Quaker Runner

I heard Zen defined recently as being absorbed in an activity that takes all your focus. If that definition is accurate, then here is a picture of me being completely Zen.

Leaning

Before I met with my clearness committee yesterday, I was feeling pretty conflicted. Although I knew I needed some clarity, I was having trouble with the idea of a committee meeting with me as the focus. I was also struggling with the idea of having a "ministry." To me, that word connotes preaching, something I have absolutely no desire to do.

I told my Southern Alter Ego all of this and she talked me down a little. First, she reminded me that I am the one putting myself on the spot and I really don't need to feel that way if I don't want to. She also said that she thinks I have a ministry and that I need to think of having a ministry as service. That helped.

It became pretty clear to me a few months ago that I have a concern for community. Part of what makes that concern so acute is that I have uprooted my life and had to start all over every few years since I graduated from high school. I hate moving and I have difficulty adjusting to change, but I just keep doing it.

The reason I asked for a clearness committee was to get some sense of how the different things I am doing are connected. I could list the things I am doing—blogging, planning the Quaker Women's Theology Conference, being on the steering committee for University Friends Meeting's year of discernment—but I had no sense of how these things related to each other. The committee helped me see how I am crossing borders by doing all of these things as well as building community in different areas of my life.

In the clearness committee, I was completely taken by surprise by the amount of pain and sadness I was carrying with me. The committee also helped me realize how desperate I am for support. Apparently I give the impression that I know what I am doing and things come easily to me. This is not the case. Most of the things I do are not easy for me. I recognize that I have gifts and talents, but if I do things well it is by the grace of God and a lot of hard work. A member of the committee suggested that it might help for people to know how difficult things are for me, and I think she is right.

At the beginning of the meeting, we discussed how God should be present in our discernment. That seemed natural to me, but I was surprised by how many other people I ended up bringing into the room as well. By talking about friends and family members, they were there with me too, and I know that they are supporting me wherever they are.

I am so grateful to the women who agreed to be on the clearness committee. I completely lost track of time and only realized afterward that they had listened very patiently for over two hours. And they offered to meet with me again in the fall. I hope they know how much that means to me.

One of the things I was saddest about when I moved from my old apartment into my current house was that I would no longer be able to go to my regular yoga classes up the street. When I told my instructor that I was leaving, she responded, "That's good. Change things up."

One of the things I was happiest about when I moved was getting a yard. Since the weather has been so nice, I have been doing yoga outside (another reason I am pretty sure my roommate thinks I am an alien). Before balancing poses, my instructor always reminded us to focus on one spot, and I have found it really helps. The roses in my yard are in full bloom right now, and they make lovely focal points. While trying to maintain my balance this afternoon, I began to think that maybe my ministry could be like yoga: even though I am focusing in different directions, it is all part of the same practice.

Musical Interlude II

I probably would not go so far to say that God talks to me through my iPod, but I do occasionally find music on it that makes me wonder. This is not very surprising, considering the vast majority of the music on my iPod comes from my brother James, who is much cooler than I am. Apparently at some point he put a Pedro the Lion album on my playlist. I happened to find it because there is a version of "Be Thou My Vision" on it, one of my favorite hymns. Hooray for brothers with good taste in music! Lately, I keep listening to "Letter from a Concerned Follower."

Some folks think we're better now
Social evolution's new synthetic will
Will keep us on a straighter path
As better men use brand new math
With no wrong answers

I'm just a little bit worried
Do you have some sort of plan?
Have you been finally defeated
By the cunning of these fully evolved men?

And I hear that you don't change
How do you expect to keep up with the trends?
You won't survive the information age
Unless you plan to change the truth
To accommodate the brilliance of men, the brilliance of men

Amazing Grace

At Freedom Friends, we always start with gratitudes. Lately, my gratitude always seems to be the same: I am so grateful to be there.

My heart is filled with gratitude for a wonderful weekend. It was great to be able to spend time with Kirsten and her family, as well as her beloved Colin. Her ring is shiny, they seem very happy, and everyone was a very good sport about running half of a very long race (and props to Andrew for going the whole way).

I was reminded over the weekend what a gift it is to have real conversations, where you take the time to really listen and respond. I had the opportunity to have several conversations like that over the past few days, and I feel blessed.

So thank you to everyone for a lovely break. Thank you for giving me food and a place to stay, for driving me from place to place, for making me laugh, and for making me think. I miss you all and I hope to see you again soon.

That's What I Want

My godson Simon has me thinking about money again. Simon is a beloved child and the first grandchild on both sides of his family, so it would be very easy for him to be spoiled. I am happy to say that his parents are actively trying to keep that from happening. Even though Simon is only five months old, Simon's mom Emily has already informed me that she does not want him getting too many gifts. I told her that I would probably just give him books and she said that would be fine.

After listening to another great podcast on Speaking of Faith, I am inspired to start a tradition of giving him an amount that he can donate to a charity of his choice. The podcast I was listening to yesterday discussed money and moral balance, and offered some suggestions to try to counter the 3,000 messages children get a day telling them to consume. Nathan Dungan, founder of Save Share Spend, talked about how children have natural compassion and want to share with others who are less fortunate. Dungan suggested ways parents can nurture this impulse while helping their children develop healthy money habits.

While thinking about this, it really hit me how little contact I have with the poor. Although I complain all the time about being broke, I am definitely not poor, and beyond giving away the occasional sandwich to someone with a sign, I do not actively do much to help poor people. My sister called me out on this a few months ago and I had some well-worn excuses―I work in the public interest, I do other volunteer work, and University Friends Meeting provides a safe place for homeless men to sleep each night. Although this is all true, it is also very distant from actually interacting with anyone who is poor.

So I have started looking into volunteer opportunities in my area. As soon as I started doing this, the voice in my head started nagging me, reminding me that I am already doing too much and made a conscious decision not to take on any more. But then I remembered that my resolution was not that I would say no to everything, but that I would not agree to do anything else unless I felt a clear leading, and I do.

When I was young, my mother would volunteer once a month for F.I.S.H., a program that delivers food to people who didn't have enough to cover groceries. I dreaded going with her because we would get lost in unfamiliar neighborhoods and I felt awkward delivering the food to strangers. Seeing people who were so grateful to have a bag of groceries left a lasting impression on me, though, and I'm glad Mom made me go.

My parents sometimes joke that they don't know how they raised four bleeding-heart liberals, but really it's their own fault. When I have children of my own, I hope I can give them the same sense of social responsibility that my parents gave me. In the meantime, I hope Emily and Myles don't mind too much if I try some of these ideas out on Simon.