Leaning

Before I met with my clearness committee yesterday, I was feeling pretty conflicted. Although I knew I needed some clarity, I was having trouble with the idea of a committee meeting with me as the focus. I was also struggling with the idea of having a "ministry." To me, that word connotes preaching, something I have absolutely no desire to do.

I told my Southern Alter Ego all of this and she talked me down a little. First, she reminded me that I am the one putting myself on the spot and I really don't need to feel that way if I don't want to. She also said that she thinks I have a ministry and that I need to think of having a ministry as service. That helped.

It became pretty clear to me a few months ago that I have a concern for community. Part of what makes that concern so acute is that I have uprooted my life and had to start all over every few years since I graduated from high school. I hate moving and I have difficulty adjusting to change, but I just keep doing it.

The reason I asked for a clearness committee was to get some sense of how the different things I am doing are connected. I could list the things I am doing—blogging, planning the Quaker Women's Theology Conference, being on the steering committee for University Friends Meeting's year of discernment—but I had no sense of how these things related to each other. The committee helped me see how I am crossing borders by doing all of these things as well as building community in different areas of my life.

In the clearness committee, I was completely taken by surprise by the amount of pain and sadness I was carrying with me. The committee also helped me realize how desperate I am for support. Apparently I give the impression that I know what I am doing and things come easily to me. This is not the case. Most of the things I do are not easy for me. I recognize that I have gifts and talents, but if I do things well it is by the grace of God and a lot of hard work. A member of the committee suggested that it might help for people to know how difficult things are for me, and I think she is right.

At the beginning of the meeting, we discussed how God should be present in our discernment. That seemed natural to me, but I was surprised by how many other people I ended up bringing into the room as well. By talking about friends and family members, they were there with me too, and I know that they are supporting me wherever they are.

I am so grateful to the women who agreed to be on the clearness committee. I completely lost track of time and only realized afterward that they had listened very patiently for over two hours. And they offered to meet with me again in the fall. I hope they know how much that means to me.

One of the things I was saddest about when I moved from my old apartment into my current house was that I would no longer be able to go to my regular yoga classes up the street. When I told my instructor that I was leaving, she responded, "That's good. Change things up."

One of the things I was happiest about when I moved was getting a yard. Since the weather has been so nice, I have been doing yoga outside (another reason I am pretty sure my roommate thinks I am an alien). Before balancing poses, my instructor always reminded us to focus on one spot, and I have found it really helps. The roses in my yard are in full bloom right now, and they make lovely focal points. While trying to maintain my balance this afternoon, I began to think that maybe my ministry could be like yoga: even though I am focusing in different directions, it is all part of the same practice.