Business Meeting Report (July)

[As part of my internship with First Friends Meeting, I am writing short reports to the monthly meeting for business.  This is my report for the July business meeting.]

I am over halfway through my 10-week internship with First Friends Meeting and I have been having a wonderful time!  Everyone has been so friendly—I feel right at home.  In my first week, I had the opportunity to travel with other Friends to the FUM Stoking the Fire conference in Ohio.  Since then, I have been able to experience many aspects of pastoral ministry, including helping Deborah with three weddings, a memorial, and two baby blessings, along with working in the office, pastoral visits, and other forms of pastoral care.  I have been working on putting people in the First Friends community into Quaker Eights groups, with the hope that these small groups will help foster community and deepen relationships in the meeting.  I enjoyed preaching at Vespers for Friends Homes (West), and I look forward to preaching during First Friends’ programmed worship.  It has also been a joy for me to join the choir.  Thank you all for being so welcoming!  I look forward to getting to know you better as the summer progresses.

Playlist III

I will be moving to Atlanta in just under a month, and I have been working on a new playlist for my ipod.  My playlists are not just a snapshot of the music I am listening to at the moment, they are one of the intuitive ways I work through challenging times.  I have posted before about playlists I made during some difficult ministry and before going to Kenya for the World Conference of Friends. 

This one is called "Something New."  Through these songs, I am trying to honor what I am leaving behind as well as where I am going.  I hope that they will help keep me grounded and give me strength and courage for what lies ahead.


Something New

The Dress Looks Nice On You, Sufjan Stevens
Wake Me Up, Avicii
Some Nights, Fun.
Pardon Me, The Blow
Skinny Love, Bon Iver
Nowhere, Massachusetts, Black Prairie
Wake Up, Arcade Fire
20 Dollar Nose Bleed, Fall Out Boy
Slips, Hymn For Her
Boom Boom, Storm Large
The Birth of Our Purpose, Jon Watts
You Are Everyone, Dar Williams
I Will Wait, Mumford & Sons
Carry On, Fun.
Fireweed Mountain, Seth Martin and the Menders
He Woke Me Up Again, Sufjan Stevens
The Only Moment We Were Alone, Explosions in the Sky
Walk Away Renee, Left Banke
Ancient Green, Kathleen Hannan
Loom, Ani DiFranco
Secret of the Easy Yoke, Pedro the Lion
Hum Hallelujah, Fall Out Boy
Your Hand in Mine, Explosions in the Sky
Banjo Lullaby, Seth Martin and the Menders
Cedar Tree, Indigo Girls
Shout Me Out, TV on the Radio
Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons
Throw Me a Curve, The Go-Go's
One More Night (Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead), Stars
There's Never Enough Time, The Postal Service
The Transfiguration, Sufjan Stevens
Jessica, Regina Spektor
What Light, Wilco
The Lord Bless You and Keep You, John Rutter
Below My Feet, Mumford & Sons
Promise, Pedro the Lion

My People

Send down the fire of your justice

Send down the rains of your love

Send down your Spirit, breathe life in your people

Make us the people of God

I have spent a lot of time over the past five years traveling among Friends, both in person and online.  I have been to evangelical, liberal, and conservative yearly meetings.  I have worshiped with Friends in meetinghouses and churches from Alaska to Nairobi.  I have read posts by Friends who are as close to me as family and by others who I have never met, but who I know to be kindred spirits.

All of this travel among Friends has been a privilege and a blessing.  It has also given me a vantage point on the Religious Society of Friends that I think is unusual.  I was reminded of that yesterday when I saw two posts online by Friends.

The first was by Becky A, who is currently serving as superintendent of Northwest Yearly Meeting.  In her post, On Our Way Rejoicing, Becky wondered what it is that Friends do together that is so worthwhile.  She proposed the following statement:

The NWYM of Friends churches are compelled to share the good news that Jesus Christ is alive and present today to teach us himself; that we identify ourselves as Friends of Jesus when we do what Jesus tells us to do individually and corporately; and that this Friendship is open to all.

The second post was by Cat C-B, entitled An Open Letter to my Christian Quaker Friends: Part 1 of 2.  In her post, Cat said,

. . .the same spiritual integrity that made me show up and keep showing up for Quaker meetings--because I was called, and I knew it--has also kept me loyal to and part of the Pagan community that formed for me a soul capable of hearing a spiritual call in the first place.  

For someone looking in from the outside, it might seem impossible that these people are part of the same religious society.  But I know better.  I have followed the ministry of both of these women for years, and I can attest that they are both faithful Friends.

It is hard for me, when I travel among Friends, to hear the ways that some Friends fear other Friends.  I wish all of you could see what I see.

We are all working so hard to be faithful.  We are trying to listen to the voice of the Spirit, however we name that divine presence.  Friends are also making a valiant effort to listen to each other across our differences, but we sometimes end up hurting each other, often through misunderstandings of the language we use.

Whenever I am with Friends, regardless of the kind of Friends, there is always a moment when I have the clear sense that these are my people.  It is not always the same—sometimes that feeling comes in open worship, other times in prayer, singing, or individual conversations.  Regardless of how it happens, I know then that these are Friends who are committed to each other and to listening to the voice of the Spirit together.

But now I am preparing to leave my Quaker bubble.  In just over a month, I will be moving to Atlanta to be a part of a different faith community: my class at Candler School of Theology, a Methodist seminary.

When I was coming back from the World Conference of Friends last year, I had a fairly long layover in the London airport.  There were several Friends around, and I ran into them a few times.  I was sitting on my own in one of the lounge areas, when I heard a clear message:

Go to the chapel to be with your people.

I shrugged and said, okay—it wasn't like I was doing anything.  I had spent time in the chapel during my layover on the way to Kenya, so I knew where it was.  I had the vague idea that I might find some other Friends in there and we could have a final meeting for worship.

But that's not who was there.

When I went into the chapel and settled into prayer, the people who joined me were:  Hasidic Jews, wrapping tefillin.  Muslims praying toward Mecca.  A young Catholic woman making her way through the Rosary.

Quakers are my people. And those are my people.  We are the people of God.

Dialogue II

Sometimes when I travel among Friends, it feels like this:

OLDER FRIENDS:  But . . . we thought you would [be on X committee, come to Y event, speak to Z issue].

ME:  Get used to disappointment.

------

Possibly related: I have had this song in pretty regular rotation on my ipod since returning from the FGC Gathering.

Blessings, Friends.

FGC Gathering: Re-Entry

Just over three weeks ago, I had a yard sale.  In preparation for my move to Atlanta in August, I sold just about anything I thought I could do without for the next few months.

On the morning of the sale, I realized that I had forgotten to include a large glass vase.  I was busy getting things ready for the sale, so I set the vase on top of a bookshelf in the dining room.

Yard Sale, photo by Alivia B

A few minutes later, when I was in another room, I heard a crash and breaking glass.  I immediately knew what had happened: one of my cats had knocked over the vase and broken it on the floor.  I ran out, locked the cats in another room, and began to pick up the pieces.  Without thinking, I started to scoop up the smaller bits of glass with my bare hands—a stupid idea, which resulted in a small shard of glass imbedding itself in the tip of my right middle finger, where it stayed.

Over the following week, I tried various methods to get the glass sliver out of my finger, to no avail.  It was painful, but invisible, and I could see that it was not infected.  I realized that I just needed to wait for the glass to naturally work its way out of my finger.

After a few days, it no longer hurt, but it was strange to know (and to be able to feel) that there was a small piece of glass in my body.  Just yesterday—three weeks after the sale and when I had nearly forgotten about it—the glass finally started to come to the surface of my fingertip.

Coincidentally (or more likely, not), yesterday was also the day I had set aside for re-entry after returning home from the FGC Gathering.  In my slowed-down, processing state, my healing finger seemed like an apt metaphor for some of the deeper healing that happened for me at the Gathering—healing of deep spiritual wounds that I didn't know I still had.

I feel like I am just starting to understand some of the healing that has taken place.  I know that I will write more about my experiences at the Gathering because I need to report back to my meeting and the Pickett Endowment, but I don't have the words quite yet.

Instead, I am working through my feelings with art and music.  I spent most of meeting yesterday creating this Venn diagram of what happened for me at the Gathering (and what did not).

Venn diagram

I have also been singing and listening to music.  If I were to choose a theme song for my time at the Gathering, it would be Storm Large's "Angels in Gas Stations," which I probably listened to close to 20 times while I was there.

Blessings, Friends.

-------

*UPDATE 7/15/13*

I did, in fact, have a lot to say about my experiences at the FGC Gathering, once I had a little more time to process.  Here are the posts I wrote about it:

FGC Gathering: Some Thoughts on Privilege

FGC Gathering: Vocal Ministry

Dialogue II

FGC Gathering: Report

Traveling Minute and Endorsements

.

Playlist II

A few days ago, I found myself making a new playlist for my ipod.  My playlists tend to be based on emotions or themes; last spring, I made one called "Ministry."  

In honor of my upcoming trip to Kenya, this one is named "home."  It has 40 songs, which seems fitting for the season.  As I was listening to it, I realized that I could have also named it "Psalms."  Like the Psalms, it covers just about every human emotion.  

I am hopeful that when I am feeling far from home, it will help remind me who I am and where I come from.

home 

Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons

You Are a Tourist, Death Cab For Cutie

Suspended In Gaffa, Ra Ra Riot

My Night with the Prostitute From Marseille, Beirut

Sing You Home, Kathleen Hannan

Rapture, Pedro the Lion

The Burden of Vision, Jon Watts

You and Me (But Mostly Me), The Book of Mormon

Romeo & Juliet, Indigo Girls

The Gin War, Cassino

Baptize Me, The Book of Mormon

The Cave, Mumford & Sons

The Soldiering Life, The Decemberists

City With No Children, Arcade Fire

Iowa (Traveling 3), Dar Williams

People, David Bazan

Our Deliverance, Indigo Girls

Stay Young, Go Dancing, Death Cab For Cutie

Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons

Unforgiven, The Go-Go's

Let's Get Naked, Jon Watts

Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains), Arcade Fire

Won't Let Go, David Bazan

Platano, Cassino

Be Thou My Vision, Alivia Biko

Some Boys, Death Cab For Cutie

I Believe, The Book of Mormon

Lifted Up, Jon Watts

Pink Triangle, Weezer

Morning has Broken, Alivia Biko

Wolves at the Door, David Bazan

The Wolves (Act I and II), Bon Iver

Wild World, Cat Stevens

Heartbeats, Jose Gonzalez

Better, Regina Spektor

An Owl with Knees, The Books

Mykonos, Fleet Foxes

America, Simon and Garfunkel

What I'm Trying to Say, Stars

God Be in My Head, John Rutter

Nakedness

As you may have heard, Jon W has a new CD out.

The album is called "Clothe Yourself in Righteousness" and is available for sale on Jon's website, along with a pamphlet about the spiritual symbolism of nakedness by Maggie H.

I have not read the pamphlet yet, but I have listened to the CD, and it is beautiful.  Jon does more than take off his clothes in this music—he bares his soul.  Jon is a poet and a prophet: he speaks the truth and is willing to be vulnerable and let the light of Christ shine through him.

Recently, a dear friend and elder wrote,

There is a cadre of Young Friends at present who are showing us older Friends how to reach across the boundaries Friends have allowed to separate us, recognizing and claiming the spiritual gifts of all kinds of Friends and knitting them together.  They are passionate in their faith, ready to sacrifice much to be witnesses for it. 

Jon is one of these Friends.  I am grateful for his faithfulness, and I encourage you to listen to his music and support him in his ministry.

Playlist

Music is very important to me when I travel in the ministry.  I love singing with Friends (Friends who sing, at least!), and from time to time, I offer singing vocal ministry.  I also find that listening to my ipod is a good way for me to get away from all of the stimulation that comes from traveling and for me to have some down time.  Sometimes when I am feeling upset or angry with God, I go for a walk and put my ipod on shuffle to see what I hear.

I tend to make playlists based on moods, and for the past few weeks I have been working on a playlist called "Ministry" (previous playlists include: "Beautiful but Sad," "Happier," and "Joy").  Some of these songs have stories that go with them, some remind me of particular people and places, some make me smile, and others just reflect how it feels for me when I am doing ministry.

It is a work in progress, like everything else.  Also, any music that makes me seem cool is there because I have good friends who give me music and because my brother, who has great taste, tells me what to listen to.

Ministry Playlist

The Wind, Cat Stevens
One Little Child, Kathleen Hannan
What Light, Wilco
Your Ex-Lover is Dead, Stars
All the Way Down, Glen Hansard
Hard to Be, David Bazan
Fidelity, Regina Spektor
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, Alivia Biko
Blackbird, The Beatles
Sing You Home, Kathleen Hannan
Family Tree, TV on the Radio
Sexyback, Justin Timberlake
Red Right Ankle, The Decemberists
Be Thou My Vision, Pedro the Lion
As Is, Ani DiFranco
It's Alright, Dar Williams
Dona Nobis Pacem, Alivia Biko
Curse Your Branches, David Bazan
One, Aimee Mann
Antichrist Television Blues, Arcade Fire
Kids, Mgmt
Samson, Regina Spektor
Neon Bible, Arcade Fire
Soul Meets Body, Death Cab for Cutie
I Am Always the One Who Calls, Pedro the Lion
Ostinato Del Caminito, Black Prairie
Let it Be, The Beatles
The Lord is My Shepherd, John Rutter
Letter From a Concerned Follower, Pedro the Lion
Disillusion, Badly Drawn Boy
Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
Let it Be Me, Indigo Girls
Ask Me Anything, Alivia Biko
Morning Has Broken, Cat Stevens
God Takes Care of the Little Things, The Boy Least Likely To

Light

I commented to a friend the other day that I think my blog is in hibernation.  This is definitely the first time I have gone for an entire month without posting since I started writing here two and a half years ago.  But at the same time, I don't feel any need to officially lay it down.  I love this blog, how it has provided a way for me to express myself to the wider world, and a place for me to go back and remember how I felt at certain times.

But I don't feel compelled to write as much right now, for several reasons.  One is that my full-time job involves a lot of writing, and I don't have much interest in writing when I get home at night.  Also, I am still catching up on reports from my travels last summer (only one to go!), so I feel like any extra writing time should go into that.  Mostly, I am still in a huge time of transition in my life.  I feel like I am settling into my new home and new job, but there are still a lot of other things changing, and that amount of change takes a lot of energy.

I have been reading a lot lately, and so I have some book recommendations to share with those who are looking for a good read.

The first is Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor.  In this lovely memoir, Taylor describes her call to become an Episcopal priest, and how she eventually had to leave the church that she loved, though not her faith in God.  She speaks honestly about her faith journey and the challenges she faced as a woman in a male-dominated profession.  I especially appreciated this quote: "A priest is a priest, no matter where she happens to be.  Her job is to recognize the holiness in things and hold them up to God.  her job is to speak in ways that help other people to recognize the holiness in things too."  She also leaves her readers with a query: What is saving your life now?

Another book that I have been enjoying is Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, by Gregg Levoy.  This one was recommended to me by Sarah P.  I am about halfway through it; there is so much in this book that I have to take it at a slower pace to absorb it all.  The chapters I have read so far have a lot to say about paying attention to the things in your life, both internal and external.  Levoy urges those who are discerning their calls to be aware of their dreams, hopes, and desires, as well as the things in life that are encouraging or seem like blocks, and he includes many good stories.

And now for something completely different: The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins.  This one was recommended by my mom.  In this young adult dystopian novel, the U.S. has fallen and Panem is in its place.  The Capitol of Panem keeps 12 districts in line by forcing them to send two teenagers as tributes each year to fight each other to the death on live television.  Although this book is much more violent than I would usually read, once I started, I couldn't put it down.  Collins has created an amazing world in this trilogy, and like all good fiction, it acts as a mirror to our culture.

I have also enjoyed all of the new Hanukkah videos I have seen recently.  Thanks to Waylon W for posting this one:

And to Mark W for sharing this one:

Blessings on everyone who is lighting candles and adding some Light during this dark time of year!

Semi-Programmed

A few months ago, a friend from an unprogrammed meeting wrote me an email.  Among other things, he asked about my experiences with semi-programmed worship.  He said,

I sense that it has "life in it" for you, and I would like to know how you experience it in contrast to how you experience unprogrammed worship.

When I visited Freedom Friends Church this past weekend, I remembered our email exchange.  The email I wrote back to him was one of the most thorough descriptions of worship at Freedom Friends I have written, and I thought I'd share  it (with a few minor changes) here.

Dear Friend,

I have been thinking about your question, what has life for me in semi-programed worship. 

At Freedom Friends Church (FFC), our programing is pretty light.  We start by singing 3-4 songs (usually accompanied by Alivia on acoustic guitar, often people will request their favorites), followed by a few minutes of centering silence.  Then the pastor, Peggy, asks Friends to share out of the silence things they are grateful for ("gratitudes").  After everyone who wants to has shared, she closes with vocal prayer, then asks Friends to share places where we need God's help ("petitions").   When that is done, she closes again with vocal prayer, then leads us into about 45 minutes of unprogrammed worship.

All of these pieces are meaningful for me.  I love to sing, and when I came to my unprogrammed meeting in Seattle, that was the part I missed most.  I have tried joining different choirs (including the Seattle Peace Chorus, which has a membership pretty similar to a liberal Friends meeting), but there is something different about singing praise to God with members of my faith community. 

The gratitudes and petitions give us a chance to share our joys and sorrows with God and with the community―we really know what is going on in each other's lives.  I frequently wish there was a place for this kind of sharing in my unprogrammed meeting in Seattle (instead, it sometimes comes out during worship). 

Some of the folks at FFC can be a little twitchy and I think the time for singing and sharing helps us focus and center and makes the waiting worship deeper.  Our pastor stresses that the format of the meeting is a spiritual practice that we can do every day, not just on Sunday morning.  We are also aware that we are all learning together, and there is a tenderness toward each other's messages that I haven't always found in other meetings.

As you can see, I can go on and on about FFC!  Although I have had many Spirit-filled experiences in unprogrammed meetings, FFC is my spiritual home.  I would be happy to talk more about it or answer any questions, either in person or by email.

With love,

Ashley

Musical Interlude III

I finally got the new Dar Williams CD from the library yesterday. This Friend speaks my mind.

I know change is a bad thing,
it breaks me down into a sorry sad thing,
not some iridescent grateful butterfly.

I resist with defiance,
not the power of a mystic silence.
I will fight the dizzy spiral of goodbye.

And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

***

It's a sad and a strange thing,
but it's time and I am changing
into something good or bad, well that's your guess.

I'm my own sovereign nation,
dedicated to a transformation,
marching on with this target on my chest.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

This one is for my Southern Alter Ego, QB, and anyone else who is going through difficult changes right now. We will make it through and be happy to look back on all of this, I am sure.

Broken

About a month ago, I started to get nervous about going to North Pacific Yearly Meeting annual session. At first, I just had a sort of general dread and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually I realized that I was worried that I would have to speak in meeting for worship and I was afraid that I would have to say hard things.

Now I feel like I had two separate experiences at the annual session. A part of me had a wonderful time. I enjoyed participating in my worship with music group, traveling with Sarah P, spending time with Friends that I don't get to see very often, and exploring the University of Montana campus. I even liked playing the Holy Spirit in the skit we did for community night, though I felt much more visible than I am usually comfortable with.

The other part of me was filled with increasing dread as the weekend progressed at the thought of having to speak.

By Sunday morning, I was in bad shape. I knew I would have to give a message during the worship that morning, but I had no idea what that would be. Worst of all, I could not feel God, not even to be angry with God. I felt desolate and prayed for words, anything to give me an idea of what I was supposed to say.

After breakfast, my worship with music group met for the final time. In this worship group, we followed a pretty typical worship sharing format, except that instead of speaking, we shared through songs. Out of the silence, one person would suggest a song that spoke to the queries or her condition. We would all sing the song together, then settle back into silence.

The worship with music group was the spiritual highlight of NPYM for me. I love singing with other people and everyone in the group was very tender with each other. But on Sunday morning, about halfway through, I couldn't go on. I moved my chair so that I could pray on my knees as the group continued to sing.

A few minutes later, a Friend began to rub my back and I started to cry. I cried because I was tired and angry. I did not want to speak in front of so many people and I still had no idea what I was supposed to say. I wanted God to find someone else, anyone else, to give whatever message I was supposed to give. I wanted to enjoy the music and the worship instead of feeling so wretched.

I felt like God took some pity on me and agreed to give me something to start with. I recently re-read A Testament of Devotion by Thomas Kelly and a particular sentence stood out to me. After my worship group ended, I ran down to the bookstore and found the book in the stacks going back to the bookstore. I wrote down the sentence I had in mind, along with the sentence before and after it.

Before the meeting, I asked a few Friends to hold me in prayer if I did have to speak. I asked two to sit on either side of me and another to sit directly across from me. As soon as I sat down, I felt a little better. I have spoken in meeting before, and sitting in the circle felt familiar. I also felt drained and resigned―I was tired of fighting with God.

We settled into worship and I could feel my message changing. Others spoke, and they reminded me of the love of Christ and how that is the center of our faith. Finally, I felt a leading to speak. The chair in front of me was empty, so I held on to the back of it and said,

In the past month, I have asked Friends for a lot of money. I have asked for over $6,000 and I have gotten most of it. I filled out two scholarship applications to be here and I got most of that money too, which was good because otherwise I would not have been able to come.

In A Testament of Devotion, Thomas Kelly wrote, "We have mistaken the nature of poverty, and thought it was economic poverty."

I am grateful to Friends for your money―it makes it possible for me to do my ministry.

He also said, "The deepest need of men is not food and clothing and shelter, important as they are. It is God."

Our service is to turn others toward God, in whatever language you use. To turn others toward the Divine, toward the Light, toward Christ, toward Love. That is our service. And I wonder what our lives would look like if we knew it.

I sat back down and wept as the Friends on either side of me held my hands. I heard some messages responding to what I had said, but they rolled off of me. I felt like a burden had been lifted from me and although I was still tired and weak, I felt like I had been faithful.

As difficult as that was, knowing that I had a message to give in advance helped me to ask for the support I needed. After the rise of meeting, many Friends approached me and said that they appreciated my message and that it spoke to them in surprisingly different ways. I am glad that the message spoke to them, but I still don't understand why it had to come from me.

Later that day, I got a ride back to Seattle with Friends. I returned to my ordinary life, tired and disoriented.

I talked about my experience of speaking in worship with a friend on the bus yesterday. I commented that I was still fighting with God. She laughed at me kindly and said, "You know God's going to win. You could surrender now and save yourself some trouble." I know. But I'm not ready yet.

Sermonizing II

When I was thinking about why I am uncomfortable with the word sermon, this thought came out of nowhere: Girls Don't Preach. I thought, Seriously? Is that what this is all about? It's amazing how certain verses that have never been used against me can still haunt my subconscious, just waiting for the right moment to jump out and make me wonder how they were there the whole time.

To begin with, I know that women preach. I spent the last weekend at the house of a great example. In fact, most of the pastors I know are women. And although my upbringing was fairly conservative Christian, I also come from a family of independent, self-sufficient women. Not to mention the fact that I have no trouble ignoring other biblical injunctions (the kosher rules and condemnation of homosexuality, for example). So why do I feel constrained by a few verses about women?

I decided to take a second look at the verses that are most frequently cited to keep women out of leadership roles, 1 Corinthians 14:34-35. It turns out, in the Message translation, the passage doesn't even apply to me:

Wives must not disrupt worship, talking when they should be listening, asking questions that could more appropriately be asked of their husbands at home. God's Book of the law guides our manners and customs here. Wives have no license to use the time of worship for unwarranted speaking.

Last time I checked, I wasn't married, so no big deal, right? Of course, I had to look at the version from my youth, the NIV:

Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

That seemed more familiar. But again, I do not have a husband at home to inquire about anything.

More importantly, it is clear that I do not follow the letter of this rule, let alone the spirit. I don't feel led to speak often in meeting, but when I do, I don't stay silent! And the verses really don't say anything about writing sermons on a blog.

It worries me that I can let a few verses that I don't even really remember hold me back from doing something I feel led to do. I am also frustrated that there are many churches, even young, growing churches in the city where I live, that would not allow women to preach based on these words.

Earlier this week, I watched our new president being sworn into office. I had tears of joy in my eyes as I witnessed that historic event, but I also have to admit that I cringed a little whenever anyone mentioned that this is the first African-American president. I know it's true, but for some reason I don't want anyone to say it.

I think part of my negative response is because I know that if we acknowledge the racism and sexism that still exist in our culture, that means we have to do the work to fix it. I don't want our new president to have to bear the burden of being the first African-American president. On a much smaller scale, I don't want to have to do the work of proving that I have something Spirit-led to say, even though I am a woman.

But all of this has to do with how other people see me, not how God sees me. I sometimes hear the voice of God in the most unlikely places. For example, in lyrics by Ani DiFranco:

i got no illusions about you
guess what
i never did
when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant
i meant as is

God knew who I was when she made me. If God gives me messages for other people, I figure she knows what she's doing. And in looking up these verses, I found a command that speaks to my condition: "When you speak forth God's truth, speak your heart out." (1 Corinth. 14:39). I am going to try.

Joy to the World

When I was in Anchorage over the summer, my sister Rachel asked me which fruit of the spirit I was working on. Without even having to think about it, I responded, "Joy." For a few years, I was actively working on peace―trying to figure out what I think peace means, and what it would look like to have real peace instead of just avoiding conflicts. I don't know that I really answered either of those questions, but now I am asking them about joy.

A couple months ago, I listened to a Joyce Meyer podcast about the fruit of the spirit that really caught my attention. She said that whatever you pray for, that's what will be tested. She was specifically talking about patience, but I knew as soon as I heard her that this would apply to any of them. Since I had already been praying for joy for a few months by then, I was a little worried about what testing my joy might look like.

Turns out, it looks like pneumonia, financial crises (both in the country and personal), political scandal in my home state, a frustrating job search, and a lot of feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm not saying that my prayers are somehow responsible for all of those things, but it has been a little difficult to work on joy in the midst of them.

And yet, there is joy. I have been grateful for so many things this week. The retreat at University Friends Meeting on Saturday went so much better than I could ever have hoped, and I can feel the excitement in the air there about the Year of Discernment.

Last night, I met with my clearness committee again and I am having trouble finding words to describe how wonderful that was. At one point during the clearness committee, a Friend suggested that an experience I had was an example of way opening. As soon as she said it, I had the indescribable feeling that I get when way opens, and I feel led to the next clear step. It was so helpful to be reminded of that feeling because I feel like so much of what I have been doing lately has been because I feel like I have to, not because I feel led.

I am also grateful that I got a chance to talk to Alivia last night. I have been sorely missing music in my life lately, and I was excited to tell her that I am planning on joining a Christmas choir. When I told her, she said that it was good for me to get some music back into the mix, but asked what was I planning on giving up. I knew immediately what needed to go, a committee that has felt wrong for me from the beginning. This morning, I sent an email explaining that I did not feel called to that particular ministry at this time. It felt very good.

I know that the fruit of the spirit is not something that I can force. But I believe that if I am faithful and follow where God leads me, the fruit of the spirit will come. I am also working on letting go of things, including my ideas of what I should be doing. For now, Cat Stevens speaks to my condition:

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never

Why I Own a Banjo

After I graduated from college, many people asked me what I had majored in. When I told them I had a degree in literature, their next question was, "Well, what are you planning to do with that?" Much to my parents' chagrin, I did not tell them that I was planning to go to law school (which was true, but still a year away). Instead I said, "Work in a music store." They would laugh, having confirmed their belief that I had a useless degree.

Part of the reason I highlighted the music store plan was because I felt the need to lower everyone's expectations. I also really wanted to separate my literature degree from my law school plans. I did not major in literature with any intention of going to law school; I chose that major because I love literature. It wasn't until I was a senior in college and realized that I could probably do more good in the world as a lawyer than a literature professor that I decided to give law school a try.

Taking a year off and working in a music store was one of the best decisions I ever made. I worked at Tupper & Reed music on Shattuck Avenue in Berkeley, along with other college graduates who had majored in humanities or music and were trying to figure out what to do next. Imagine the characters in High Fidelity, only younger, dirtier, and more frequently high.

I learned some interesting lessons between tuning violins and writing inventory orders. First, I discovered that I had a natural gift for selling pianos (particularly grand pianos). This was especially strange because although I have played the violin since I was five, I couldn't name a single note on the piano keyboard, much less play anything. I also learned that most people who walk into a music store regret they stopped playing an instrument at some point in their life.

I think my recognition of this longing to return to an instrument was my secret to selling so many pianos. Customers wanted music in their lives, especially music that they or their children played. Unlike other instruments, you can't really tuck a piano into a corner or under a bed. Having a piano in your home shows that you are committed to playing music.

When business was slow, we would teach each other how to play instruments. Between us, we had experts on trumpet, flute, percussion, voice, violin, guitar, bass, trombone, embira, and piano. Most employees played more than one instrument and several supplemented their income by teaching students. We also got a really good discount, so we spent a large portion of our paychecks on new instruments that we were trying to learn (hence the banjo).

I recently heard a music teacher bemoaning the fact that parents put their children in music lessons just so that they will be well-rounded. I was thinking about this later and realized that I think that is fine. It doesn't matter why parents want their children to play, the important thing is that they are exposed to music and have a chance to decide whether they want to pursue it. Although I will never be a professional violinist, I am so grateful for all the friends I have made over the years by playing in orchestras. And I feel blessed to have been a part of beautiful music.

In reading through the Bible, I have made it to Solomon. Before re-reading these chapters, I remembered that Solomon was wise, but this passage took me by surprise:

"God gave Solomon wisdom―the deepest of understanding and the largest of hearts . . . He created 3,000 proverbs; his songs added up to 1,005. He knew all about plants, from the huge cedar that grows in Lebanon to the tiny hyssop that grows in the cracks of a wall. He understood everything about animals and birds, reptiles and fish. Sent by kings from all over the earth who had heard of his reputation, people came from far and near to listen to the wisdom of Solomon." (I Kings 4:29-34).

Here is the wisest king of Israel, and he demonstrates his wisdom is writing poems, singing songs, and learning about plants and animals. I believe this is true wisdom and I hope we have not completely lost sight of it.