not know how to pray.  For anyone looking for ways to pray, I recommend this book.  It is approachable and funny, filled with stories from Braestrup's life as well as a lot of great prayers.  Braestrup does a good job of showing the vast variety of kinds of prayers―she does not even get to prayers where you ask for things until p. 131!  There is also an appendix in the back with all of the prayers that are included throughout the book, many of which are by Braestrup.

Flunking Sainthood: A Year of Breaking the Sabbath, Forgetting to Pray, and Still Loving My Neighbor, by Jana Riess.  This is the lightest of the three books, and at times reads like blog posts instead of a book.  For one year, Riess set out to become more saintly by assigning herself a different spiritual practice each month, beginning with fasting.  Reading this book felt a little like School of the Spirit-lite.  There were a lot of familiar readings (The Desert Mothers and Fathers!  The Rule of Saint Benedict!), but she didn't go deep into any of them.  Riess states at various points that she feels like her spiritual practice is superficial, and I have to agree.  She also recognizes by the end that these practices are meant to be done in community and it is less meaningful to try to do them alone.  I think Riess is a little hard on herself when she says that she failed all of the spiritual practices―I think she had relative success with many of them, but she set herself up to fail with unreasonable expectations.  Still, it is a very funny book and an easy way to learn about a lot of different spiritual practices.

Have you read any good books lately?  What would you recommend?

Preparing for NCYM-C

It's a little hard for me to believe that I am going to North Carolina tomorrow.  This past week has been kind of crazy, between the half-marathon, my mom visiting, and a family friend's wedding in Hood River.  This evening, I emptied my overnight bag into the laundry and when that is done drying, everything is going into another suitcase for my trip across the country.

I am really looking forward to North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative) annual sessions.  When I have told people where I am going, I have gotten some strange looks at the word "conservative."  I say that it does not mean politically conservative.  The yearly meeting's introductory letter explains the name in more detail:

The Yearly Meeting is “Conservative” in that it values deeply the statements, words, and practices of those who have come before us, with the concern that change for the sake of change has the possibility of losing treasures we were unconscious were there. But change does happen. We have a living faith. The Yearly Meeting is not politically or socially conservative in the secular sense of that word.

I first connected with Friends from NCYM-C when I began the School of the Spirit in the fall of 2009.  Since then, I have wanted to visit their yearly meeting sessions and I am thrilled to be able to go this year.  I am looking forward to seeing friends, teachers, classmates, ministers, and elders.  I am also excited to see friends from other branches of Friends while I am visiting (there are a lot of kinds of Quakers in North Carolina!).

In looking over the schedule for NCYM-C annual sessions, I noticed a few things right away:

• The Bible study is at a time when everyone can go.  It is not too early or late, and not scheduled at the same time as anything else.  That makes it feel like the Bible study is a part of the annual session instead of tacked on, as they sometimes are.
• There is a space reserved for contemplative prayer during free time (I love this!).
• Snacks!  Each evening, a couple meetings are responsible for providing snacks for the group.  Since 9pm will feel like 6pm to me, I am sure I will be glad to have something to eat then.
• The annual sessions begin and end with worship.

My only official task while I am at NCYM-C is to perform in a play that I have been in once before, so that doesn't require much advance preparation.  Other than highlighting my lines and coordinating transportation, the main way I have been preparing for the yearly meeting is by praying.

• I have been praying for everyone attending the annual session, that our hearts and minds will be prepared to listen to God and listen to each other.
• I have been praying for my friend Charley B, who wrote the play, that everything will go smoothly as she prepares and directs the play.
•  I have been praying for Friends in NCYM-C who are grieving, after learning via facebook that an elder in the yearly meeting passed away yesterday morning.
• I have been praying that, if God gives me a message while I am visiting, I will be faithful and deliver it clearly.
• I have been praying for safe travels, joyful reunions, and that we would all experience the presence of the living God during our time together.

 And although I will not be able to attend the yearly meetings in my part of the country this summer, North Pacific Yearly Meeting and Northwest Yearly Meeting are in my prayers as well.  I know that both yearly meetings are doing important discernment, and I am praying for strength and courage for friends who are speaking at the yearly meetings.

I would appreciate your prayers for me as I travel and for all Friends who are gathering this summer.

A Fresh Word

"See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:19

Earlier this week, I read a blog post by Johan M.  The whole post was good, but one part jumped out at me.  Johan asked, 

"Are there Friends who actually have a direct message on their hearts for our new audience? Perhaps we're not limited to translating existing texts, but will be hearing from someone with a fresh word."

In particular, it was the last part, the part about a fresh word.  I had heard that phrase before, but in reading it there, it had new life.  I wrote it down and I have it on my desk at work where I can see it.

Recently, I have been feeling a heaviness around the Religious Society of Friends, mostly having to do with money and maintaining institutions.  I feel like we need a fresh word.  So that is my prayer for myself and for Friends.

I shared that prayer during our time for petitions at Freedom Friends Church this morning.  Later, during open worship, I gave the following message:

The last time I was at a gathering for Friends World Committee for Consultation was almost exactly three years ago.  It was in March, 2009, in Canby, Oregon―not very far from here.  During that gathering, God gave me a message to give to the group, but I did not give it.  Afterward, I felt awful.  I knew that I had been unfaithful, and I thought I was going to be sick.

When I first started feeling led to go to the World Conference in Kenya, I didn't want to go.  I fought with God, as I often do.  And I wondered if God was making me go to Kenya because I did not share the message I was given at the last gathering―if, because I didn't give the message nearby, I would have to go halfway around the world to give it.

Now my trip to Kenya is soon, and I'm not angry anymore.  I am excited about it.

The message that I didn't give was very short:  You have everything you need.  It would have been so easy to give that message―you have everything you need. 

Since not giving the message, I have noticed that it has stayed with me.  A lot of things have happened in the past few years.  At times, I have been unemployed, or I haven't known where I was going to live, or I have had very little money in my bank account.  But I have always had everything I needed.

I do not know whether this is the message that I am supposed to give at the World Conference, but I do believe that there is a reason that I am going.  And I am grateful for all of you for holding me when I go.

After meeting, a weighty Friend said that my message sounded like experiences he had read in journals of 18th and 19th century Friends who, early in their ministry, felt led to give a message, but did not for one reason or another.  He reminded me that those Friends were later called on to speak.  I am sure that I will be as well.

When I got home, I posted on facebook that I was praying for a fresh word.  Almost immediately, Brian, a friend of mine from high school, suggested "callipygian."  (Go ahead, look it up.  I'll wait.)  While I doubt that "callipygian" is the fresh world I will be bringing to Kenya, the comment is another reason I am grateful to be part of a larger community―other people remind me to keep a sense of humor!

Practicing Lent

For the past few years, one of my spiritual practices has been to spend time in the morning in prayer before work.  Other practices come and go, but this has been a consistently good one for me.  I set an alarm on my cell phone and pray for about 15 to 20 minutes (sometimes more, sometimes less).  I pray at other times as well―really, I believe that breathing is prayer―but having a quiet centering time in the morning is good for my spiritual health, and if I miss more than a day or two, I can tell.

Prayer time is my cat Bella's favorite time of the day.  Most days, as soon as I sit down, she curls up in my lap and starts purring.  I often begin my prayers by listing things that I am grateful for, and having a purring cat on my lap is at the top of the list!  Bella also helps keep me faithful―if it looks like I am not going to pray, she gets quite upset.

When I applied for the School of the Spirit, I saw that there was time for individual spiritual practices in the morning.  That seemed like a good fit, and I thought I would just continue my practice of sitting in prayer in the mornings at the residencies.  Our typical schedule for a day at a residency was:

7:30  Spiritual practice
8:00  Breakfast
8:45  Worship
10:00 Class
12:00  Lunch, followed by free time
2:30  Koinonia groups
5:00  Dinner
6:30  Class
8:45  Collection

In some ways, the rhythm to the days was lovely, but there was a lot of sitting.  By the second or third day of the first residency, I was pretty antsy and irritable.  The only real block of free time was right after lunch, which is a great time for a nap, but less good for a run.  Everyone around me seemed serene; I felt like I was about to start climbing up the walls.

When I complained about my need for exercise, someone suggested that I go running before breakfast.  But that was my time for spiritual practice, I responded.  Yes, and running could be a spiritual practice.  Oh.

And so it was.  Instead of sitting and praying before a day of sitting, I would run and pray, or do yoga and pray, or go for a walk and pray.  I checked in with one of the teachers about my new practice and she reassured me that it was my intention that was the important thing, not what I was actually doing.  I am sure my more energetic spiritual practices made me a much more pleasant person to be around during the residencies!

When I was home from the residencies, I had other times to exercise, so I went back to my spiritual practice of sitting in prayer in the mornings.  I did find myself consciously praying more often while running, walking, or doing yoga, though.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.  When I was a kid, I used to give something up for Lent each year.  One year it was chocolate, one year it was soda, and once nearly my entire family gave up meat for the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter.  Then I gave up Lent.

At one of the School of the Spirit residencies, we talked a lot about power.  One of the teachers said that, especially for young women, it is important for us to not give away our power before we know who we are.

I have been thinking about that in relation to the idea of giving something up for Lent.  I don't think it is valuable to give something up just for the sake of giving something up, but I do think there is value in giving something up to make space for something else.

When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do after feeding the cats usually is to open up my laptop.  I will check my email and open facebook and twitter to see what is going on in the world.  I never mean to spend a lot of time online, but I often will end up sitting there for 20 or 30 minutes, until I need to shower, have breakfast, and pray.

I don't think the internet is a bad thing.  I am glad that it allows me to connect with friends and family who do not live nearby, and email often is the best way to communicate with me.  But I don't like that it is the first thing I do in the morning.

So for Lent this year, I have decided to give up the time I spend on the computer in the morning before work.  I feel the same way about this as I did as a kid giving up chocolate―will I be able to do it?  Will it be hard?  How will I feel by the end?  It may seem like a small thing, but I am hopeful that it will help me change a habit that I don't like. 

I am interested to see what my mornings will look like without time on the computer.  I hope to spend more time in prayer in the morning, and I know that some of it will be while I am running or doing yoga.  If I feel led to write, I will write in my journal instead of opening my laptop.  Some mornings, I may just take the time to make myself a nicer breakfast than usual.  And I expect that most days will include at least 10 or 15 minutes of sitting on my couch with a purring cat on my lap.

Still

"Where is God when you're lost?  God is there, where am I?"

Lauren F. Winner, Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis (31)

A few years ago, I read Girl Meets God, by Lauren Winner, and I was disappointed.  It wasn't Winner's fault―her writing is lovely.  The problem I had was that I felt like the book's title was misleading.  At the time, I felt like God had completely turned my life upside-down.  I was having shattering mystical experiences and I hoped that Winner's book would help me make sense of some of what I was going through.

Really, I think Winner's first memoir should have been called Girl Meets Religion.  Raised in a Reform Jewish home, Winner first converted to Orthodox Judaism, then became an Episcopalian.  Though she was clearly a spiritual seeker, it seemed to me at the time that she spoke much more about the rituals in each of the religions than about her experiences of encountering God.  But she was a bright and thoughtful writer, and I appreciated reading about the spiritual journey of a young woman close to my age, even if the book was not what I expected it to be (I later learned that Winner did not choose the title, her editor did).

Like many converts (and I include myself in that category), Winner became very passionate about her new faith and what it meant to call herself a Christian.  After her first book, she began focusing on chastity and declared that she wanted to change how Christians have sex. 


I was not interested.

After growing up in an evangelical culture where everyone I knew told me that sex was for marriage, period, and True Love Waits―I signed the paper, I had the ring―the last thing I wanted to read was one more person telling me about how Christians should be having sex.  So I stopped paying attention to Winner's writing for a while.

Then Winner got married, and her marriage was an unhappy one.  On top of that, three weeks before her wedding, her mother died.  Winner's new memoir, Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis, is about her relationship with God through those hard times.

I couldn't put it down.

Just as so many books and movies end with a wedding, many books about faith end with a conversion, as if, by accepting the tenets, a person has arrived.  But even though I have never been married, I know that the wedding is only the beginning and marriage can be hard work.  I believe that being in a relationship with God can be just as challenging and rewarding, and Winner's book talks frankly about what happens after the initial glow of conversion fades.

In many ways, Still is the book that I hoped Girl Meets God would be.  In short chapters, Winner describes how she experiences God's presence, often unexpectedly, and how that presence is fleeting.  In a chapter where she talks about her struggles with prayer, she writes,

"I do not know why things shift.  I've shown up for chapel at school, and there I stand, reciting a psalm.  I must admit I have never much liked the psalms, they have never prayed easy to me. . . .  [I]n fact I have found them dull for many years and mostly an occasion for woolgathering, and then in a moment I can only call mystery, I am standing there in chapel reciting Psalm 25, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted," and the words still me―there at Morning Prayer, those words are my words; they are the most straightforward expression of anything I might ever have to say to God, or to myself.  For the space of eighteen syllables, I have, it seems, prayed. 

I leave the chapel hoping this will happen every morning now, that this is the start of my completely new and different, totally fiery relationship with the Psalter. . . .  Of course, that is not what happens.  The next morning the psalms are dull again, and I am not even really paying attention; except their dullness is enlivened slightly by the small new knowledge that once (and so maybe again someday, maybe this day) the psalms prayed me."  (65-66)

As I was reading, I appreciated how honest Winner was about her doubts.  It was also refreshing to read about a person going through a crisis of faith who continued to go to church.  The book chronicles the small things that helped Winner find her way back to faith―not the same faith she had before, but a different, more mature relationship with God.

I enjoyed this memoir very much and I hope that Winner will continue to write as her faith changes and grows.