Recorded Minister Report for 2015

My soul waits for the Lord
more than those who watch for the morning.
Psalm 130:6

Looking back over this year, it is helpful for me to separate it into three seasons.  In the spring, I finished my second year of Contextual Education through Candler—eight hours a week of being involved in the life of Atlanta Friends Meeting.  My main focus was on the meeting’s Gathered Meeting Retreat, which took place the last weekend of March.  The theme was “How Friends Worship.”  I was glad to have the opportunity to lead this retreat; it felt like a good use of my gifts.  I continued to facilitate monthly mid-week worship at Candler.  I also served on various committees at Atlanta Friends Meeting, including the Worship and Ministry committee, an anchoring committee, and clearness and wedding committees.  I finished my time as the chaplain of Sacred Worth (the LGBTQ Candler student group), and helped organize the Sacred Worth week on Trans*forming Christianity, where we celebrated the gifts of trans Christians.

Over the summer, I worked for ten weeks as the pastoral intern of First Friends Meeting, an FUM meeting in Greensboro, NC.  I was able to experience many aspects of pastoral ministry, including helping with four weddings, a memorial, and two baby blessings. I also

preached in programmed worship, worked in the office, went on pastoral visits, and organized Quaker Eights groups.  I was surprised by how much I enjoyed pastoral ministry, and how it brings together my gifts of vocal ministry, pastoral care, and administration.  It was also wonderful to connect with Friends from other meetings during my time in Greensboro.

In the fall, I returned to Atlanta for my final year at Candler.  Now that I have finished my Contextual Education obligations in the meeting, this has been a good time for me to discern what I feel called to do and what to let go.  I joined the Friends Journal Board of Trustees and traveled to Philadelphia for my first board meeting.  I took some interesting and challenging classes, including Ecclesiology, which gave me an opportunity to think about Friends’ practices and structures, and a class on Religion, Sexuality, and Reproductive Health, which was cross-listed with Emory’s school of public health.  I experienced a lot of changes in my life: I started a new relationship, had to leave my apartment, and I got a car.  The changes have been mostly very good, but I am still adjusting.

Letting things go has continued to be a good spiritual practice for me.  I withdrew from a class this year for the first time in my academic career, and I am not planning on taking the second semester of Hebrew; instead, I plan to focus on my thesis.  My support network is

good: I meet monthly with a spiritual director and am part of a spiritual nurture group that

meets twice a month.  I met regularly with members of my anchoring committee in the spring, but have not been as consistent this past fall.  I have found self-care practices that work for me, including exercise, drawing and coloring mandalas, and singing in choirs, and I have recently started playing more board games.

Looking ahead, the biggest thing on the horizon is graduation in May.  I am actively seeking employment for after graduation.  In December, I spent a weekend interviewing and preaching for a semi-programmed FUM meeting that is looking for a full-time pastor.  The search committee and I are in discernment, and I should know more in January.  I feel like my classes this semester are preparing me for pastoral ministry: I am taking classes on Conflict Transformation, Preaching, and a practica on Weddings, Funerals, and Confirmation.  I am trying to be open and embrace the new things ahead in the coming year.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Seven Years

Today marks seven years since I started this blog.  That's kind of hard for me to believe.  Seven years ago, I was a brand new lawyer, living in Seattle, working for a court.  Since then, I have moved several times, left the law (mostly) behind, and started seminary.  When I began writing here, I had no idea that within a few months I would start years of traveling ministry among Friends or that I would eventually be recorded as a minister.  I just knew that I had to write.

Over the years, I have used my blog for different purposes.  It has often been a way for me to tell those I love who live far away what I am doing.  Sometimes I have responded to something specific that is happening in Friends or the culture.  I have shared traveling minutes and annual reports.  Recently, it has been a place to post some of the writing I am doing for school and my reflections on being a Quaker at Candler School of Theology.

Writing here led to writing elsewhere.  Pieces of mine have been featured in four Quaker anthologies (Writing Cheerfully on the Web, Enlivened by the Mystery, Spirit Rising, and An Inner Strength), as well as in Friends Journal and Western Friend.  A lot of that writing appeared here first.  The blog itself has been a useful archive for my writing over time.  When Friends ask for resources on particular topics, like vocal ministry, eldering, or the recording process, I can point them to posts I have written over the years.

One thing I did not expect when I started blogging was the people I would meet through it.  Some of my dear friends and peers in ministry are people that I first met online, because we read each others' posts.  The Quaker blogosphere has changed a lot since I first started—back then, we used to follow each others' blogs and comment on posts; now, most of those conversations happens on social media.  I am grateful for the online community that I found and the relationships that have strengthened over time.

Even though I do not write as much as I once did, I am glad to have this small online platform when I do have something to say.  The quote in my header has challenged me to look at "the nature of all things"—the good and the bad—and face those things head on.  I am thankful for all of the people who have read and commented, online and in person.  These conversations have been encouraging and helped to keep me accountable as I continue on this quest.

Recorded Minister Report for 2014

“But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”  Jeremiah 29:7.

A lot of my ministry this year has been connected to Candler School of Theology, where I am halfway through the three-year M.Div. program.  I completed my second semester of contextual education working as a chaplain intern at Lee Arrendale State Prison in the spring semester.  It was good and challenging work.  A highlight for me was leading music at a Good Friday service with two of the women in prison. 

I am doing my second year of contextual education in Atlanta Friends Meeting.  I spend eight hours a week focusing on five areas of ministry: administration, liturgy (worship and preaching), mission and outreach, pastoral calling and congregational care, and teaching.  These categories do not always fit exactly in the context of an unprogrammed Friends meeting, but I have been able to find ways to engage with the meeting in each area.  For example, I am on the Ministry and Worship committee, I started a monthly meeting for worship at Candler, and I facilitated a panel on sexuality and Quaker identity.  I have also enjoyed providing pastoral care for some of the youngest Friends in the meeting.

At school, I am serving as the chaplain of Sacred Worth (Candler’s student group for LGBTQ students and allies).  As chaplain, I am on the executive board and I hold office hours and have a confidential email.  I enjoy meeting with people and helping to build this community within Candler.  In the fall semester, I was a discussion leader for Early Church History, which felt like another opportunity to provide pastoral care for seminary students.

As the only Quaker at Candler I find myself representing Friends often.  In the past year, I have taken a number of classes that have helped me discern my direction in ministry and have given me tools for the work ahead, including Nonprofit Leadership and Management, Sexuality in the Bible, and Discernment for a Sustained Life of Ministry.  I especially enjoyed my Preaching in a Secular Age class this past fall, where I was able to give a message out of open worship in the manner of Friends, working with an elder.

I also had the opportunity to travel quite a bit this year.  In February, I spent a long weekend in Philadelphia observing a Friends Journal board meeting.  While I was there, I got to spend time with several Friends and Jon W interviewed me for the QuakerSpeak project (I was featured in the QuakerSpeak video “Quakers and Women in Ministry” and a Friends Journal video on my recording process).  In April, I gave the Friday night message for Friends World Committee for Consultation’s Living Waters Consultation in High Point, NC.  It was a joy to work with Deborah S as my elder and I felt very supported and welcomed by Friends there.

I spent the summer living with my parents in Anchorage, working at a law firm.  It was great to be able to spend time with my family there, especially my nieces and nephew and grandparents.  In June, I visited Washington and Oregon for a few weeks, and was able to see many f/Friends and family.  At the end of the trip, I went to the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women’s Theology Conference, where I led a workshop on prayer.  Later in the summer, I visited Friends in Fairbanks and worshiped with Chena Ridge Friends Meeting.  I also worshiped with Anchorage Friends Meeting.  On my way back to Atlanta in August, I visited family in Oakland.  In October, I visited Friends in Nashville and attended North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative) Interim Body Meeting.  Although it was wonderful to see friends and family in all of these places, I was aware that, no matter where I go, I will be far from people I love.

I published an article in the March issue of Friends Journal called “Sending Forth: The Importance of Financial Support in Ministry.”  I have also continued posting on my blog, though most of my writing this year has been for class assignments.

My self-care this year has been good.  I see a spiritual director and a therapist regularly, and I have an anchoring committee through Atlanta Friends Meeting that is currently serving as my site supervisors for contextual education.  Over spring break, I went on a silent retreat at Green Bough House of Prayer.  One of my favorite things this year has been monthly gatherings for Atlanta Beer and Hymns (recently featured on Fox News!).  I have continued spiritual practices of prayer, reading the Bible, and exercise, and added drawing and coloring mandalas.

Looking ahead, I am planning to lead the Atlanta Friends Meeting Gathered Meeting Retreat in March.  I also hope to spend the summer in Greensboro, NC, as an intern with First Friends Meeting.  I am aware that I have been moving a lot and I am often on the edges of various groups, and I am feeling ready to find a place to settle for a while after I finish school.  I am grateful to Friends at Freedom Friends Church and Atlanta Friends Meeting for your support for my ministry, as well as the support and prayers I receive from so many others.

Don't Tell Me to Smile

I got into an extended conversation yesterday on Facebook about street harassment. I mentioned that I have had some recent experiences with men (yes, grown men) yelling at me from cars. I added, "And don't even get me started on men telling me to smile."

A man who I know to be kind and thoughtful asked what was wrong with telling a woman to smile. The following is a slightly edited version of my response:

Thanks for the question! When I said don't get me started, it's because I have so much to say about this. I am happy to respond and point you toward some other sources.

Men telling women to smile is a problem for a lot of reasons. One is that if I am not smiling in a public place, I might have a good reason. Maybe my sister is in the hospital, or I just got fired, or I was just thinking about something.

But when a man I don't know tells me to smile, I have to stop thinking about whatever it was I was thinking about and engage him. I have to either smile for him, even if I don't want to, or I have to refuse. I have to decide how badly he might respond. Will he get mad? Is it possible he could attack me?

In the end, it is a form of body control. It reinforces the idea that I am not out in public for myself, but to be pretty for men. It may seem like a small thing, but when it happens often, it is pretty demoralizing.

In sum, strangers are not entitled to my body, my time, or my attention.

My friend, Monika T, added:

The thing is, telling someone to smile is telling them what to do and how to feel. And you would be astounded how many men regard women that way. Its insidious and pervasive. Every time I go into the city, I have to devote some of my mental energy and focus to assessing who might harass me, and how they might react if I push back. This happens often if not always on my way to class, when I have better things to be thinking about.

 There are some wonderful videos illustrating how ridiculous and awful telling women to smile is, such as this one called Smile, and this one from Stop Telling Women to Smile:



This morning, I saw that I was not the only one thinking or writing about this issue yesterday!  Here is a wonderful article about street harassment: You're a Good-Looking Girl . . . I Want to Attack You.  Cameron Esposito sums it up well:

I do not care if you think I am beautiful. Your feedback or evaluation isn’t needed. I also do not care if you think I am not beautiful. Your feedback or evaluation isn’t needed there either.

I am grateful for the men who engaged in this conversation.  If men are concerned about this issue and looking for ways to help, here are 35 Practical Steps Men Can Take to Support Feminism.

FGC Gathering: Report

Report on the FGC Gathering

June 30 – July 6, 2013, Greeley, Colorado

At the Growing Edges of our Faith 

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.”  Psalm 16:6.

I did a variety of ministry while at the FGC Gathering, but my primary focus was on the workshop I led, “Convergent Friends: Worship and Conversation.”  This workshop took place over five days, meeting each day from 9:00 to 11:45 a.m.  Considering the context, the participants were quite diverse.  Twelve Friends registered in advance; another joined partway through and two were drawn away after the first few days by outside circumstances.  The Friends ranged in age from 18 to 92.  Most were from liberal, unprogrammed meetings, but one was from an Evangelical meeting in Bolivia and another was from a Conservative yearly meeting.  The participants were pretty evenly split between men and women, and we had varied levels of physical ability.

One of the gifts of doing this ministry was working with Aimee McAdams.  Aimee had eldered for me a few times at the World Conference of Friends last year, but this was her first experience traveling in the ministry as an elder.  It was a joy to see her growing in her gifts.  Each morning before the workshop, Aimee and I spent time in worship together.  That helped us connect with each other and be grounded for our work.  It became clear early on that we perceive the world in very different ways, which required us to be clear in communicating what we saw and felt.  We naturally split the work in the workshop, often with me paying attention to the group as a whole and Aimee tending to individuals who needed a little extra attention.  There was a high level of trust between us, in part based on the fact that we have a similar understanding of how God is present and at work in the world.  Working with Aimee was a pleasure, and I hope to have the opportunity to work together again. 

Leading the workshop was a growing experience for me.  Overall, I feel very good about it, but there were unexpected challenges.  Going in, I was a little nervous about the length; I had never led a week-long workshop before.  However, I felt pretty confident about the content.  With very few exceptions, I had successfully led all of the exercises in workshops in the past.  One thing I remembered as the week progressed is that every group is different―just because one activity was popular or meaningful in the past does not mean it will have the same impact this time.  Likewise, some things that had not been as meaningful in previous workshops took on new life.  This helped me learn to stay flexible and temper my expectations.  I heard feedback throughout the week that Friends found the workshop “gently challenging.”  I encouraged participants to stay with things that were uncomfortable, but to stop if something felt wrong.  

There were two main challenges that arose for Aimee and me as leaders.  The first was that we had a newcomer on the third day.  I had specifically asked the conference organizers not to allow anyone to take my workshop part-time, but I think this person changed workshops at the last possible moment on Tuesday.  The person was a fine addition to the group, but it was challenging for me because having a new person at that point changed the group dynamics and the new person did not know what we had done the previous two days.

The second challenge also involved an individual in the workshop.  I tried to be clear about my plans and expectations for the workshop, both in my written description of the workshop and in a schedule that was posted on the board all week.  I was intentional about the flow of the workshop, with more content and full-group activities in the beginning and more spaciousness and small-group activities as we got closer to the end.  I also decided to have Friends meet in the same small groups for the entire week.  In my experience, I have found that meeting in the same small group builds a level of trust and sharing that does not occur when the groups change each time.

The participant that I found challenging first approached me after the second day of the workshop.  He said that he had a lot of experience leading workshops and suggested that, instead of meeting in the same small groups, we change them.  He also informed me that his meeting was involved in the recent Indiana Yearly Meeting split, and offered to share those experiences with the group.  In retrospect, I should have said that the workshop was not the place for that discussion, but instead I just said that I would wait and see if there would be time for it.

About halfway through the final day of the workshop, we reached an impasse.  The group had finished one activity and I was about to introduce the next one, when the Friend said that he wanted to speak.  I tried to engage him individually, but it was clear that he wanted everyone to hear.  He then said that he had thought we were going to talk about the Indiana Yearly Meeting split, and he felt like we should take the time to do that.  Another Friend said he wanted to talk about some of the other large issues Friends face today, and a third said she wanted to talk about the issues the plenary speaker had raised the previous evening.

This was a hard moment for me because I knew that, no matter what I did, some people would be disappointed.  I listened to the Friends’ concerns, but Aimee and I were both very clear that we needed to follow the plan we had discerned in advance.  I suggested that, if Friends felt the workshop had not met their expectations, they share that in the written evaluations.  I can’t say for sure, of course, but my sense was that there was something about me or my leadership style that seemed particularly challenging to the individual who approached me.

I am happy to say that, during my time at the FGC Gathering, my self-care was the best it has ever been.  As is often the case when I do traveling ministry, I had trouble eating and sleeping.  It was a gift for me, however, to have so many people present who know me extremely well, including my former housemate, people from my School of the Spirit K-group, and members of my School of the Spirit care committee.  They were able to gently reflect back when I was acting tired or giddy.  I did yoga every morning, took breaks when I needed them, and went to the healing center twice for energy work.

One thing I was very aware of and had a hard time with was my rising level of "Quaker celebrity."  It felt like a lot of people knew who I was, either because they had read something I had written or heard about me some other way.  I felt like a lot of them wanted something from me, and I struggled with that feeling of fame and others' expectations.  It got to the point where I was carrying around a disguise (a hat and sunglasses), so I could escape when I felt like I needed to.  I have the sense that this will be an ongoing challenge for me.

Since returning home, I have tried to be very intentional and transparent about my process.  I was grateful that the gathering ended on Saturday, so I could take Sunday for re-entry.  I spent the morning in worship, creating a Venn diagram of my experience of the Gathering: preparation, what I thought I would do, what I did, and what I see coming out of it.  I have also written blog posts reflecting on re-entry and some of the themes I saw emerging at the Gathering, including privilege and vocal ministry.

I am grateful to all of the individuals and groups who made this ministry possible financially:  The Pickett Endowment, for its grant (and Lloyd Lee Wilson for nominating me); Friends General Conference, for the workgrant and travel grant; and Freedom Friends Church, for its scholarship.  I am also grateful to Freedom Friends Church for its spiritual support and traveling minute.  Thanks to everyone who was praying for me and who helped me to process my experiences both during and after the FGC Gathering.  And thanks, most of all, to God, for being with me every step of the way.

Ashley Wilcox 

July 14, 2013

Five Years

I realized a couple days ago that I had missed my blog's fifth birthday.  (Actually, I posted on it, but not about that.)  I wrote my first post for this blog on April 29, 2008, so today it is five years and five days old.  That's a long time!  

So, in honor of five years of blogging, I am going to list the top five most popular posts.  I don't have reliable stats to back this up, but I'm pretty sure these ones have gotten more hits than the rest.

Joyful Alaskan Friends:  A description of visiting Anchorage Friends Meeting and Anchorage Friends Church in August 2008.  (This post still gets regular hits from people looking for Friends in Alaska.)

Voice:  A post about finding my voice during a School of the Spirit residency.

Dialogue:  A satirical script about miscommunication between young adult Friends and older Friends while traveling in the ministry.

Another Way (LGBT):  Some reflections on the Bible and sexuality after returning from the Sixth World Conference of Friends.

The Cost of Traveling Ministry:  A budget of the expenses and financial aid for a trip I made last summer traveling in the ministry.

A lot has changed over the past five years, but a lot has stayed the same too.  I am still a member of Freedom Friends Church and I still share my home with two orange cats.

And I am still grateful.

I am grateful to everyone who has read my blog over the years: Friends, non-Friends, and ex-Friends, Christians, Pagans, Jews, and atheists.  Thank you for your comments, emails, prayers, and support.  Thank you for sharing what I have written and for letting me know when I have missed the mark.  Thank you for introducing me to Friends around the world who continue to challenge me with your writing and your faithfulness.  

Thank you.

Seminary Update

Yesterday morning, I sent in my acceptance to Candler School of Theology, letting them know that I will be enrolling in their Master of Divinity program in the fall.  After visiting all of the schools I was considering, Candler was the clear choice for me.  I am excited about both the school and the community of Friends in Atlanta.  Thank you to all of you who were holding me in prayer during this time of discernment.  I could write more, but I'm still pretty jet-lagged, so I think I'll just post some pictures of where I will be in August!

The entrance to Emory University

The theology library

Christina R, one of my wonderful hosts, giving me an unofficial tour

Outside the chapel

Inside the chapel

Inside the chapel

The theology library

Report on Visiting NCYM-C

Report on Visiting North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative)

Radical Hospitality: Cherishing the Old, Attending the New

July 12-15, 2012, Greensboro, NC

I visited North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative) annual sessions, which took place July 12-15, 2012.  I arrived in Greensboro the evening of July 10 and spent the night at Jan and Charlie A’s farm.  The next day, Jan and I went to Guilford College to check in for annual sessions and attend worship under the care of yearly meeting Ministry and Oversight and the open meeting of Ministry and Oversight.  The registrar reported that over the course of the annual sessions, 47 members of NCYM-C attended, along with 27 visitors.

Responses to the queries

NCYM-C is structured so that the majority of decisions are made at the monthly meeting level.  For example, each monthly meeting decides whether to record ministers and elders―some do and some do not.  A large part of the business sessions was spent hearing from the monthly meetings.  Representatives read the state of the meeting reports and responses to the queries.  The query responses showed the diversity within the yearly meeting.  I was impressed by the honest responses to the queries and how Friends in NCYM-C can hold a variety of positions but still be within the same yearly meeting.

One of the highlights for me was the Bible study, which took place each day for 45 minutes after breakfast.  The theme was “Radical Hospitality,” and Deborah S did a wonderful job of embodying that theme.  After welcoming everyone, she read the Bible passages for the day twice and asked us to settle into worship.  Then we divided into pairs to reflect on what arose for us in the passages.  Finally, we shared in the full group.  I appreciated Deborah’s instructions to listen for what was new in the passages that were familiar, and her focus on the heart instead of the head.  It was also a lovely way to get to know people in the yearly meeting better as I shared with different partners each day.

Me and Deborah S

I enjoyed reading the part of Anna in Charley B’s play “The Call” again.  It was a lot of fun to do the play with School of the Spirit classmates, and the Friends from NCYM-C who joined us were very enthusiastic.  I am grateful for Charley’s work; her play raises a lot of the issues that come up around young adult Friends traveling in the ministry, but it does so in a non-confrontational way.  The reading generated good conversation about traveling ministry and hospitality.

I had the sense as I went to the yearly meeting that I was just supposed to be available.  That was helpful for me because it allowed me to say no to anything that felt like it would get in the way of being available.  I felt very present in the moment, and glad that I could be free for opportunities for conversation and worship.  I also felt good about my level of self-care.  Although I attended many of the business meetings, I did not feel the need to be present for all of them, and I took naps and other breaks.

Usually when I travel, I am very specific about finding an elder ahead of time.  Even though there were many people at the annual sessions who have served in that role for me before and I think would have been happy to do so again, I didn't ask anyone.  As a Friend there noted, there were a lot of folks there who had my back.

Plain Friends and technology

I had the opportunity to connect with Friends from different branches, both in the annual sessions and otherwise.  It was good to see several friends from North Carolina Yearly Meeting (FUM).  I was amused by how people from both yearly meetings were interested in the “other” Friends―they live in the same state, it seems like it would be easy for them to talk directly to each other instead of talking to me!  (And to be fair, some of them do.)  I was glad to be able to be a bridge between different kinds of Friends.

One of the issues that came up in a variety of ways during annual sessions was how to support ministers and elders.  Ministry and Oversight scheduled a time for recorded ministers and elders to meet for mutual support.  Meetings that do not record ministers are considering other ways to name and support spiritual gifts.  And I had several conversations with people about ways to support ministry spiritually and financially.  I felt very supported while I was there and many people wished me well in my ministry.

I am grateful for the travel grant from FWCC that made this travel in the ministry possible, for NCYM-C’s hospitality and a scholarship to cover my registration, for Freedom Friends Church providing me with love, support, a traveling minute, and a clearness committee, and for all of the Friends who were praying for me and who welcomed me.  Our time together was blessed, and I hope to spend more time with Friends in North Carolina in the future.

Here, Again

The days after getting home from traveling ministry can be a little rough, filled with emotional, spiritual, and physical highs and lows.  I have done this enough times now (and enough times recently!) to know that this too shall pass.  

When I lived in Seattle, my roommate had a magnet on our refrigerator that said, 

"Avoid making irrevocable decisions when tired or hungry." Robert A. Heinlein

Without fail, I am extremely tired and hungry after traveling ministry. So even if the ministry brought up things that I think I should act on, I try not to do so until I feel a little less tired and hungry.  Instead, I eat red meat, get lots of sleep, and try to find my balance.

I got home from North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative) on Sunday night, at what my body was telling me was 2am.  Fortunately, my boss is flexible and I have plenty of sick leave saved up, so I was able to take Monday as a recovery day.  That meant a lot of sleeping, eating, and waiting for my soul to catch up with my body.

I find that I often write lists in my journal while traveling and immediately afterward―half-formed ideas that I want to explore later, or things I don't want to forget but do not have time to work out completely at the time.  Many of these turn into blog posts or articles later, or work their way into my ministry in other ways.

On Monday, I opened my journal to write another list and laughed as a variety of gifts from my time at annual sessions fell out―a postcard, a poem, photos, and a Bible verse.  I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the gifts I received from Friends while visiting NCYM-C.

These physical gifts seemed to symbolize all the other gifts I received while I was there: hospitality, rides, opportunities for deep worship and enlivening conversation, a good meal, and so much more.  

I am also grateful to Friends World Committee for Consultation for giving me a travel grant that made it possible for me to go in the first place, and to Freedom Friends Church for sending me (again) with love and a traveling minute.

I will be meeting with a clearness committee soon to debrief and I know that I will have much more to say about my time with Friends in North Carolina in my official report and otherwise.  But for now, I just want to say thank you.

Vocal Ministry

I usually know ahead of time when I am going to give a message in open worship.  Occasionally a message will come to me in the middle of worship, but more often, I have some advance warning.  This can be as much as a month in advance or just a few hours.  

When I first wrote here about knowing that I would have to give a message in meeting, a Friend asked why I was so certain I would have to speak.  My immediate response (not what I wrote) was that I knew because I felt terrible.  What I actually wrote was that I have spoken in meeting enough times to be able to recognize certain physical signs when it is likely that I will have to speak.  All of those things―my heart racing, a tightness in my stomach, difficulty breathing, and shaking―happen when I get a message ahead of time, they just last much longer.

Sometimes I will know that I am going to speak because a certain word, phrase, or image comes into focus, like a pinpoint of light, and that is all I can see.  Other times, I feel like I have the message in its entirety, but a clear sense that now is not the time to give it.  The hardest thing for me is having the feeling that I will give a message, but no words―no sense of what that message will be.  Trying to figure out the content of the message just makes things worse.

The benefit to knowing that I will be giving a message in advance is that it gives me time to prepare.  I can look up Bible verses or quotes so that they are ready, and I have time to find support in the form of an elder to ground me, information about the schedule, or water and a snack to keep me going.  Sometimes I write down a few notes.

The downside is that I have time to freak out and question everything.  Just before worship is usually when what Jane Fenn Hoskens called "the reasoner" shows up.  Call it what you will―the forces of darkness or my own insecurities―this is the voice that tells me that I do not have a message and that I never have.  It says that I am delusional and self-aggrandizing―what makes me think I am so special that God would speak through me?

This voice is very convincing for a while, but one thing I have learned is that it makes mistakes and goes too far.  Eventually, it will say something like, "You know God isn't real."  And that makes me laugh.  Because I know that God is real and that the voice is desperate.  This helps me to find my center again and focus on the task at hand: delivering the message.

Then, finally, it is time to give the message.  I am always surprised by the messages I give.  Even when I think I know what the message will be, it changes.  Sometimes the messages that come before it shape my message.  Other times, I am led in a different direction than I expected as I am speaking.  I try to leave space before and after I speak, to make sure that I am following my guide.

Afterward, I almost always feel better.  It is a relief to have given the message.  I usually feel tired and vulnerable, and very hungry and thirsty―empty in every respect.  I feel both terrified that I will have to do it again and terrified that I will never be asked do it again.  

It is an awesome thing to speak on behalf of God, and I am grateful to be a part of a faith community that believes that we can.

FWCC World Conference Report

Report on the FWCC World Conference of Friends
April 17-25, 2012, Kabarak University, Kenya
Being Salt and Light: Friends living the Kingdom of God in a broken world
www.saltandlight2012.org

“You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.”  Matthew 5:14.

Pastor Judith bringing the message

 I arrived in Kenya on April 12 and spent my first five days there on a pre-conference tour of Nairobi with Friends from several countries.  As part of the tour, we visited a number of Friends churches in Nairobi Yearly Meeting.  The Kenyan Friends we met were overwhelmingly kind, welcoming, and hospitable.  A highlight for me was meeting Pastor Judith and visiting her meeting, Nairobi West Friends Church.  After their energetic, programmed worship, Pastor Judith invited me into her home, and the Friends there would not let us leave until after we had enjoyed soda and peanuts.  Another highlight was seeing the animals (and getting stuck in the mud) in Nairobi National Park.  The members of my tour bonded by singing songs about salt and light in English and Swahili as we waited for the park ranger to come pull us out of the mud with his tractor.  I am grateful for the patience and grace of George O (Nairobi YM), our tour guide, and our driver, Joseph.  On the last night before we left for the conference, most of the people on my tour met for worship, which ended up being some of the sweetest worship I experienced while I was traveling.

The FWCC World Conference took place April 17-25, with nearly 850 Friends who gathered from meetings and churches in 51 countries.  I did quite a bit of ministry while I was at the World Conference, which fell loosely into three categories: leading the convergent Friends thread group, eldering, and giving messages in meeting for worship. 

Convergent Friends thread group, day 3

The thread groups took place for an hour and a half during the afternoon of the first three full days of the conference.  There were about 30-40 people who attended my convergent Friends thread group each day.  On the first day, we spent most of the time on introductions, then had a short semi-programmed worship in the style of Freedom Friends.  On the second day, we had more conversation, listing dozens of words we use to describe the divine on the board and talking as a group and in partners about the language we use for God and our experiences of different kinds of Friends.  We closed with worship sharing about how we had seen God at work that day.  On the third day, we focused on prayer, including Wess D’s stations of the Lord’s Prayer activity, which was quite popular.  My hope for the thread group was that we would feel the presence of the living God among us, and I think that we did. 

For much of the conference, I felt clear about why I was there and what I was supposed to do.  As a result, I felt released from doing anything on the schedule that I did not feel directly led to do.  I have a tendency to do too much at this type of gathering, and that feeling of being released served me well and helped me to avoid some of the drama that others encountered at the conference.  For example, many of the Young Adult Friends (YAF) felt hurt by the fact that they could not reach unity on an epistle.  Although I did not feel led to attend the YAF meetings, I was later able to serve as an elder at a meeting for healing that some of the YAFs organized.  Similarly, I did not feel led to go to my home group after the first day, and instead took that time for rest and prayer.  Later in the conference, there was some controversy about the epistle by Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns being taken down, but it was primarily addressed in the home groups, so I did not have much to do with that.

Overall, I was surprised by the amount of eldering I did at the conference.  I did not go intending to elder, but opportunities arose while I was there, both formally―sitting on the facing bench during the worship organized by the Section of the Americas (English speaking), being invited to hold the meeting of the Section of the Americas in prayer, and in the YAF meeting for healing―and informally, in sitting with Friends in worship and in conversation.  As I have said in the past, I feel like I am about 75% minister and 25% elder, and the balance at the conference felt good to me. 

I felt led to stand and give messages in meeting for worship several times over the course of the conference.  Although this felt easier than it sometimes has in the past, it is still a hard thing for me.  Some of the messages felt strong, prophetic, and challenging (for me as much as anyone else!), but I also was blessed with opportunities to give joy-filled messages.  I felt on the whole that I was faithful with what I was given, and this is still an area where I am growing.

Me and Lucy

Throughout my time in Kenya, I felt like God was teaching me a lesson about support, abundant support.  This was grounded in the support I received from f/Friends and family before I left and personified while I was there in Lucy F (North Pacific YM), who served as my elder.  Lucy appeared the first night I arrived, before we went on different pre-conference tours, and gave me a much-needed hug after 30 hours of travel.  In a conference of 850 people, I found Lucy just about any time I thought of her, which felt like a miracle.  Lucy was an ideal elder for me there: after serving on my support committee for two years, she knows how I am when I do ministry, and she could make me laugh. 

 An experience I had in the dining hall at Kabarak provided a concrete illustration of the kind of spiritual support I received during the conference.  It is a pattern of mine that I have a hard time eating and getting enough sleep when I do spiritual work for any extended period of time, and the travel and malaria medication I was taking exacerbated those tendencies.  In addition, the dining hall was crowded, noisy, and the tables were in constant rotation, with up to a dozen introductions within a single meal.  There was plenty of food, but it was high in starch and meat, which is very different from what I usually eat.  The vegetarian options were better, but the line was always long and I felt guilty eating there because I had not registered as a vegetarian.  In general, I felt overwhelmed by the dining hall and I dreaded going to meals.

The dining hall

 One night, I went to the dining hall in a hurry.  I had something to do right after the meal, so I didn’t have time to wait in the vegetarian line.  When I got up to where the food was being served, I could not face eating the meat, so I asked the server to give me rice and just put some of the gravy from the meat on the rice.  He said, “Oh, do you want beans?” and quickly disappeared with my plate.  A minute later, he returned with beans on my rice!  I thanked him and continued down the line to pick up utensils.  Before I could get them, a Kenyan Friend I didn’t recognize said, “Oh, Ashley, you need utensils!” and put them on my plate.

In the same way, I felt like spiritual support appeared without me even having to ask.  An example of this support occurred on the afternoon after my last thread group session.  I gave the thread group everything I had, and I felt extremely tired and vulnerable when it was over.  As Lucy and I left the classroom where the thread group took place, we ran into Sharon F (Philadelphia YM).  Sharon said she had been thinking of me and asked where I was going.  I told her I was on my way to pastoral care with my elder.  She said, “good,” and continued on her way.  After Lucy and I debriefed at pastoral care for a while, it was clear that they needed to close the room.  I stepped outside to get some water and ran into my roommate, Alex Z (Southern Appalachian YM).  She said, “I was just thinking of you!” and asked how I was doing.  She then proceeded to escort me back to our dorm room and helped ground me for the work ahead.

Friends gathered in the auditorium for worship

It would be impossible to name all of the other people who supported me throughout the conference, but I would like to express my gratitude for a few more people in particular:
·    Kristin O-K (North Carolina YM Conservative), Carrie H (Northwest YM), and Joe S (North Pacific YM) for their prayers and help with the thread group
·    Emily S (North Carolina YM Conservative) and Charley and Lynn B (Alaska Friends Conference) for providing a hedge of protection around me the morning after my thread group was over
·    Colin S (Indiana YM) for lending me his cell phone so I could call my Mom on her birthday
·    Aimee M (Northern YM/Northwest YM) for sitting with me two times as I struggled with difficult ministry in meeting for worship and for her pastoral care
·    And all the people (some of whose names I don’t even know!) who prayed for me, sat with me, gave me hugs, encouraged me, and fed me

This report feels like a beginning to sharing my experiences at the World Conference.  In exchange for covering my conference registration fees, I plan to write two articles for Friends Journal: a shorter piece on my experiences visiting Friends in Nairobi Yearly Meeting and a longer piece on my experience of doing ministry at the World Conference.  In addition, I am sure I will have lots of other stories and experiences that arise over the coming days, weeks, and months.

I want to end by expressing my gratitude: to Freedom Friends Church for sending me with love and a traveling minute, to the PYM International Outreach Granting Group for its grant, and to all of my f/Friends and family, near and far, who sent prayers, financial support, and love, and who made this trip possible.  Thank you.

Ashley Wilcox
May 6, 2012

A view from my room at Milele Guest House

FWCC World Conference: Update and Thank You

Dear Friends and Family,

After nearly two years of preparation, I will be leaving on Wednesday for Kenya to attend the FWCC World Conference of Friends.  I wanted to write you all again before I go to let you know a little more about what I will be doing there and to say thank you for your support. 

When I first wrote asking for support, my fundraising goal was $1,500.  Since then, thanks to all of you, I have raised $1,450.  Thank you to everyone who sent cards, notes, and emails, as well as checks, and thank you to all of you who have kept me in your prayers.  I am also grateful to Friends Journal for paying for my conference registration, to my Mom, who gave me thousands of frequent flyer miles, and to Freedom Friends Church, for sending me with love and a traveling minute.

On Wednesday morning, I will be flying first to Boston, where I am planning to have dinner with Bruce, a School of the Spirit classmate.  Then, I will fly to London and Nairobi, arriving on Thursday night.  For the first five days, I will be on a tour of Nairobi.  On April 17, I will travel to Kabarak for the World Conference of Friends.  The full schedule for the conference is on the website.  I will be traveling back on April 25-26, arriving in Portland the night of April 26.

I am not planning to post on my blog while I am traveling, but I hope to send some updates to Friends Journal.  If you would like more information about the conference in general, there are several ways to follow along.  The conference website will be posting photos and speeches from the conference each day. On Facebook, "like" the conference page to get updates.  On Twitter, follow @Kabarak2012 for official conference info and @FWCCAmericas for staff updates; the hashtag for the conference is #FWCC2012.

Thank you again for your prayers and support.  This trip would not be possible without all of you.

With love,
Ashley

A Fresh Word

"See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:19

Earlier this week, I read a blog post by Johan M.  The whole post was good, but one part jumped out at me.  Johan asked, 

"Are there Friends who actually have a direct message on their hearts for our new audience? Perhaps we're not limited to translating existing texts, but will be hearing from someone with a fresh word."

In particular, it was the last part, the part about a fresh word.  I had heard that phrase before, but in reading it there, it had new life.  I wrote it down and I have it on my desk at work where I can see it.

Recently, I have been feeling a heaviness around the Religious Society of Friends, mostly having to do with money and maintaining institutions.  I feel like we need a fresh word.  So that is my prayer for myself and for Friends.

I shared that prayer during our time for petitions at Freedom Friends Church this morning.  Later, during open worship, I gave the following message:

The last time I was at a gathering for Friends World Committee for Consultation was almost exactly three years ago.  It was in March, 2009, in Canby, Oregon―not very far from here.  During that gathering, God gave me a message to give to the group, but I did not give it.  Afterward, I felt awful.  I knew that I had been unfaithful, and I thought I was going to be sick.

When I first started feeling led to go to the World Conference in Kenya, I didn't want to go.  I fought with God, as I often do.  And I wondered if God was making me go to Kenya because I did not share the message I was given at the last gathering―if, because I didn't give the message nearby, I would have to go halfway around the world to give it.

Now my trip to Kenya is soon, and I'm not angry anymore.  I am excited about it.

The message that I didn't give was very short:  You have everything you need.  It would have been so easy to give that message―you have everything you need. 

Since not giving the message, I have noticed that it has stayed with me.  A lot of things have happened in the past few years.  At times, I have been unemployed, or I haven't known where I was going to live, or I have had very little money in my bank account.  But I have always had everything I needed.

I do not know whether this is the message that I am supposed to give at the World Conference, but I do believe that there is a reason that I am going.  And I am grateful for all of you for holding me when I go.

After meeting, a weighty Friend said that my message sounded like experiences he had read in journals of 18th and 19th century Friends who, early in their ministry, felt led to give a message, but did not for one reason or another.  He reminded me that those Friends were later called on to speak.  I am sure that I will be as well.

When I got home, I posted on facebook that I was praying for a fresh word.  Almost immediately, Brian, a friend of mine from high school, suggested "callipygian."  (Go ahead, look it up.  I'll wait.)  While I doubt that "callipygian" is the fresh world I will be bringing to Kenya, the comment is another reason I am grateful to be part of a larger community―other people remind me to keep a sense of humor!

Unprogrammed

For a little over a year now, we have been trying an experiment at Freedom Friends Church.  When a month has a fifth Sunday, instead of our usual semi-programmed worship, we have been alternating between completely unprogrammed worship and fully programmed worship.  This past Sunday was the fifth Sunday in January and we had unprogrammed worship.

For Friends who are accustomed to beginning with singing and vocal prayer, an hour or more of unprogrammed worship can at times be uncomfortable.  We also had four first-time visitors (nearly a third of the group!), so we took some time to talk about open worship and what it means to feel led to speak.  Once we settled in, though, the worship was deep and rich.

Out of the silence, I felt led to give the following message:

This morning at Ministry and Oversight, two of the people we talked about were our friends, Ann and Dorsey.  They worship at University Friends Meeting, an unprogrammed meeting in Seattle.  As we were sitting here, it struck me that Friends at University Friends Meeting are in open worship now too, and I feel very connected to them right now.  They are sitting in chairs, facing each other, like we are.  There are probably a lot more of them than there are of us.  Many of them are older than us.  Many of them have been meeting like this for a long time.  Some have been meeting like this on Sundays for open worship for eighty or ninety years.  They keep coming back because they have found that there is something here for them―they meet in worship to listen to God, and the Spirit is at work in their lives.  There are Quakers all over the world who meet in silence to listen to God, which is amazing because there is so little room for silence.  And I am grateful to be a part of it.